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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Other woman

28 replies

Blackbirdblue30 · 29/04/2018 15:41

If you were newly seeing someone (same sex relationship), but the new person lived with their ex, and consequently you weren't allowed in the house because the ex isn't happy about it, what would you think?
Apparently the ex is on the lease and won't be moving for the foreseeable. But they broke up months ago.
AIBU to think this is suspicious?

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 29/04/2018 15:43

Honestly not necessarily because some people genuinely can’t afford to run two houses or go elsewhere. Plus if he does have a claim over house or furniture she could totally stiffhim if he moves out however I would have it at the back of my mind and just one more suspicious sign I’d be gone

maxthemartian · 29/04/2018 15:45

Too complicated and too much like hard work.

Aridane · 29/04/2018 15:45

I would be suspicious

Sirzy · 29/04/2018 15:49

Even if it isn’t suspicious I wouldn’t want to be getting involved with someone in such a complicated relationship

Original poster
Blackbirdblue30 · 29/04/2018 15:49

I believe they're genuinely broken up. But I think it was unwanted by the other woman and she's taken it badly. I don't feel happy being banned from the house. But we're only seeing each other a few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackbirdblue30 · 29/04/2018 16:03

Perhaps this new person is being a moron flaunting it at her? I don't know.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 29/04/2018 16:35

She could be telling the truth,in this economy the situation is not as rare.
Perhaps she is trying to prevent any unnecessary hurt to her ex and is being thoughtful which is a lovely attribute to have.
Trust her until you have good reason to not do so.
You're not exactly being banned from somewhere you have a right to be,how would you feel if you were in the ex partners position?

user1493413286 · 29/04/2018 18:32

I had this with DH when we first got together; they were stuck in a tenancy agreement and I never went to his place out of respect for her but also i wouldn’t have wanted to as it would have been awkward and unfair to flaunt our new relationship

user1493413286 · 29/04/2018 18:34

You do need an end date though as I always knew it was only until a specific date but wouldn’t have been happy if it was ongoing for ages

DuchyDuke · 29/04/2018 18:36

This does happen a lot when two people are on the lease / mortgage. So no I wouldn’t view it as suspicious.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 29/04/2018 18:44

I'd be wary of being in a relationship like that - it sound like it has the potential to messy and bitter, and the situation would either be like that for the foreseeable future or you'd feel pressured to move in together sooner than ready.

I wouldn't automatically doubt the partner - running two households is an expense many couldn't afford, especially if the relationship broke down suddenly, and I would agree with not going round the house - even with the most amicable breakdown there's a potential to cause a lot of bad feeling and awkwardness, and it's a little disrespectful.

However, at the very least I'd make sure the ex definitely knows about you. If there are any signs of your relationship being a secret or kept under wraps I wouldn't be comfortable at all.

Original poster
Blackbirdblue30 · 30/04/2018 13:40

THe ex knows about me and hates me on principle. She hasnt moved on yet and Is angry, whereas the other party has moved on ages ago. It seems a bit messy to be frank.

OP posts:
AddictiveCereal · 30/04/2018 13:43

Would you actually want to go into the house when the ex is there?- I would not as it would be entering into her home and likely making her feel unconfortable.

Trinity66 · 30/04/2018 13:53

I mean I don't see why one of them couldn't move out and let some else take over the lease? I understand why the ex wouldn't feel comfortable about new partners come round though

lindyhopy · 30/04/2018 13:55

I suspect you want to visit the house to make sure that they are genuinely separated but this would be completely unfair to the ex. I wouldn't my Ex-P's new girlfriend in my home and you are unreasonable to want to visit. If you have concerns that your partner is lying then speak to them and trust your gut if something seems off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/04/2018 14:00

You have no need to go to his/her house, OP. If you don't' believe that he's single then end it. I doubt that his ex 'hates you', she doesn't know you and if she's angry, it's at him, not you. You're a new girlfriend... back off a little bit because their home is not your space and he's respecting that it is his ex's space.

Don't make this a drama when it doesn't need to be would be my advice.

Outnumbered99 · 30/04/2018 14:06

There was a thread on here not long ago similar situation, but from the Ex's perspective and consensus was that the new partner shouldn't be coming to the house its really disrespectful, so I'm guessing its not that unusual a situation OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/04/2018 14:13

Missed the 'same sex' but my advice is the same - the ex-partners are living in the same house at the moment and it is their equal home. You don't need to be there to meet your new partner.

In fact, that you've only been dating a few weeks and are raising this would be a very big, flapping red flag for me. You've been told the reasons why you can't be at their home - respect them.

TheOneWith · 30/04/2018 14:21

After just a few weeks of dating?

I’d be saying “give me a call when you’re completely separated and if I’m still single we can meet up”.

You say the other party (your boyfriend/girlfriend) moved on ages ago biy they haven’t have they - they’re still living with their ex - why haven’t they moved out if it’s been months since they split?

CaptainCabinets · 30/04/2018 14:21

I wouldn’t be suspicious and I can completely see where the ex is coming from! If, heaven forbid, DP and I split and had to remain living together for financial reasons then I’d be gutted if he started flaunting a new girlfriend around MY home.

TwittleBee · 30/04/2018 14:36

CaptainCabinets hits the nail on the head

VladmirsPoutine · 30/04/2018 14:39

I personally am in the frame of mind of not complicating my life unnecessarily so therefore I'd run like the wind and when a totally and wholly single man appears then if there's still a spark we could see. I realise life does sometimes get 'in the way' but as I said, I won't be complicating it unnecessarily. This situation, is one such unnecessary complication.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 30/04/2018 14:42

It's not necessarily suspicious, but if you feel like it is, and it all feels a bit messy, heed that instinct. I don't like "for the forseeable", leases have end dates, so if the ex isn't planning to move at the end of the lease then there's some other reason. Could be she's guilting your new gf about breaking up, there could be feelings still or money issues between them, who knows.

Ohyesiam · 30/04/2018 14:44

I’ve seen this situation make way too many complications.
If it’s not straight forward at the start, it’s hard to see how it ever will be.

pinkflamingo121318 · 30/04/2018 14:45

My sisters relationship started like this (also same sex). They were in a long distance relationship and only saw eachother on weekends as they were both at uni.

They have now been married 4 years, own a house and have a son.