to encourage twin DD’s to go to different universities?

[millacinth]

I have twin DD’s who are extremely close - they’re 18, in year 13 and need to decide which universities they are going to firm and insure by the end of the week. Out of their five options, they applied for four of the same unis.

Dd1 is applying for English lit, dd2 for Geography.

At present, they’re both saying they’re going they’re going to firm Durham and insure Birmingham, but I know that dd1 prefers St Andrews to Durham (she also has been allocated a slightly rubbish college at Durham, whereas dd2 has got the one she wanted)

They both seem to be very excited about going to uni together, but should I be encouraging them to spend some time apart and push dd1 to go to St Andrews, where I know she secretly prefers the course?

As adults they should be able to make up their own mind.

I'd step back. If you strong arm either of them, and they are unhappy as a result, they will remember your interference.

Yanbu. It would be healthier for them to build their own identities and focus on their own courses. We're they hoping to live together too?

They wouldn’t be living together in first year as have been allocated different colleges, but I know they’ve been talking about living together in second and third year

I think I would just leave the decision with them. They'll probably make different friends cos of separate courses and colleges. In 3 years they'll be in the workplace and have plenty of time to fully develop separate lives.

There's no guarantees but imagine if dd1 hated St Andrew's and you felt you'd pushed her in that direction.

Well encouraging is different from strong arming I don't think it's any harm to talk it through with them. Yes, at 18 they're adults but only just and they may not have considered that prioritizing being together over the right place for each individually, might be something one will regret down the line.

Colleges in Durham are accomodation only and have no bearing on teaching which is all done centrally. Even the ones that seem less good on paper have good community spirits. I wouldn't let the college put you off if she likes the course.

Two of my cousins were at the same uni together, they never met in the two years they were both there.

If one gets their firm and the other gets their insurance they will be at separate unis anyway.

I guess a lot might change in a year anyway. I would definitely talk to the dd who prefers St Andrews. Explain your concerns and how she might feel if she realises she has made a compromise when dd2 hasn't. Acknowledge her concerns about separation etc
Then step back and let her decide. Ultimately you can't be blamed for gently pointing out that she might later wish she had gone to her preferred choice as you have left the actual decision to her. A parent's job is still to guide their dc's and as long as you are not being pushy you are fine to do this imo

My twin dds went to seperate universities. Twin two lasted four weeks and transferred to the same uni as her sister.
They had made their own decisions initially, but twin two just couldn't seem to fit in where she was.

I think it's entirely reasonable to have a chat with the DD who prefers St Andrews, just to make sure she's thought it through.I think it's important to go where the course suits you and where the place suits you too. Being near her sister may seem really important now, but if she ends up not liking her course as much then she'll have regrets. On the other hand, maybe there's not much in it and she'd like to stay with her twin. You won't know until you talk it over. But ultimately, it is her decision.

Obviously you'll be talking with them about it so I'd just advise both to make the decision for themselves - not for me, not for your sister/friends, just you - and then leave it with them.

See where you're coming from but they need to make their own decisions (and mistakes).

I think different colleges at Durham is actually a really nice way to be close but not on top of each other. Once they get into the swing of college life and all of their Freshers week activities, they'll both have heaps of new friends but also the benefit of each other's college to visit if they fancy a change of scene. They may also well decide that they don't want to end up sharing in second year after all.

Which college is the rubbish one and which is the other one?

(Full disclosure, I went to Durham and loved it, my entire life was centred on college and not my subject/academic friends, but can't comment on the twins aspect)

i think unless there is some specific reason they should be seperated, then being at uni together might make them less homesick. I dont know why people always think seperating twins is healthier?

Sorry re-read OP and thought of a couple of things to add - having visited friends at St Andrews uni, it's loosely similar to Durham in the sense of beautiful old town with uni woven throughout.

But if the reason dd prefers St Andrews is the course, it's important to ensure it's not that Durham doesn't offer some form of specialist area which not doing might affect a future career option. That's the one thing which to me seems most important out of everything.

The identical twins related to me went to same uni. I think they were happier together. It depends on persons.

Is Dd1 wanting to go with dd2's choice because dd2 is more dominant or because dd2 is more vulnerable so Dd1 wants to look after her?

I would sit down with dd1 and make it clear that it's not her job to look after dd2 or that she should be brave and she might regret it otherwise. I would frame this as a very serious talk but make it clear that you'll support her final choice. I would avoid the subject after this though, don't push her into it.

These twins live an hour and a half apart now. Although very very close they are independent.

I think you should be focusing on supporting whatever decision they make themselves and not trying to persuade them one way or the other because of what you would do.

What difference would it make to you if they went to the same uni anyway?

I also went to Durham and am wondering which colleges. I went to Van Mildert which was a great mixture of college and course socialising but somewhere like Aidans never really spoke to anyone outside college. They may end up being very separate anyway.

I would encourage them to choose which of the universities has the course that best suits their needs and gives them the most opportunity for future employment. That might be the same one, or it may be different, since they have chosen to study different subjects.

My friend had identical twins who are in their first year of the same uni, they're doing the same course and living together too. I think it's a shame they're not making the most of the opportunity to make loads of new friends because they're always together, but in your DDs case it's different. As they're at different colleges, living separately and studying different subjects they'll have a chance to meet new people.

If I were you I'd have a chat with the DD who prefers St Andrew's, and make it clear that she should go there if that's what she wants, but support her in whatever choice she makes in the end.

My twin and I went to the same uni but studied different subjects. We made friends together and separately. First year we were in halls (same building but different floors), then lived together in 2nd year. I spent 3rd year abroad on an exchange year, and we lived separately in 4th year. Maybe I would have been fine on my own, but I had a great time as it was and we grew up perfectly independently!

Let them decide. I was quite relaxed about it last year and they got offers from the same places and ended up choosing the same one. I just called one and he was asking for news of his twin (who is at a different hall) so that illustrates they don't haev to be in each other's pocket and mine have different friends. It's worked out very well. Itw as only after the end of first university term they moved into separate bed rooms at home by the way (again that has always been their own choice).

It is a lot easier that they are at the same one by the way in terms of transport, visits, term dates etc.

If I were your twins I would choose Durham over St Andrews.

Does Durham have rubbish colleges!

I'd let her know that it was alright if she chose St Andrews and that it might be in her best interests and that she should not feel guilty, whilst leaving open the option to attend Durham. Better still, I'd have an open conversation with both. Also I'd remind them that they will likely have to separate at some point.