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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to encourage twin DD’s to go to different universities?

50 replies

millacinth · 29/04/2018 12:19

I have twin DD’s who are extremely close - they’re 18, in year 13 and need to decide which universities they are going to firm and insure by the end of the week. Out of their five options, they applied for four of the same unis.

Dd1 is applying for English lit, dd2 for Geography.

At present, they’re both saying they’re going they’re going to firm Durham and insure Birmingham, but I know that dd1 prefers St Andrews to Durham (she also has been allocated a slightly rubbish college at Durham, whereas dd2 has got the one she wanted)

They both seem to be very excited about going to uni together, but should I be encouraging them to spend some time apart and push dd1 to go to St Andrews, where I know she secretly prefers the course?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 29/04/2018 13:56

If they both go to Durham but in different colleges, then they'll both make new friends anyway. Also planning on living together in 2nd year might be a good thing. At least that takes away the threat of having crap housemates who don't pay their way, and that kind of thing.

KeneftYakimoski · 29/04/2018 14:48

Remember that St Andrews has very different term dates to English universities.

Original poster

millacinth · 29/04/2018 14:48

DD1 has Aidan’s, DD2 has Collingwood

OP posts:

HJ40 · 29/04/2018 14:52

I went to neither, but they are both excellent colleges. Why does she think Aidan's is rubbish? I'd really hate it if she made a decision on that basis.

Much as there is a perception amongst some people that some colleges are better than others (with both of those solidly mid pack) everyone always loves the one they end up at.

Jonsnowsghost · 29/04/2018 14:53

My twin and I went to different universities (around 3 hours apart!) And honestly I think it was better as it gives you independence from each other, she now lives and works in the area she studied in as do I. We were never in any of the same classes at school which I think helped. This was for our own benefit as we never used to speak to anyone else!

dotdotdotmustdash · 29/04/2018 14:53

There was a girl in my Uni nursing course who was one of identical triplets who had all deliberately chosen to study nursing at different universities. It was very novel for her to meet lots of people who only knew her as an individual rather than one of three.

I would gently encourage your DDs to separate, but I expect it will happen naturally sooner or later regardless of where they go.

Original poster

millacinth · 29/04/2018 14:56

I don’t know much about Durham, but their older half-sister (my dsd) went to Durham (she graduated last year so isn’t there any more), and she gave us the impression that Aidan’s was less desirable. That might just of been her experience of her cohort at Durham though.

OP posts:

GU24Mum · 29/04/2018 14:56

As others have said, I wouldn't suggest they go to separate universities but would try to tease out gently why the St Andrews twin seems to be changing her mind just to check she isn't feeling as though she ought to go with he twin.
Incidentally, I went to Durham and there were identical twins there, both in Aidans! btw, I'd think Aidans and Collingwood were fairly similar - both "new" colleges, been mixed for ages.

HJ40 · 29/04/2018 14:57

Which college was she at?

Theworldisfullofgs · 29/04/2018 14:59

I went to uni with my twin (not intentionally). We lived in different parts of the city and never lived together. It was nice to know she was there and we met up every now and again.
It can work and I'd encourage your twins to forge separate lives.

(btw I live near my twin now and see her about once or twice a month)

Original poster

millacinth · 29/04/2018 15:00

DSD was at Castle

OP posts:

SasBel · 29/04/2018 15:03

I went to St Andrews, it was fabulous!

Seriously, it’s only a few hours from Durham to Leuchars by train, they could meet up for weekends if they have time.....

HJ40 · 29/04/2018 15:09

Aha! So by the baseless and unwritten rules, your DSD is therefore a rah or a stuck up snob and I'm amazed she'd even concede than Collingwood would be acceptable because surely anything up the hill is populated by plebs and people who couldn't get into Castle?

Most of this is semi-healthy rivalry which spills over from the sports fields and makes for a cracking atmosphere and huge sense of loyalty within every college.

More seriously OP, is that's what's forming your DDs opinion, she needs to get up there for an open day, or if non coming up, try and sort out an informal visit. Also has DSD given any concrete reasons?

As I mentioned originally, I can't comment on twins needing separation or not, but I'm an enormous fan of the Durham college system as you get the pastoral care and friendly environment of your college (which you don't get in halls of residence) but also the benefits of being part of a bigger uni. If it's the Aidan's thing which is putting her off, just guide her to make a properly informed decision. It may well not be the place for her, but it needs to be a considered decision.

PlumsGalore · 29/04/2018 15:12

Have they considered the possibility that one of them may miss their firm choice? or is that very unlikely?

RhinoBlue · 29/04/2018 15:19

Another fan of the college system here. I'm a Durham Uni student and probably in the least desirable college of all. From my experience most people love their college once they start. I wouldn't not go to Durham because I had been allocated Aidens. I'm probably biased but I love Durham.

It could be really good, as if for some reason they didn't get into socialising with their course mates or within their college they would still have each other.

I would only suggest encouraging her to go to St Andrews if the course itself was significantly better.

hammeringinmyhead · 29/04/2018 15:19

Ah, Castle. Crammed in 3 to a drafty room for the priviledge!

Aidans and Collingwood (very sporty) are quite big and involved, and I think they would live quite separate lives.

waterrat · 29/04/2018 15:20

I am close in age to my sister and we went to the same Uni, had lot of same friends, had already been at sixth form together and part of same social circle. I knew other siblings at uni together - didn't think it was strange at all - in fact very normal. I would just make sure they are both making sensible decisions about courses etc then leave them to it.

Twounder1 · 29/04/2018 15:21

If they want to be together, let them. They'll have seperate lives doing different subjects. It may be a comfort to have each other

Littlebelina · 29/04/2018 16:54

When I went Collingwood had slightly nice rooms than Aidens but apart from that there wasn't much in them (it was a long time ago). Both are hill colleges not too far from each other. Castle has prestige but most of the accommodation is shite and bailey college goers can have distorted views of hill colleges. I didn't go to any of those colleges but would have been happy going to Aidens or Collingwood.

ScattyCharly · 29/04/2018 17:06

Id definitely let/encourage them both to go to Durham together. Twins in my family did this - different colleges. I don’t think you should encourage them to be apart, the colleges provide enough separation. It will be great for them to be able to support each other on the way to independence. Also at my uni on my course, there was a girl whose little sister came onto the same course the following year. That little sister was not in the big sisters shadow at all. Quite the opposite - the support and knowledge enabled her to thrive.

Claire90ftm · 29/04/2018 18:24

I think some parents need to learn to step back and let their adult children make their own choices like they should be able to...

Littlelot · 29/04/2018 18:38

Another, I went to Aidan’s and it was brilliant!

foxyloxy78 · 29/04/2018 18:56

Let them decide.

PicaK · 29/04/2018 19:11

Oh dear. They have both made terrible choices as obviously Hild/Bede is the best college....
Seriously though i think it will work well. They'll have their separate college lives, Durham is extremely well regarded for both English and Geography. But they'll be near to each other and have somewhere to escape too.
Castle and Hatfield were always the "poshest" ones.

Xenia · 29/04/2018 21:53

Mine are also sharing a car and being at the same university makes that so much easier and they now drive themselves to and from (and I would certainly not provide an additional car had they gone to different universities). I think they need to decide for themselves. They may feel they want to be in different cities. If one goes to Scotland though that is a whole extra year, more debt and a year behind the other twin in terms of career and life so quite a big difference - we did have this as one of mine had Edinburgh as one of their 5 but picked one in England instead to firm on.

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