I can’t deal with the favoutism anymore.

[hattiesmumm]

My dps grandparents favour his sisters child over ours. And it’s so bloody obvious that they don’t even hide it. They send DN parcels each week, pay for dance lessons, swimming, give her pocket money etc. They go to their house and stay there for a week at a time. They have seen DD 3 times and she’s nearly 2. DN is 4.
Each time they have been to see DD they last 30 mins and then go. They only come here when driving past to go and see other family members.
It’s getting me down so much. Dd doesn’t have a grandma from myside as she passed away a few years ago.

They apparently treated dp and his dsis different throughout their childhood too, like dsis will get a bike and dp a chocolate bar.

Even things like comments on pictures, they wil comment “she’s so cute” on dds pictures but a whole paragraph of how lucky they are to have dn and how beautiful and amazing she is, how they can’t wait to see her and how they are looking for x y z for her.

It actually makes me so angry. We can’t say anything for fear it will be made our fault some how. Dp doesn’t care because he’s used to it, but I’m so fed up of it being rubbed in our faces so obvious! I feel like they know what they are doing.

Of course they know what they are doing. And once your children are old enough to realise, they will be hurt by this kind of behaviour.

You need to sit your husband down and get this sorted out together before your little ones are old enough to realise.

I really do. He just doesn’t like confrontation or the hassle of it.

Take dds first birthday, didn’t hear a single thing until 8pm at night and that was after I texted her saying I was upset she couldn’t wish Dd a happy birthday or send a present on time. We got told off because she had been in hospital for a general check up so she didn’t have time to send a quick text to say happy birthday. But dn and her family go to theirs for a week every year for dn birthday and they have a birthday party for her. Her bday is the day after dds.

I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing. Ds is 4, dn are 3 and 1 and the blatant favouritism is shocking to me. Dh is so used to it he's not bothered where as it makes my blood boil.

It's almost worse for us in a way as we all live within 5 minutes of each other so poor ds sees it a lot.

They give his toys they've bought for him that are kept at his house to the girls.

Bought all manner of safety/ baby gear they never bothered to for ds.

It's cruel. I try to limit time with them as ds is beginning to see it now.

Dh and I really argue about it. I want him to say something.

In the last few years I've had some serious health problems, we've really struggled, not a stitch of help. They cook dsil and their family dinner most nights and I've recently found out mil goes to their house, picks up their laundry, does it and takes it back. Yet when I was bedridden and Dh had to take unpaid time off work to look after ds they wouldn't lift a finger to help.

Sorry that was a rant!

God it’s crap isn’t it!

Dsil is pregnant now so it’s constant comments on how much this baby is loved already. Nothing like that when I was pregnant. They also didn’t buy anything for Dd when we was pregnant, they offered to buy the car seat then said it was too expensive so didn’t bother. Dsil gets bought the Moses basket and alsorts.

I would go no contact personally, They wont change so theres no point having them in your lives if they make you feel miserable.

So many people endure letting people treat them badly because they come with the tag "family" its really unhealthy.

They know exactly what they are doing just leave them to it.

Feel your pain! My DF favours my sisters kids massively. Sees them at least once a month, stays at theirs, buys them pressies, helps with child care costs, phones all the time etc.
He’s met my 10 week old son once for half an hour and in the last year saw my DD 3 times. Last time he saw her he gave her a fluffy toy which was sweet but my DN got a bike. He also said to her “here’s a present from your favourite grandad”. Um no, my DH’s father is known as grandad, you are a random man who she doesn’t know.
When my DSis had her babies he drove up to see them that day, it took 3 weeks to meet my DS.
My DF has always favoured my sister, I am used to it but it still hurts.

To add we live 5 mins from my DSis so not impossible to visit!

Growing up my grandmother treated me like an unwanted entity, and my older sister like a princess. I remember going into WH Smith's as a child and us each being given £5 to buy a treat - I chose a book and DSis chose paints. My grandmother couldn't understand why I'd want 'another of those awful Roland Dahl (yes, Roland) books' and not some 'lovely paints' like my sister. She never hugged me. Offered me a cold cheek upon greeting. My mum cracked when we were little and got upset about it in her company. The response from my grandmother was simply 'I can't help it if I prefer one over the other'. Over time my sister noticed and ignored my grandmother completely. When our DBro was born he got even worse treatment, she would look at him like he disgusted her.

She was similarly distant with most of my cousins. Until about five years later when my DAunt's daughters were born - then she became the most fawning, sickly sweet 'Nanny' you could ever imagine. All of our school photos were put away to make room for more photos of the prodigious female cousins. She would chase them around and hug and kiss them. She'd buy them constant and elaborate gifts. And honestly, by that point as a 10/11 yo I didn't really give a fuck. My parents more than made up for her shortcomings. Our visits to her became shorter.

My grandmother is 90 now. None of her grandchildren visit her in her retirement home, not even the beloved ones - who are far too wrapped up in their own lives. She wouldn't even recognise us if we did. I feel sad only for her, not myself - she missed out on so much.

You can't change this woman, OP. You can only change how you deal with her.

OP I would be grateful for limited contact and your DC is young enough that they probably don't know who they are. Please don't try to force a relationship as a non-existent grandparent is preferable to an indifferent and distant one, and especially where favouritism is in play. Just think they have ensured that you feel no obligation to go out of your way for them and in future. How liberating it is to remove toxic relationships.

Similar situation here, eventually they stopped getting in touch altogether when the eldest was small. My kids know their fathers family exists but that they are not interested in contact - obviously we parsed it in a much kinder way but didn’t see any benefit to flossing over the facts of the matter.

Oh FFS autocorrect. Glossing, that was meant to say.

I think that your DD is better off with no grandparents than ones that are going to treat her like this. She is only going to get hurt. I'd be inclined to go NC.

Over the years, your DH has become so conditioned to this that he has become immune to this. They were his parents so he couldn't escape and had to find a way to cope. You are in a position to protect your DD from this hurt.

Sorry that you've found yourself with such shitty in-laws.

It really is crap. It makes me sad enough for dh but when I see her do it to ds it makes my boil boil.

A few months ago ds and dn ran in to each other and dn started shrieking her head off (we suspect dsil has Munchausens by proxy so poor dn is a bag of screaming nerves most of the time and when she gets hurt it's hellish).

Everyone ran in to the room and started yelling at ds who was also hurt but quiet about it.

I utterly lost my shit. I've never said so much as boo to them but I picked ds up and left after telling them that I was sick of their favouritism. We went nc for a few months. Now we spend limited time there but it's extremely strained.

I wish dh would grow a pair and say something but they so clearly love dsil so much more he doesn't want to say anything to put more nails in to his coffin.

Blood boil not boil boil.

I'd go NC. Why should you have to put up with being made to feel less? And whatever about your feelings re their treatment of you, it will be ten times worse as your DD gets older and starts noticing the difference herself.

Nip it in the bud now, and get rid of the SiL as well. Remove them all from social media contact, block them and remove their numbers from your phone, and have a happy life without their toxicity.

My parents treated my DS differently to my sisters DS. I just had it out with them, they denied it of course until I pointed out various things including them going home and counting how many photos of our DS were in their house (none) compared to my sisters DS (lots).

After they got home, they rang me and apologised. They said it wasn't deliberate, and I believed them, 17 years on and everything has been brilliant since then.

You must say something otherwise it will just eat away at you.

It's not right, but could it be because it's their daughter's DCs? From experience, it seems to me some grandparents are closer to their daughters' DCs because they feel more at ease compared to if it's their sons'?

My lovely friend had family like that. Her grandmother prefered her older brother over her. Another family member used to sneer at my friends mum for standing her kids to state school. My friends mum would take no shit over it though. She wasnt the woman to mess with.

I think they are not good role models and I would wish to minimise their contact. They will not be good for your child so protect her from their miserable, ugly favouritism.

My dc's gp's had favourites, it was obvious to me although they treated them all meticulously evenly. My dc never seemed to notice because they were always treated exactly the same. I suspect it was down to the dc's personalities as much as anything. Ds2 was my df's double in both appearance and personality and it was obvious df loved it. Dd1 was first granddaughter for dh's parents, she was quiet and biddable and I suppose they found her easy and they loved all the positive reactions from others when they had her (always well behaved with impeccable manners) I don't think you can do anything about their preferences but you can insist that they are treated equally or you will limit any contact.

Do you get on with the grandparents? No excuse for their awful behaviour but I am curious about how my mother would treat my Brother's future children compared to mine as she adores DH but HATES SIL and I wonder if this is related somehow? Very unpleasant of them though.

My family are the same; DSis is the golden child, her kids are the golden children. It makes me sad but what can you do? I visit my mum a couple of times a a year, she visits about once every two years. My kids do not want to go and make lots of excuses.

My kids are mostly young adults now and joke about how the others are the favourites. DH's dad is a very doting grandad though. And my kids are lovely too whilst the DNs have lots of problems that make them difficult, so my mum has really missed out on some nice relationships.

We get it with MIL and SIL's kids - even allowing for the mother-daughter closer thing it's still shockingly unequal. I just ignore it, keep contact between me and her as minimal as possible (it's amazing how the rare times she skypes I'm tied up cleaning the kitchen) and leave it to DH to facilitate the relationship between our kids and her - I used to try to chase it and encourage the relationship to try to make them have this good bond with grandparents... but after years of being snubbed and having the favouritism flaunted in our faces - fuck that lark - we're here if they want to see us (but like you say - we get the drop-ins on the way to other people) but I'm bloody well done chasing it up.

DH went through this with both sets of grandparents. They all loved him and his brother and treated his sister like crap. Once the boys noticed, they didn’t want to see their grandparents anymore either. Only one of them is still alive and they all hate her.