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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think lying is lying?

40 replies

IncidentalAnarchist · 28/04/2018 22:15

To be clear: I am NOT one of these people nor do I have a vested interest! It just made me think.
I know one person in a couple. They’ve been together a long time.
Person A cheated on person B. Person B can’t move on from this.
Person B is keeping a secret from person A in that they are not yet divorced from their first spouse who they split up with a LONGGG time ago.
AIBU to think that keeping being married from a long term partner is as bad as cheating on them?!

OP posts:
RomeoBunny · 28/04/2018 22:17

They're both fucked. Or deserve each other. One or the other.

Original poster
IncidentalAnarchist · 28/04/2018 22:34

Kind of my thoughts. Person B thinks that the cheating is worse.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 28/04/2018 22:37

I think the cheating is worse. Why hasn't B got divorced?

Original poster
IncidentalAnarchist · 28/04/2018 22:43

Keeps ‘forgetting’ Grin

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 28/04/2018 22:47

Person B is cheating on his wife.

Perhaps person A doesn't mind cheating themselves but wouldn't want to be with a cheat? Grin

Idontdowindows · 28/04/2018 22:47

So person B is cheating on both his wife and person A. Oh well done.

Original poster
IncidentalAnarchist · 28/04/2018 22:51

Person B isn’t cheating on anyone Confused
They’ve been separated from their spouse for like 20 years but not formally divorced
Person A and B have been in a relationship for a long time.
Person A cheated on person B.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 28/04/2018 22:53

Been 'forgetting' to get divorced for 20 years? Odd. Still not as bad as cheating.

ButchyRestingFace · 28/04/2018 22:56

Person B isn’t cheating on anyone confused
They’ve been separated from their spouse for like 20 years but not formally divorced

They may have been separated but aren't divorced. Hence, adultery.

And person B hasn't told person A. Such a long and sustained lie, I think, is just as bad. If person A had been told, they may have decided they didn't want to be in a relationship with a person who was still married.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 22:58

No I think it depends In what the lie is and why they feel the need to lie.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 28/04/2018 22:59

Apologies I read that wrong.

If they are together there should be no lies

HeddaGarbled · 28/04/2018 23:04

I think the cheating is worse.

Bambamber · 28/04/2018 23:48

I think it doesn't really matter which is worse. Both are a form of deception and 2 wrongs don't make a right

Branleuse · 29/04/2018 00:03

cheating is worse

AcrossthePond55 · 29/04/2018 00:43

Cheating is really, really horrible don't get me wrong.

But concealing one's marital status could be worse if A & B's finances are tied together or they have joint property. Person A is going to be in for a real shock if Person B dies and the spouse pops up to claim his/her estate. Especially if Person A is financially dependent on Person B or has expectations that he/she will be taken care of or inherit joint property after Person B's death.

Honestly, they're each as bad as the other.

Pengggwn · 29/04/2018 05:47

Sorry but I think Person B is a disgrace.

Idontdowindows · 29/04/2018 08:21

They’ve been separated from their spouse for like 20 years but not formally divorced

Yes, so they are legally and morally someone else's partner. They can whitewash it all they like, they are not free to be in another relationship.

LittleMonkeysWideAwake · 29/04/2018 08:33

Person A and person B should definitely split! Person A can then get with person C. Person B can get a divorce and then get with person D, and then all will b he happy :)

LittleMonkeysWideAwake · 29/04/2018 08:51

By the way - why on Earth is person B still married!? And why on Earth conceal that? Get a divorce NOW and tell person A!!!! And then split up!! (You r not meant to b together)

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 29/04/2018 08:57

Personally I think person B is worse. The whole foundation of the relationship from start to finish is a lie. Cheating is terrible but sounds like person A has at least admitted it.

mavismcruet · 29/04/2018 08:59

Maybe person A cheated on person B because B never fully committed to them. Maybe person B has never fully committed to person A because person A was the cheaty sort. The whole thing sounds a bit sad and unpleasant. Why are they still together?

SerenDippitty · 29/04/2018 09:10

Maybe person B was going to get a divorce but thought twice after person A cheated? Or is thinking about posthumous revenge? (If person B dies while married to someone else things could get very awkward with regard to inheritance).

Original poster
IncidentalAnarchist · 29/04/2018 10:03

It does feel completely bonkers doesn’t it?

OP posts:
upsideup · 29/04/2018 10:14

Not getting divorced isnt as bad as cheating, theres lots of reasons for that maybe they couldnt afford to, maybe she wouldnt sign the papers or maybe they had lost contact and genuinely forgot about it.
I would rather find out that my DH had another wife that he had been seperated from for 20 years but hadnt been able to divorce yet than he was cheating on me.

Ruffian · 29/04/2018 10:21

Is this an intellectual exercise/book idea or something? Not complaining, just wondering.

B might have stayed married for some financial reason - the person they were married to is still married 20 years later too so there must have been something in it for both of them but as B has been 'faithful' to A it wasn't neccessarily shady, maybe just expedient.

they are legally and morally someone else's partner Morally someone else's partner until they divorce?? Wtf

If A and B felt they were in an exclusive relationship the infidelity is a far worse betrayal.