Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for help explaining death to my 4 year old?

42 replies

Coconutty89 · 28/04/2018 18:14

hey all.
first post in AIBU

I need help- my son's nana (on his dad's side) is terminally ill. she's quickly deteriorating and they're not sure she has long left, secondary cancer spreading plus pneumonia which has either accelerated and turned to flu or she has this also. they've tried to change her medication to no avail.

my son and his nana are very close and it's breaking his little heart seeing her hooked up to machines in hospital. she's been alot worse the last few days so I haven't taken him as I don't think it's fair for either of them.
I'm sorry for using AIBU this way but I need help and alot of it!
I'm 25 myself and haven't experienced death except for one friend 6 months ago and that hit me hard. I still have all my grandparents and I've never had to face grief in the family before.

my ex (son's dad) is seriously struggling with his mum, I'm doing my best to support him (we're still good friends) but I'm not sure what to do really. I feel useless in this situation.

my DS is 4 and asking lots of questions about heaven. what prompted me to post is he just asked if his nana is going to heaven soon and when I said I'm not sure he burst out crying saying he needs her and he'll miss her and she can't go because he loves her.
I don't know how to handle this and could really do with the handhold.

sorry for the long ramble Sad

OP posts:
monkeysox · 28/04/2018 18:15

Get a book called water bugs and dragon flies.
Another is badgers parting gift Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/04/2018 18:16

Get a book Flowers
goodbye Mog is lovely
There is also a really nice dog one too
Try a local library

I think reading the book then gently explaining this is what’s happening to Nana ?

That said - you can’t polish a turd and they will be upset but the kid books on death are so lovely and they help adults too SadFlowers

Sirzy · 28/04/2018 18:16

I think as hard as it is it is best to be as honest as possible with them, have a look at charities like winstons wish as they deal with child bereavement. It sounds like he is already aware it is very much a possibility which is a good starting point for him.

Sorry you are going through this.

Madonnasmum · 28/04/2018 18:18

I explained it to mine as a big long sleep you dont wake up from but you go to heaven and meet up with everyone else.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/04/2018 18:18

The one called ‘up in heaven’ is also lovely and is on amazon

It just really helps get the message across

zzzzz · 28/04/2018 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Coconutty89 · 28/04/2018 18:21

thank you everyone I'll have a look at the books - what a great idea. Flowers

OP posts:
Tempnamechange77 · 28/04/2018 18:23

“The Grand Wolf” book is lovely. Very real and doesn’t beat about the bush but also uplifting 💐

MyHairyToe · 28/04/2018 18:24

When we had a very sad death in the family we tried to be honest with our DCs- also 4 at the time. We focussed a lot on when someone loves you, they are always with you in your memories and in your heart even though they have died.
I read you shouldn’t say someone is sleeping as it can cause children to be scared to go to sleep Sad
It is really hard OP as you can’t protect them from it... I understand Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 28/04/2018 18:25

This may be helpful. With respect to a pp I believe it is not recommended to use ambiguous phrases such as ‘lost’ or ‘gone to sleep’ even though they may appear less harsh as they can be confusing.

Simple but plain language is best and you may need to repeat it frequently. Agree how sad it is and how much nana loved ds and how much she will be missed. Maybe also create a memory book or box of photos or momentos of their time together.

Sorry you are in this position.

Cacofonix · 28/04/2018 18:27

Do not say it's a big long sleep!! They will never want to go to bed. When my DF died I just explained that the doctors could no longer fix him and it was his time to die. Even though we will miss him and have lovely memories and can talk about him whenever we want that we will never see him again. I think you have to be quite blunt with young children that being dead meaning their body no longer works or feels and we can't be with them any more. If you believe in God then use the heaven line.

ZX81user · 28/04/2018 18:27

Hi is 4 not a toddler!!
He will surely understand what dying is

Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 18:29

I honestly wouldn’t take a child so young to the hospital now that’s she’s in the last stages. It’s upsetting for adult. (I lost my dad in this way). Try and encourage him to have happy last memories of her. Do you have any videos of them together on your phone.

I think your explanation sounds age appropriate. I lost my maternal grandparents before I was 4 and only have a few memories but there are lots of photos of us together.

grumpypug · 28/04/2018 18:31

Please don't say it's like a sleep.

I said that their body doesn't work anymore and they can't be made better so they've died. That means they won't ever see them again but you can remember them and all the nice times. Don't be afraid of using the word died - it's recommended to use the correct language with children to avoid confusion.

Sundayspilot · 28/04/2018 18:42

Hi OP. There have been many great suggestions upthread, but I thought I'd give mine as well.

We are an atheist family and found a book called The tenth good thing about Barney immensely comforting. It's very gentle and has a non-faith based approach to loss without bashing others' religious sentiments. Hope I'm not being presumptive, but it was helpful to us when we needed it Flowers

Addictedtocustardcreams · 28/04/2018 18:53

We used badger’s parting gift as it really reflected how we felt (not a religious family but it’s about how someone lives on with us because of all the things they brought to your life). Agree with others keep things clear language and factual, I talked about how the person’s body didn’t work anymore. Be prepared for your DS to not have the same filter as an adult when talking about death e.g. my DD still will look at a photo and say “that’s my grandad when he was alive, he’s dead now”.
It’s tricky but I am sure you can support your DS through it.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 28/04/2018 18:58

My df died last month and we were honest with our 3 year old. We took him to hospital (circumstances sound very similar, small cell lung cancer then he caught pseudo pneumonia) and once we realised that he wasn't getting better, started talking to ds about that to prepare him. Luckily ds loves dinosaurs so grasped the idea fairly quickly. "Is granddad going extinct?".

Books help, my dm's Church gave us "water bugs and dragon flies" which is lovely but does have a religious take on it. We also got "I miss you: a first look at death" which I felt was really helpful especially as it covered funerals too and a friend gave us "Always and forever". It's worth reading them yourself first just so you know where the trigger points for tears from you are likely to be.

I would recommend he goes to the funeral as well. Being able to say goodbye and knowing where his granddad was helped ds a lot.

Also we're making a memory book, I started it because I'm pregnant and my dad asked ds to make sure he told the new baby all about him once he realised he wasn't going to make it to the birth but I think it's helped ds quite a bit. Looking through all the photos, picking the favourite ones of him and his granddad and also talking about the stuff they did together so I can write it down for him. We pressed some of the funeral flowers which will go in as well. He's got his watch and hat too which mean the world to him.

isthistoonosy · 28/04/2018 18:58

Just in case you don't want to talk about heaven, we just say to our kids that their grandparents are in their special stone. They can still talk to the special stone if needed.

catinapoolofsunshine · 28/04/2018 19:11

Like grumpypug we have explained about people's bodies not working any more. It was easier with dh's grandma (father's mother) when the kids were 2, 5 and 7, but when dh's own mother died - outlived by her own mother - the children had a lot more questions and arguments about the unfairness. We answered honestly and reinforced that it isn't fair, they are right. It's ok and normal to be angry. It's ok and normal to be very sad and cry. It's also ok and normal not to cry (one of ours was upset that she couldn't cry - she shouldn't have been, she was her grandmother's rock in the final stages and handled the shit cancer does to a strong capable woman better than many adults and was the only one of the children still determined to visit in the last stages - and the only individual mil continued to recognise and not mix up with someone of a different generation). Everything is normal, and nothing is, because it is shit.

You just have to acknowledge and validate their feelings, I think.

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 19:21

It also helps, I think, to say that Nana still lives on in other people...same colour eyes, same laugh, same interests or something like that. If someone doesn't have children, you can still say they live on in other relatives, or in the memories of the nice things they did and the ways they made people happy.

Oddsoxs · 28/04/2018 19:23

Google Winston's wish it's a children bereavement charity . They have lots of advice .

AgentHannahWells · 28/04/2018 19:23

I'm so sorry OP for what you're going through. I have seen Michael rosens Sad Book recommended too, not read it myself.

Take it easy on yourself it's a hard time for you too Flowers

prettybird · 28/04/2018 19:31

I'll second the corniness that is the "circle of life" from The Lion King.

It's also important to say you're allowed to be sad and to miss them and that it can help to talk about them. Remembering the good times is a way of keeping them alive in your heart.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 28/04/2018 19:38

It sounds like he understands death. No amount of understanding makes it easier, and he should be allowed to grieve. Help him hold on to happy memories and keep her alive in his heart, but he will also be sad/ angry and this is normal.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/04/2018 19:42

Not sad book - Jesus that one slayed me Sad such a beautiful tale but ...

Sorry OP to derail your thread
I remember this happening to my DS too and it’s heartbreaking

But I always remember to feel grateful for the time we had and they live they gave us . As corny as that sounds

Swipe left for the next trending thread