to ask for help explaining death to my 4 year old?

[Coconutty89]

hey all.
first post in AIBU

I need help- my son's nana (on his dad's side) is terminally ill. she's quickly deteriorating and they're not sure she has long left, secondary cancer spreading plus pneumonia which has either accelerated and turned to flu or she has this also. they've tried to change her medication to no avail.

my son and his nana are very close and it's breaking his little heart seeing her hooked up to machines in hospital. she's been alot worse the last few days so I haven't taken him as I don't think it's fair for either of them.
I'm sorry for using AIBU this way but I need help and alot of it!
I'm 25 myself and haven't experienced death except for one friend 6 months ago and that hit me hard. I still have all my grandparents and I've never had to face grief in the family before.

my ex (son's dad) is seriously struggling with his mum, I'm doing my best to support him (we're still good friends) but I'm not sure what to do really. I feel useless in this situation.

my DS is 4 and asking lots of questions about heaven. what prompted me to post is he just asked if his nana is going to heaven soon and when I said I'm not sure he burst out crying saying he needs her and he'll miss her and she can't go because he loves her.
I don't know how to handle this and could really do with the handhold.

sorry for the long ramble

Don't know if this will help but it's what I've always told my kids/Gkids.
I tell them that they know how much everyone loves their Mummies and they Nod and agree.
Well DNana has a Mummy, do you know that? Usually don't know.
Well DNana is getting quite old/ not very well, you know that. Nods!
And when you're not very Well you want your Mummy. Nods!
Well DNana wants to go to her Mummy who's in heaven.
That's ok isn't it?
Well along those lines and I've said the same for people and pets.
I'm no expert but it's always worked for me.
Hth!

My opinion is there's nothing for either of them to gain by you taking him to the hospital again if it's upsetting him. The only thing I'd def recommend is to be absolutely straightforward and truthful with him. My FIL recently lost his best friend to cancer and DH told DD that grandad was sad because he'd lost his best friend, cue a very awkward encounter the next time we saw FIL when DD asked whether he'd found his friend yet and how hard had he looked

Contact Cruse, the Bereavement charity, they were very helpful when my dad died. I also have young children and they helped me to explain death to them in an age appropriate way. Don't hide it from him to shield him from the pain, it'll make it worse for him later on. You are doing the right thing by involving him as much as possible.

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

thank you everyone for your advice.
we weren't ever going to tell him that she was having a long sleep as he is already not a great sleeper

unfortunately around 45 minutes ago his dad arrived with the news that she has passed away late this afternoon.

thank you for everyone's help it's much appreciated

So sorry for your loss. I hope you find a way to discuss this

I have been building up to my dad dying with my DS as his cancer spreads.

I don’t tell him any of the Mumbo jumbo about heaven since we don’t believe in that stuff. But ask him what he thinks happens.

And everyone will die at some point but we can always think and talk about them and never stop loving them even when they’re gone

he just asked if she's happy now she's gone to be with great grandma. I think he's trying his best to understand it without confusing matters too much.
I'm going to get him some of the books mentioned to hopefully help some more

In a similar situation but DS hasn't cottoned on yet. We have been trying to explain to him that everyone does eventually. At first this upset him. A lot. Then we took him to some very pretty grave yards and explained the whole burial thing to him. He had now promised to visit all of our graves and put flowers on them. I think that the best course of action is to explain and normalise death before hand so he will knew what to expect. Reading the names and ages of people on tomb stones was the turning point for us. He went from not allowing anyone to die to accepting that it would happen. Only time will tell whether this will be adequate preparation for when he actually does but we will see and hope that knowledge gives DS comfort and helps him accept the loss.

We havent experienced a death in the family yet. However my 2 boys aged 4 amd 2.5 at the time saw a dead pigeon and it prompted this talk. I was hinest and said it had died. And it was now in heaven. They asked why and i said it was very old and poorly and couldnt be foxed anymore. This escalated to humans etc and they asked if i would die and again i was honest and said probably not for a very long time. And they were a bit upset but they understamd now. When our friends dog died they were a bit uoset asked a few more questions and acceoted it. Anpther mother heard us talking and was shockd and thought they shouldnt know. But i think you should be honest as it is inevitable and something like it will happen in their life span. Its not a taboo its a fact of life. Just be there and lots of cuddles and reassurance. Aorry about spelling and grammar. Typing with ledt hand

Lots of great advice.
To add one thing, I had to reassure my Dd that me crying was normal. I just couldn't talk about my grandad, or explain anyone to her, without breaking down a little bit. She'd never seen me cry and never really understood that adults can and do cry. It scared her a bit. So we had a chat and I said it was all part of loving someone, being sad if they weren't there any more,and that in time I would be able to talk about him with joy because he brought a lot of laughter and that memory would never go away, but just at the moment I felt bad because he was gone and that feeling was stronger so I cried more than laughed. She needed reassurance that she could cry, but also that it was normal for me to cry too.

I agree with pp don't say big long sleep or you will possibly start to have problems with him going to bed/ sleep. My grandma died a couple of years ago and I have 2dc 3and 5 at the time, I was as factual as possible but didn't say too much and just answered questions. I broadly said her body didn't work anymore but a lot of people believe her spirit (all her thoughts, happiness and personality etc) have been set free and probably have gone to heaven. They have since asked questions like what can you do in heaven- my answer well I suppose anything as her body isn't holding her back anymore, do you need to breathe in heaven- my answer, well I suppose not because she doesn't have her body with her, they agreed she probably did and just didn't have to worry or think about it.
I think reading books like mog etc could be helpful, although my children just saw it as code for we are getting a kitten, which we were not!

Haven't read all the posts, but Winston's Wish is a childhood bereavement charity - they have a website - maybe see if you can find any tips on there?

My now four year old has been bringing this up since he was about 2.5. His focus is more on what happens next than the loss. We are not religious and I’m not keen on euphemisms. I’ve asked him to think about what it was like before he was born. Was he unhappy? In pain? Upset or frightened? I’ve told him being dead is just the same. The person is not scared or upset at all. Other people will miss them but their memory will live on with those who love them. He seems ok with this explanation. His nan died when he was just under 2 and we’ve had a few other near misses that have precipitated these conversations.

Just to add another book;
‘Are you Sad Little Bear? A book about learning to say goodbye’ by Rachel Rivett and Tina Macnaughton is lovely too.

I came on to say 'waterbugs and dragonflies' too. It helped me when I was little when my uncle passed unexpectedly.

Very sad but it helped me understand the not coming back but going somewhere else imagery.

I'll be buying it for my children soon too 😞

Aw Op . May she rest in peace

thankyou everyone and so sorry to everyone experiencing the same thing