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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my husbands weekend away?

52 replies

Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 15:53

My husbands friends are planning a weekend away this summer. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I know it’s only a matter of time. I’m not really happy at all with the idea.

They all went away last year and after he got back I found messages on his phone where he had been trying to buy drugs. He denied having taken anything and claimed not to remember having attempted to buy it. I’m not stupid enough to believe this!
Anyway a few months later he was sacked
from his job for reasons pertaining to the same drug. Again he denies it happened 🙄

Anyway it became apparent to me that I’d been very naive for quite a few years. Looking back it’s clear that he has been out doing drugs regularly without me knowing. I knew he did drugs in the past but was led to believe he had left all that behind him. It was certainly part of the deal of us having children that drugs would not factor in our lives.

We have been through a hellish year as a family and are still not totally out of it. I’m not at all happy about the idea of him going away on a drink and drug weekend with these friends of his. He will claim that I’m being ridiculous and that is not what it will be. But I’m not stupid.
So wibu to tell him ( when he gets around to mentioning it) that I’m not happy about him going? Obviously I cannot stop him but if he does go he will have to suffer the consequences?

OP posts:
RomeoBunny · 28/04/2018 15:57

Sod the holiday. Let him go. Change the locks when he's gone. Job done.

Are you talking class A or a bit of weed? Either or if he's lying he's probably lying about a number of other things so I wouldn't want someone like that near my children.

Original poster
Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 15:58

Class A. He has a lot of previous for going out for a “few” and rolling back at 4am. Now it’s clear what he was out doing but at the time I had no idea. Never taken drugs myself so wasn’t really on my radar.

OP posts:
PipPupAway · 28/04/2018 15:58

Doesn't really sound like a bloke I would want to stay with if he's lying like this all the time about drugs.
If you try and prevent him from going he will forever hold a grudge and your relationship will go downhill, but if you do let him go you know he's doing drugs.

Tough one op depends how much you value the relationship

captainbizz · 28/04/2018 15:59

How long have you been with him OP?

It doesn't sound good. When you lose your job due to a drug then you have a problem, it's not just recreational/occasional use that I could probably turn a blind eye to.

If I was you I wouldn't be asking the question "shall I ask him not to go" I'd be asking "do I want to be with this man anymore"

But of course, easy for me to say from the other side of the keyboard.

Sorry OP

Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 16:00

If he’s not bringing it into the home and he’s only doing it occasionally on a lads holiday like this then I would have no issue with it.

Original poster
Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 16:10

He wasn’t just doing it on holiday. Looking back now he was clearly doing it on a very regular basis. No idea if he brought it home as I said I wasn’t aware of it at all until last year.
He denies it was an issue and claims the work allegation was someone “ out to get him.

Been together 15 years. Not too sure I do value him or the relationship but circumstances dictate I can’t leave just yet.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 16:13

I’m not anti drugs so my response is going to be different than the majority I suppose. My opinion is, if someone can afford it, isn’t doing it in front of the kids, isn’t driving, and it doesn’t turn them into a psychotic arsehole, then I don’t have a problem with it.

Original poster
Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 16:15

Crispbutty did you miss the part where I said his drug use caused him to be sacked??

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 16:15

If he's taking drugs anyway, does it matter whether he goes away for the weekend during the Summer?

I don't think the weekend away is the issue here - it's the drugs.

BMW6 · 28/04/2018 16:18

I agree with pp that the weekend away is a bit of a red herring. Do you think he's using regularly now? Does he have another job and access to funds to pay for drugs?

Original poster
Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 16:23

He does have another job. He’s had to make big changes which included stopping drugs and alcohol. Which is why this weekend isn’t sitting well with me as I know he will be back on both.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 28/04/2018 16:26

I can't really understand why you are still with him tbh......

Wdigin2this · 28/04/2018 16:26

As said above, let him go, change the locks and contact a solicitor about a divorce!
He's obviously never going to change, and he will become a hell of a drag on your life, get out now whilst the going's good!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/04/2018 16:33

If he isn't bringing it into the home and he’s only doing it occasionally on a lads holiday like this then I would have no issue with it.
It got him sacked, they had an agreement that drugs have no place in their family life, it could get him arrested (op doesn't say if it's in the uk, if it's abroad it could be a lot worse.) He's putting his risky, illegal "fun" before his family. And he's showing massive disrespect to you.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 16:41

As said above, let him go, change the locks and contact a solicitor about a divorce!

It was bad enough someone trotted out that 'advice' the first time, without it being repeated.

You can't just go around changing locks to other people's homes, even if you do happen to be married to them.

Iloveacurry · 28/04/2018 16:47

You said he’d been sacked from his job, has he got another job then? Honestly, he doesn’t sound a particularly nice bloke, I’m sure you’d be better off without him.

NamechangerT1000 · 28/04/2018 16:50

It would be a relationship ender for me (not the weekend, the drug taking). Absolutely not. I couldn't and wouldn't let him drag me and the kids through the hell of class A drug taking. The lies, the money, the job losses, the health risks. I would be more worried about the big picture than this weekend away.
Good luck OP.

AJPTaylor · 28/04/2018 16:58

I would say no in those circs.
You are right. You cant stop him but yoy certainly cant condone it

Weezol · 28/04/2018 17:04

You say you can't leave now - would it be possible to get to a position where you can get things together for the weekend he's away?
As you are married with children, could you/would you want to stay in the house if he moved out?

Idontdowindows · 28/04/2018 17:09

Sure, you can stop him going on the weekend.

You can't stop him taking drugs.

If you're going to have to treat him like a toddler in order to have a decent partner, time to start over with an adult who knows his responsibilities.

GnotherGnu · 28/04/2018 17:09

I wouldn't wait till he mentions it, I'd bring it out into the open now with a question along the lines of "Of course, you're not thinking of going on that weekend away this year, are you,?" And if the answer is anything other than agreement, tell him he needn't bother to come back if he does.

Tistheseason17 · 28/04/2018 17:14

Why can't you leave now, OP?
What are you waiting for?

Lalliella · 28/04/2018 17:16

You are taking a massive risk having someone who does class A drugs living with your children. That would be a complete deal-breaker for me. If I knew who you were I’d call social services on you. Sorry.

BewareOfDragons · 28/04/2018 17:18

I would say no, unless he's not planning to return to your home.

It's you and the children or his friends and the drug holiday.

He's already jeopardized his freedom and your family's stability by doing drugs and losing his job over it.

He's putting your family at risk every time he brings illegal drugs into it.

It's got to stop.

Tell him his choice should be easy.

JessicaJonesJacket · 28/04/2018 17:21

If he mentions it, I'd say you assume he isn't going since drugs have already cost you both so much ie his job, trust, etc. Then if he says he wants to go. I'd make it clear he wasn't welcome back.
There's so much wrong with your relationship. He hasn't taken responsibility for his problem if he's blaming other people. He's also lying to you about his habit. I can understand if there are practical reasons you don't want to leave just yet but I would be putting a timeline together. Then his plans for the weekend become incidental.

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