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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my husbands weekend away?

52 replies

Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 15:53

My husbands friends are planning a weekend away this summer. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I know it’s only a matter of time. I’m not really happy at all with the idea.

They all went away last year and after he got back I found messages on his phone where he had been trying to buy drugs. He denied having taken anything and claimed not to remember having attempted to buy it. I’m not stupid enough to believe this!
Anyway a few months later he was sacked
from his job for reasons pertaining to the same drug. Again he denies it happened 🙄

Anyway it became apparent to me that I’d been very naive for quite a few years. Looking back it’s clear that he has been out doing drugs regularly without me knowing. I knew he did drugs in the past but was led to believe he had left all that behind him. It was certainly part of the deal of us having children that drugs would not factor in our lives.

We have been through a hellish year as a family and are still not totally out of it. I’m not at all happy about the idea of him going away on a drink and drug weekend with these friends of his. He will claim that I’m being ridiculous and that is not what it will be. But I’m not stupid.
So wibu to tell him ( when he gets around to mentioning it) that I’m not happy about him going? Obviously I cannot stop him but if he does go he will have to suffer the consequences?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 17:25

The weekend away would be a non issue for me, as I'd no longer be married to such an irresponsible person.

A grown man (or woman) shouldn't need permission or be allowed to go on a weekend. You're not his mum...but this is what his drug use has caused.

YANBU

pigeondujour · 28/04/2018 17:28

If I knew who you were I’d call social services on you.

You've a very unrealistic idea of how many people take class A drugs recreationally then. That said I would agree with you in this instance OP given it's affected his job. Doing it abroad is so risky too.

GirlsBlouse17 · 28/04/2018 17:28

If he is finding it hard to stop taking drugs, he obviously has a problem. I think you need to think seriously about the future of your relationship.

misscph1973 · 28/04/2018 17:33

It's so easy to say LTB to someone you don't know. I think the advice would be different if it was a friend IRL. Bu then again, how many of us would confide in a friend about this kind of relationship problem? I would personally find it hard, I would feel that I was being illoyal to my spouse by talking about him behind his back. So we turn to internet forums.

I understand you dilemma. Your DH should be able to make his own decisions, but as this particular situations affects you, you don't know what to do. It is quite unreasonable that your DH does not seem to understand the consequences of his actions and seems to have forgotten that you had a deal about the drug taking. You have to weight it up. How big is this for you? Is it a deal breaker? Are you prepared to split up with him over this? Are you ready to follow through if you give him an ultimatum? Or are you going to get over it and carry on?

Idontdowindows · 28/04/2018 17:35

If I knew who you were I’d call social services on you.

Sure, sure, punish the woman for the man's idiocy. Have her children taken from her because she's between a rock and a hard place.

Fucking hell.

Viviennemary · 28/04/2018 17:40

You've got a lot more to worry about than whether or not he goes on holiday. I agree it's not the weekend away that's the issue but the drug taking.

BennyTheBall · 28/04/2018 17:47

I haven’t got a huge problem with drug taking, but in his case, it’s clearly had a damaging effect and makes him deceitful. Plus it could risk his new job.

He sounds immature. But is it a deal breaker?

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 28/04/2018 17:48

I would encourage his sobriety.
Coke is £70 /80/90 a gram depending on quality. So I suggest you buy yourself a £2000 handbag on his account and don't mention it. If he doesn't have £2000 in his account then he really ought not to be taking coke.

So you have had no idea when your husband is in intense conversations?. Coke is a tricky one, so is alcohol. Coke is socially acceptable in so many circles, alcohol is the gateway to making that call most of the time. Can he get some therapy? I found AA to be really great... NA too, fantastic stories of everyone elses if nothing else, but a great chance for introspection and growth.

MumW · 28/04/2018 17:57

If I knew who you were I’d call social services on you.

Sure, sure, punish the woman for the man's idiocy. Have her children taken from her because she's between a rock and a hard place.

Whilst I agree that punishing/attacking the OP is not on, there is a very good message here. If he is doing drugs, then this is a potential outcome. Point this out to him, if this, on top of the sacking doesn't change his mind then, unfortunately, you know what you will have to do.

You say you aren't in a position to leave right now so start putting together a back up plan. Secret savings account, bolt hole, necessary documents/medications to hand in case you need to go in a hurry. Having a back up doesn't mean you have to use it but you'll have the peace of mind knowing it is there. It also removes any power that he has over you.

I know it's easy for me sitting here not facing your dilemma but I'm not sure I could stay with a man who continued to use drugs after promising not to after the kids were born.

Expect you could use GinWine but you probably need to keep a level head so Brew Cake FlowersChocolate

Madonnasmum · 28/04/2018 18:04

The weekend away is not the problem and you know that. Using class A drugs is an idiot's game.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/04/2018 18:05

Just talk to him OP

All you will get here is the usual changethelock LTB

He has lost a job due to drug use
He has has chosen to have a family

So why is he trying to throw it away ? As casual occasional weekend use doesn’t usually end up in losing a job does it ?

So what gives ? What exactly does he think he is playing at

Montisse · 28/04/2018 18:18

You can't just go around changing locks to other people's homes, even if you do happen to be married to them.

Why, what would happen?

Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 18:23

Social services have enough to deal with. They are not going to be interested in someone doing a few lines of coke when he’s at a party. He’s not dealing it or putting it on the kids cereal.

timeisnotaline · 28/04/2018 18:29

I would say as Jessicajones suggests. That weekend and those friends is associated for you with not just his doing drugs but you finding out he was lying to you and had put his job at jeopardy. Not going this year would have to be part of the requirement for staying in our marriage.

Original poster
Kizzy2018 · 28/04/2018 19:10

Sorry I can’t remember which poster it was that asked if I hadn’t realised my husband was on coke during intense conversations. I’ve never seen it. He’d go out drinking and stay out all night. He’d tell me he was drinking and it’s only now that I realise it was coke he was doing until 4am. I’d not see him until later that morning. I’ve no experience with drugs so can’t tell a hangover from a comedown.

I can’t talk to him about drugs as he just denies it all. I found texts between him and a guy that he was clearly buying drugs from but he just claimed not to recall sending them and maintained he didn’t take any drugs. I might be naive but I’m not stupid!

If he wants to do drugs that’s his choice but unfortunately I wasn’t given the choice as to whether I wanted drugs in my life. I never would have married him if he’d been honest with me.

I was planning to leave once my child starts school if things didn’t improve.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 28/04/2018 19:18

The problem is not the weekend. It's the drugs.

Don't wait for your child to start school. Leave now. This is only going to get worse with time.

Weezol · 28/04/2018 19:32

If your child hasn't started school yet, I would go as soon as you feel you can. If you need some time to get documents and money together, take it.

Ideally this will be the only time you will be leaving so have a read of the info from the National DV Hotline and Women's Aid and make sure that when you leave you have everything you need.

Mawalls · 28/04/2018 21:33

what is this change the locks nonsense, he lives there, he has rights.

would you recommend a man engages in abusive and controlling behavior

SevenStones · 28/04/2018 21:42

I can’t talk to him about drugs as he just denies it all. I found texts between him and a guy that he was clearly buying drugs from but he just claimed not to recall sending them and maintained he didn’t take any drugs.

That would be the end for me, and what might happen in the future wouldn't really come into it.

WorraLiberty · 28/04/2018 22:41

Montisse What would happen? Confused

Errrr the police would arrive and threaten to arrest the OP, if she didn't let him back into his own home.

Montisse · 29/04/2018 11:05

errrr Hmm

I don’t think the police would, actually

YouTheCat · 29/04/2018 11:13

OP, get yourself sorted and leave him. He'll just keep denying what he's doing.

Claire90ftm · 29/04/2018 19:10

@Lalliella I'm with you on the social services!

SanityChick · 29/04/2018 19:17

The weekend away is an irrelevance. The issue is that he takes drugs to the extent that it affects your family life (its got him sacked from his job.) If anything its better for him to be doing them on a lads weekend away than closer to home.

The question you really want to be asking is whether you want to be with someone whose drug use has previously lost him his job and who still wants to continue to use them.

I'm not particularly anti drugs for the record, if people can handle them in moderation and afford them and keep them away from children I don't have a blanket dislike of them.

But its clearly causing problems for your relationship and your family life. I think you have to ask whether you want to remain in a relationship with this man. He clearly has problems and you don't trust him.

FeralBeryl · 29/04/2018 19:17

I'd sit and have a very serious conversation about it all. I'd be saying that his refusal to admit what he'd done is going to split you up. Even if he was 'innocent' wrt work, the fact that he has form for it helped his dismissal.
I'd say you weren't willing to risk your kids being exposed to his behaviour following a bender, to the almost guaranteed financial drain as his tolerance builds, to the worry that he may have a massive heart attack, to everything.
Even if he agreed, I'd be buying home test kits and asking him to randomly check until my trust was rebuilt.
I honestly think your bemusement at the situation has let him steer you into not having the huge reaction that you probably would have done.

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