To be upset

[catattack123]

Would you be upset if your partner said 'you used to spend hours making an effort for me now you just don't give a shit' I have a 2 year old and am 18 weeks pregnant so just don't have the time or energy to straighten my hair and do my make up every day anymore :( it really upset me and i started tearing up at the bus station which made him very angry and told me to stop stropping- I told him it hurt my feelings and he started saying how he can never have a laugh and joke with me anymore and has to tip toe around me and watch what he says. AIBU for taking it to heart?

I'd have been upset too, not least because it shows a fundamental lack of understanding at how you can't spend hours 'making an effort' with a 2-year-old in tow.

I guess the question is, is this an unusually unkind for him to say? Or is this how he talks to you often?

He sounds like an arsehole. I'd of pushed him under a bus tbh haha. You're raising a toddler and growing another baby, who cares what you look like as long as you're comfortable! I couldn't imagine anything worse than spending ages on hair and makeup while pregnant only to sweat it off from being sick. Such an uncalled for thing for him to say, he owes you an apology xx

No your not BU, he is.. how dare he think he can say something like that and then try and make a joke out of it... Don't let him get to you just rise above it and know you are beautiful and your body is working overtime at the minute of course your not going to feel like putting on make up all the time, he's an arse..

YANBU. What an insensitive prick. Surely he’d rather you take adequate care of your child and pregnancy than have straightened hair? I recommend you suggest he take on more responsibility for the toddler so you have time to “make an effort for him”.

I agree with PP he owes you an apology, it's a nasty thing to say and what does he hope to achieve from saying that to you other than to be hurtful?

YANBU

Its a twat-ish thing to say. Tell him for more help with the house work and children would allow you to 'spend hours' making an effort with your appearance.

Don't let him back track and make out he was joking. My ex used to do this. Be an awful comment then when i got upset, say he was only joking.

He’s a dickhead. And he’s deflecting blame on to you because he knows he’s being a dickhead.

Did he just mean with your appearance or is that just how you understood it? He may feel that you were once a good coupe, friends, fun etc - and now he feels as though he's bottom of your priority list. That's a horrible feeling so it might be worth talking it through. MAybe making sure you get some toddler-free time together, remember why you got together in the firt place. Maybe he could help you more - or someone else could.

I know how hard it is with little kids and being pregnant - but I also know what it is like to fel that your partner doesn't even see who you are anymore

Sorry for typos - keyboard sticks

Thank you for replies, glad I wasn't just being overly sensitive.
@PaintedHorizons Yes he did mean my appearance as I was talking about getting my hair cut. I know what you mean but we do spend time together alone too, this evening we are going to an illusionist show without DS- though now I feel I need to rush home first and straighten my hair

Without being a cow, is he right? Would you feel better if you had more time to yourself?
Say, OK dh, you have handled it shite but here's the deal - you watch the dc a bit more and I can have more me time to get ready etc. .
Tbh I prob looked like shit for years with the exh because he did fuck all for the dc.

I hate men like this, total idiots. All this 'making an effort for him' lark, he needs to grow up.

You make an effort for yourself. If he likes it, great, if not, well that's his problem.

DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

He made a nasty comment, you got upset.
He got angry, and said he has to tiptoe round you, making out he is the victim.
But you don't have to tiptoe round someone that is crying, they aren't attacking you.

DARVO is abusive behaviour. If he was concerned you don't get any time for yourself he would do something about that.

He sounds very immature and how unkind. I wouldve been upset too. Then he's twisted it by saying it's a joke. Hope your OK

Would he look after your ds all afternoon so you can have a rest and do your hair and make up? Is that what you want to do anyway?

Sorry, what a dick.

I often think about the lucky escapes I have had, then men who I nearly settled down with, who would really have had a problem with the 3 stone I have gained and then slowly lost each time I've been pregnant, the short hair cuts to cope with post partum hair loss, the post partum greasy skin and acne I seem to get for 6 months each time and the long slow recovery of all that grooming stuff when tied to a baby/toddler.

Fortunately I have a lovely DH who is first and foremost my best friend and partner in the challenging task of raising our family together, who tells me I am beautiful no matter what, who pretends not to notice the flaws I see, and is furious with anyone (usually my family) who makes any comment to the contrary.

Not smug, honestly, I feel very fortunate and can see that I had some near misses with some much less mature men who would have struggled with the change in my appearance. Maybe a frank discussion with your DP about what kind of man he wants to be is in order. No need for you to be upset, he's the one who needs to think about his behaviour and the long term consequences.

I’m sorry your OH is an insensitive knob!
Remind him that you did used to spend time making yourself nice, but that you are no longer that girl, life changed when you became a mum and now you’re a woman with a slightly different approach to life!
I’d be pointing out a few of his faults, starting with his appalling attitude towards the mother of his children and then absolutely every little thing he says, does or wears that isn’t perfect.

Tell him he’s a twat from me too.

Yanbu, he is a moron.

What an insensitive git! YANBU at all OP. I'm sorry he upset you. Tell him you haven't got time because now you spend hours looking after his kids!

Right there with u OP. I was called a "tramp" by my OH during an argument. Been off work, agency so don't get paid other than Statutory. Just had my wages stressed and have no clothes to fit so I've had to get second hand ones from family members. I'm 17 weeks pregnant n just cry all the time.

My OH is a dick and so is urs. I'd love to dress and look the way I used to but have no time, money or motivation.
Could u suggest OH helps out with DC and give u more time to feel like urself?

It's horrible being told something like that from ur primary support. I feel for u.

How long does he spend every day making an effort for you?

Woshambo
Bloody heel that’s outrageous! Isn’t he going to buy you any clothes?

I'd tell him he USED to be worth making an effort for.
I'd be upset too and probably book a spa break at his expence I know mumsnet sin and let him be responsible for the 2 year old while I went and pampered myself and tell him I was off making an effort for my benefit!

even if it is true.why should that matter or even be highlighted.he should understand the pressures you have on your now.it shouldn't even come into it when he looks at you if hes worth a bolt.

Making an effort for each other is nice. Does he for you?

"I guess the question is, is this an unusually unkind for him to say?"

Only because you're on Mumsnet.

"book a spa break"

Jesus

Tell him to sod off. I bet he looks incredible right? Six pack, stylishly dressed? Never slobs around farting in his old boxers? Fucking twat. I'd have been raging.