To be upset

[catattack123]

Would you be upset if your partner said 'you used to spend hours making an effort for me now you just don't give a shit' I have a 2 year old and am 18 weeks pregnant so just don't have the time or energy to straighten my hair and do my make up every day anymore :( it really upset me and i started tearing up at the bus station which made him very angry and told me to stop stropping- I told him it hurt my feelings and he started saying how he can never have a laugh and joke with me anymore and has to tip toe around me and watch what he says. AIBU for taking it to heart?

I put on and lose 3 stone (not great, I know), we go out when I still have wet hair, make up is only when I really have time... My DH loves whatever and always makes me feel beautiful.

This is what your DH should be saying. He is being an immature numpty.

And, erm, I presume he spends hours making an effort for you? What, he doesn't. Gosh, what a surprise.

Would you be upset if your partner said 'you used to spend hours making an effort for me now you just don't give a shit

I'd be angry not upset and I'd ask him when he ever spent hours getting ready for me, let alone now?

You're spending 24 hours a day creating a new human being. I think that's a little more important than "making an effort" for him.

Tosser.

Yanbu op.
It's only a certain kind of person who would say something like this, and it isn't someone I would spend any time with. You deserve better, everyone does.

It's unkind, unnecessary, and nasty. Why would you be with someone with those characteristics?

You could turn it around in your favour though op.
'Great, I'll book a hair appointment and facial for next Saturday.' (Ie solo childcare for him)
You could also start going to the gym (or whatever you like to do) 'well, you did say I was letting myself go, just doing something about it, like you wanted. Have fun giving dd her tea and putting her to bed. Bye.'

I used to hang out a lot with someone I fancied at the time, who came out with that sort of tripe - I'm a tomboy/closet goth type, he wanted me to wear makeup (which I never do) and "feminine" clothes (to be fair, I did both for a while but it just made me feel like shit so I stopped), and who made me feel guilty for "upsetting him" when I'd had a bad day at a job I hated, or getting angry at me for nearly breaking stuff he'd left on the floor etc. In short he was a complete twat and I feel like I really dodged a bullet walking away from him.

I appreciate it wouldn't so easy for you to do that, even if you'd like to, but yes, if I were having children with someone and they had that sort of self entitled attitude towards me (never been pregnant or looked after children myself, but I can see how draining your situation is - evidently he can't, or chooses not to), I wouldn't feel upset, I'd be fucking raging!

A lot of truth is said in jest. He is gaslighting you that he didn't mean it and it was all a joke. It is a common defence mechanism by men to make women feel like they are being overly emotional or dramatic.

What husband makes a joke about their wife's looks? And even if it was a bad joke, as soon as it upset you, the kind thing to do would be apologise.

I agree with PP, is he normally this unkind?

Yes I’d be upset if my do couldn’t understand the demands of pg and being a parent
I’d expect him to not reduce me to my appearance and GHD hair
Get him told he needs to step up as a man and as a parent

Jesus yanbu
He's being a complete dick

He sounds like an arse.

You make an effort for you not for him.

Agree with others - tell him to step up and make time for you to relax now. And comment 'honestly' on his appearance. When he objects, tell him you were just 'joking' and he's so lame, he can't take a joke.

What a shallow, uncaring wanker he is.
I expect he really does loads to help you out with the little one, does he? Oh wait, doubt it.
I expect he does a full share of the housework and cooking etc., does he? Probably not.

So he expects you, being pregnant and the mother of a toddler, to WASTE hours making yourself "look good" for HIM, but does fuck all to actually help you out? I'm guessing this is fairly accurate.

He wasn't joking, and you're entitled to be upset at his attitude.

I would also now start to keep an eye out for signs that he's looking elsewhere - this is a common male reaction to deciding that "their woman" has "let herself go" and no longer considers "keeping herself nice for him" to be important.

I'd happily slap him for you if I could. Total twat.

My DH and I just had a little tiff OP. I have depression though it's fairly under control with medication but I've slipped out of regular routines of shaving legs, eyebrows and hair dye. I have 4 DC too and until a week ago, worked whilst DH looked after them.

Yesterday I shaved legs and plucked eyebrows, getting hair dye today. It's sunny where I am so today I found a dress in my cupboard that I remember my DH loving me wearing last year. I put it on as a surprise and when he saw me, he said 'i thought you were going to shave your legs' and 'people will think you are naked in that' (beige dress)

I was really hurt so just went and got changed into something else.

The difference here though, is my DH realised he had hurt me, whether he meant what he said or not and he apologised to me. He didn't make me feel like I was being oversensitive (which I was a bit) and gave me a hug and a kiss.

Your partner should be doing the same, not turning it around on you.

Does he care for the children?
Do any housework?
Spend loads of time doing thing he wants to to do when you don't get to?

I would guess what kind of a bloke says that sort of thing and it isn't the caring sort

Presumably he would not have been nasty like this when you were first dating? Why is he no longer ‘making an effort’ to be a kind, loving guy? Did his kindness depend on how you looked?

What a hideous thing to say. When my kids were tiny I felt lucky if I managed the have more than ten minutes to wash and dress, let alone 'make the effort'.

And as for you not being able to laugh and joke with him ... the thing about jokes is that they have to be actually funny. What he said was just cruel.

How awful to speak to you like that.

I would be inclined to deposit your child on his lap when you get home, telling him you are just going to freshen yourself up. Have a long soak in the bath, wash, dry and style hair, and put on a pretty outfit and full face of make up.

When you go downstairs, do a twirl so he can appreciate the effort you've made, tell him to enjoy his evening, you are going out. It doesn't matter if you go to the cinema or sit in a pub or cafe or even the car with a book all evening.

I wouldn't be with someone who spoke to me like that but if you think you need to be, at least make a stand.

Sorry OP didn't mean to be rude. I just know how it can be sometimes.

Oh - and when I had a toddler and a baby I think I wore the same tracksuit for six months and my hair was scraped into a band where it stayed practically until the kids went to school!

Tell him that when he carefully blow dries his hair, does a full face of make up, moisturises his whole body, shaves his pits, bikini and legs...you’ll do the same.

Does he realise you’re not some accessory on his arm?

Twat.