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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the woman who gave birth to me

47 replies

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 10:06

I can't say mother because she doesn't deserve that title!!

She is a doting gm to all my siblings children just not mine. For example on my DDs birthday she didn't even get her so much as a card but took my niece out shopping for the day with a fancy lunch and a sleepover at her house on the day of my DDs birthday.

She complains if my DDs eat or drink anything in her house but all other grandkids have free reign on the fridge. It just makes me so fuckin cross. I've went nc with her before but my dcs missed my df so I've just kind of ignored her in their house.

I really want to have it out with her but it would cause world war 3 and because none of my siblings have the same problems with her I'll come off the worse. Any ideas anyone???

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 28/04/2018 10:09

I'd stop them going if they are upset. Df welcome to come you without her.

What's her problem? Does she get a kick out of hurting you? Sad

Original poster
HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 10:11

Df has mobility problems so can't come here. I really don't know what her problem with me is. It was the same when I was a child

OP posts:
Takeoutyourhen · 28/04/2018 10:12

No advice really but I feel ambivalent towards my mother. I can't put my finger on it exactly. She's a very difficult person for me to get along with, with narcissistic tendencies.
Head over to The Stately Homes thread, you'll receive advice there.

leighdinglady · 28/04/2018 10:17

Why aren't your siblings Helping? I've gone NC with my dad (or rather, he has with me) because I told him he was treating my sister like shit

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2018 10:17

IT is time to go nc with her, behaviour I very abusive, they probably have picked up that are treated not very well in comparison to their cousins. It is for the greater good. Nasty toxic woman.

Birdsgottafly · 28/04/2018 10:19

Does your DF not stick up for you, did he not get your DD a card?

My Mum was a true Narcissist. I coped by challenging her on everything. I made it clear to other Family members that I needed to do that for my own MH.

Can you not speak to your Siblings?

If not, make sure you are honest with your children. Agree that your Mother is a cruel person, never minimise or excuse. Let it be about her and not them, to protect their self esteem.

Original poster
HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 10:21

My siblings do notice and have spoken up but her mantra is 'I always treat them all equally'. My DD is really noticing now and it has affected her attitude towards her - she is really really check to her. On one hand I think good for u DD for taking no shit but on the other I think I shouldn't be encouraging DDs bad behaviour no matter how warranted it is

OP posts:
Original poster
HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 10:21

*really cheeky

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 28/04/2018 10:29

I really want to have it out with her but it would cause world war 3 and because none of my siblings have the same problems with her I'll come off the worse. Any ideas anyone???

From what you've said, she is showing clear favouritism to the other DGC and excluding your DD, which is unfair and cruel. On that basis, you are justified in needing to sort the matter out with her, because longer term your DD will notice if she doesn't already.

You haven't given any clues as to any back story, I expect there must be one. If it's a catalogue of bad behaviour targeted at you from the year dot, it would be best to distance yourself completely to protect DD, just get this woman out of your life, especially if you think it will never improve.

If you know it's due to a specific falling-out, and you think she would be receptive to you highlighting that it's affecting you, and possibly your DD in the future, try talking calmly and factually (rather than "having it out" confrontationally - which could have the wrong effect as she'll close down on you).

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 28/04/2018 10:33

I was my mother's least favourite of 3. You are right when you say because none of my siblings have the same problems with her I'll come off the worse which I learnt the hard way.

daisychain01 · 28/04/2018 10:34

Sorry most of my post is now a xpost as I typed too slowly Smile

So there is a back story and your DD has noticed.

Become so busy with happy activities with your DD that you don't have time for her. Ever.

Don't invest - she's not invested in you! Her.loss.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 28/04/2018 10:38

Sorry posted too soon.
I mean I tried to discuss it with her but it just made things worse - she also believed she treated everyone equally. One of my siblings sided with her 100%, refusing to acknowledge any of it was true, and the other was I think more sympathetic but said very little because he did not want to take sides at all, which is understandable.

StringandGlitter · 28/04/2018 10:40

I’m sorry to say but your DF is not as nice as you think he is. He’s not standing up for you or your DD. Often when you go no contact with a bully, the enabler does everything in their power to get you (the scapegoat) back in line. This is because without the scapegoat taking all the crap the enable or gets it all.

Your DD can Skype with your DF if you want her to continue to have a relationship with him. But seeing you and her ignored by ‘gran’ is damaging to her emotionally. She’ll grow up wondering why she isn’t good enough. Just stop going over there. If your DF wants a relationship with her use technology. (But make sure he doesn’t use it to guilt her into going over and being mistreated).

If your siblings give you grief about going NC, then you can be sure they’re worried about being next in line to be the scapegoat.
Anyone say, ‘that’s just how she is’ , gets the response, ‘Well I’m done with it, that’s just how I am’.

GnotherGnu · 28/04/2018 10:41

If she claims to your siblings that she treats all the grandchildren equally, do they challenge her with the facts?

Did the parents of your niece notice that she chose your daughter's birthday to take the niece out, and did they say anything about that?

darkriver198868 · 28/04/2018 10:41

I have no love for my mother. I put squarely most of my problems at her feet and she refuses to acknowledge them. I recently learnt she didnt take me to hospital appointments as a child which considering I have a serious heart defect was borderlining on neglect.

There are million other reasons as well. Taking my stepfathers side after I revealed the prolific sexual abuse I suffered has been the tip of the massive iceburg.

Marmitesoldiers · 28/04/2018 10:47

Flowers darkriver I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I agree the enabler(s) is as much at fault as the perpetrator.

I couldn’t let my children go through this scapegoating. It will harm their self esteem in the long run.

GreyGardens88 · 28/04/2018 10:58

2 sides to every story..she cant hate you for no reason

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/04/2018 11:04

2 sides to every story..she cant hate you for no reason
Fuck off. Even if that was true, there is no excuse for taking it out on a young child.

Alwayslumpyporridge · 28/04/2018 11:09

Be passive aggressive and take packed lunches, snacks etc and tell the DC that they don’t eat at their grand parents? They won’t know any different.

I understand that you want to see your DF, does your mum ever go out? Can you go around then?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2018 11:15

@GreyGardens88
So what’s your excuse for the children Confused

Op my situation is different. My brother is golden child. I am the scapegoat. My mother is less obvious with the grandchildren and is a far better grandmother than she ever was mother. However, my brother and sil treat their child as if he could walk on water and have repeatedly been horrible to my dd.

Pps have given insight into your father’s motives for letting the situation happen with you and now your children. He may be old and not able to do anything now. However, he was once young. He isn’t blameless.

My father died when I was a child. My mother remarried. I once tried to stick up for her husband. I never did that again. He denied everything even though I’d just witnessed the interaction. He never stuck up for me either, I’m sure. He was a gentle but weak man. My father wasn’t even aware of how my mother treated me. He was never there and he, too, was part of the problem.

You need to protect your children. That means taking them away from the situation. My mother tried to tell me that my dd had bullied her golden child son - dd being 7 at the time and brother mid 40’s. She threatened to smack my dd. I gave her very very short shrift and we didn’t speak for a few months. With your mother, the situation sounds far worse and only no contact seems an option to me.

We are nc with brother and sil. It was the only way to protect me from physical harm from my brother and dd from emotional abuse.

Sadsnake · 28/04/2018 11:22

Why are your siblings allowing this? If it's as bad as you say they would notice...if they love your dd they will speek up...

Sadsnake · 28/04/2018 11:26

Why does your dd allow it? ..wait for a big get together and bring it up in front of everyone with examples you have written down so she can't wriggle out of it...don't stand for this shit..it will effect yr ds mental health..challenge it and say it stops or you go none contact

Sadsnake · 28/04/2018 11:29

Ahhh ..why does your dad allow it,not dd, stupid autocorrect

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 28/04/2018 11:39

its a difficult situation but if my dc were noticing I would go nc, this sort of thing can be very damaging to self esteem, at some point it will become very obvious to your dc that they are treated very differently to their cousins, that is totally unacceptable.

charlestonchaplin · 28/04/2018 11:57

If I had such a bad relationship with someone, I wouldn't expect them to take an interest in my child. In fact if they did I would be suspicious of their motives, and it just wouldn't strike me as a good idea for my child to spend time with them.

Whatever your issues with your mother you need to drop this idea that she should have unconditional love for your children, or that she owes them in some way. Actually, what you need to do is fade her out emotionally. Try to let what she does and with whom be background information that doesn't bother you because she isn't a part of your life. If you try to actively have that state of mind you will find that in time it becomes your actual state of mind.

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