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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the woman who gave birth to me

47 replies

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 10:06

I can't say mother because she doesn't deserve that title!!

She is a doting gm to all my siblings children just not mine. For example on my DDs birthday she didn't even get her so much as a card but took my niece out shopping for the day with a fancy lunch and a sleepover at her house on the day of my DDs birthday.

She complains if my DDs eat or drink anything in her house but all other grandkids have free reign on the fridge. It just makes me so fuckin cross. I've went nc with her before but my dcs missed my df so I've just kind of ignored her in their house.

I really want to have it out with her but it would cause world war 3 and because none of my siblings have the same problems with her I'll come off the worse. Any ideas anyone???

OP posts:

Original poster

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 12:05

Thanks for all your replies. My df is old and to a point he just wants a quiet life. But I understand he is not blameless. He treats my DD exactly the same as his other grandchildren but he never stands up to my mother.

My DD is starting to show signs of low self esteem and it breaks my heart. I don't know if it's to do with my mother or her relationship with her own df (that would be a whole other thread).

OP posts:

The80sweregreat · 28/04/2018 12:08

No point you taking the children over there. I would go on my own ( if I could and childcare could be arranged etc) and keep it brief. She would be the one missing out. She sounds awful.

Jamiefraserskilt · 28/04/2018 12:08

I would be tempted to visit at the same time as the siblings. When their kids raid the fridge and yours does too, wait for the comment and then they will see. If it doesn't come then do it again and again. It will drive her spare. Also mention the birthday thing at the right time. " lovely dn sounds like a wonderful time. DD didn't get a card or present from gran and grandad this year. Why was that again, Grandma?" Let her wriggle out of that one!

Angrybird345 · 28/04/2018 12:09

You really need to stop taking your dc there. If needs must, you pop in on your own to see your dog but sod her, she’s nasty.

Angrybird345 · 28/04/2018 12:10

*df not dog!

Original poster

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 12:11

@The80sweregreat I have no childcare unfortunately and I don't want my dc to miss out on spending time with their dgf. I think the only way to go with her is just ignore and call her out on her atrocious attitude. Easier said than done tho

OP posts:

HonkyWonkWoman · 28/04/2018 12:12

I wouldn't leave my kids alone with this woman if you paid me!
Evil witch!

Original poster

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 12:12

@Jamiefraserskilt lol that really would drive her mental

OP posts:

Original poster

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 12:13

@HonkyWonkWoman I never leave them alone with her. She's bad enough when I'm there so I wouldn't like to imagine what she'd do when I'm not there

OP posts:

QueenofSerene · 28/04/2018 12:22

I'd go NC in this situation, kids pick up on this kind of animosity especially when they're being treated differently, and it's not a nice feeling.

My grandmother, for some ridiculous reason hated men (despite her having a son), so she would be horrible to my brothers to the extent that my parents only ever sent me to her for school holidays (because we had a good relationship, I was a girl so I was treated like royalty and spoilt completely) but now as an adult I can see the toll that took on my brothers as they were older than me at the time and clearly realised they were excluded. My aunts were also constantly badmouthing my mother, didn't matter what I did, I could be helping them hang out washing and I'd get scolded 'Who taught you how to hang washing? Must've been your mother, this is rubbish..' (it's fucking laundry ffs!) and it wore me down over the years. I loved my grandmother but once she died, and I grew up, I realised how nasty a person she was and it tainted a lot of my memories.

I wish my folks had just said to them to sod off and not be involved in our lives.

Original poster

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 12:25

@GreyGardens88 so even if I was the devil child and made her life hell when I was growing up (I didn't but wish I had) what possible excuse could there be for an "adult" to take any of it out on my child!!!!

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Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2018 12:32

There is no excuse to treat children like this, it is worrying that yiur chikdren are noticing and being affected by it. You either need to call her out on it, and have it out with her, or go go nc, not after you telling her why. Either way, you cannot bury your head in the sand as it will get worse for your DC. Time to pull yiur big girl pants and tackle this.

Gilead · 28/04/2018 12:41

2 sides to every story..she cant hate you for no reason
Yeah, my mother hates me because I was born.
FFS, you have no clue. My mother has a diagnosis of NPD. My birth interfered with her attention seeking.

Ledkr · 28/04/2018 12:42

Op my mum is similar although hides it well.

My sisters are her children from a second marriage and she treats them completely differently. Calls them "the girls" as if I don't matter.

She never comes to my house but will get two busses to see them.

I've had major surgery many times in my life and she's not been near me apart from a few years ago when she offered to come and help me. I was delighted but then she cancelled becuase my other sister was "tired" so went off to help her.

No advice just tonnes of sympathy.

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/04/2018 12:45

My GM hated my DM. GM didn't want any more children and it was long before terminations were legal, so she was stuck with a pregnancy she didn't want. Made no secret of it either, destroyed my DM in the process.

But as an adult, I can look at GM and comprehend having to have endless children was no picnic either.

There's always a root cause if you look for it, even if the perpetrator hasn't acknowledged the reason.

Original poster

HeardItAll · 28/04/2018 12:48

@NewYearNewMe18 I've tried and tried but I just can't think why she is like this with me and dcs. I'm not saying I'm in any way perfect but nothing I've done seems to warrant her attitude to us

OP posts:

category12 · 28/04/2018 12:50

You're basically the black sheep of the family - I would stop contact. In the long run, your dd will be better off without this dynamic in her life.

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/04/2018 12:50

My mother has a diagnosis of NPD. My birth interfered with her attention seeking.

NPD is a bone fide mental disorder. You can no more help having NPD than BPD or psychosis or schizophrenia

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/04/2018 12:53

Do you think, perhaps you are the child of an affair? Or perhaps your DF had an affair and you were the 'Elastoplast' baby designed to stick everything back together ? Or that she had PND, undiagnosed and untreated? Did she lose a baby?

maddening · 28/04/2018 12:55

Speak to siblings and tell them to observe her behaviour so they see for themselves. Tell them how upset it makes you.

DistanceCall · 28/04/2018 13:22

NPD is a bone fide mental disorder. You can no more help having NPD than BPD or psychosis or schizophrenia

Perhaps. The thing is, even if you have a mental disorder, you CAN do something about it. Like at least acknowledge it and find help.

OP, from what you say your DD is already suffering from self-esteem issues due to her relationship with her father. You're compounding it by allowing your family to mistreat her.

Stop it. Your daughter shouldn't have to put up with this crap.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/04/2018 18:28

Or op is seen as a scape goat character in her family, whereas sister is the golden child. Certainly seems like that here. Put a stop to it now Heardit.

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