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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH’s long lost friend wants to stay

45 replies

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:02

Back story, DH has a friend from his teens/early twenties when his life was very different, living a carefree, party style life. This friend moved abroad almost 20 years ago and has led a very different life from DH in that period, and from Facebook, doesn’t actually seem to have changed much (still clubbing, single, parents bailing him out). In contrast DH’s life is very different; house, family, job, holidays, a few drinks at the weekend.

This friend can be oblivious to the fact that people’s lives change, and thinks everything else can just pick up in exactly the same place as when he was last there. This was fine when he was the other side of the world, but now he’s back.... he’s now inviting himself over to spend some time with us. How do we put him off nicely? DH would like to catch up with him again, but for a couple of hours in a local pub, not being trapped with him in our town, where he knows no one else (he lives around 3 hours away). Are we being unreasonable to not embrace a reunion? WWYD - we don’t want to seem like we’re being mean... Maybe we’ll just keep putting him off by being busy?

OP posts:

Drivendementedd · 27/04/2018 19:09

I would say something along the lines of how you don’t have the space/that you have a lot going on atm with work commitments/wife wouldn’t be too happy if he was reverting back to his old days 😜whatever but that hed love to catch up with him over a coffee/quiet drink when it’s suitable for both of you. ( then have plans so he can’t stay over)

SomeKnobend · 27/04/2018 19:20

Say you don't invite guests to stay overnight since having kids. Or just no. Who the fuck invites themselves to someone's house anyway, let alone to stay over?

Original poster

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:27

Our first message back was no dogs in our house (which is true), hoping that would put him off, but his response was he’d stay somewhere close by so we can all do stuff together!
I’m going to have lots of busy weekends lined up, but he’ll probably just turn up anyway!

OP posts:

Isetan · 27/04/2018 19:34

I don’t understand the ‘we’, surely it’s for your DH to just say no. The only reason I can see why you’re involved is that you don’t trust your DH to handle it alone.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 19:37

Are you concerned you dh may think his mate has a better life?...
Surely you would expect /hope he would welcome an old pal of yours? Its both your home, is it not nice to be hospitable?

adaline · 27/04/2018 19:37

I'm confused - he's DH's friend - surely it's upto your husband what he does?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 27/04/2018 19:40

Surely it is up to your DH?

My DH has had friends like this over every once in a blue moon, be open-minded, it could be fun to mix with someone with a totally different outlook

FASH84 · 27/04/2018 19:41

This seems a bit mean spirited he just wants to catch up with an old friend for a couple of days and has said he'll stay somewhere else. What's the issue?

Original poster

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:41

Well I did know him too, and essentially DH and I tend to make most decisions together, hence the we. DH won’t just say no - he’d quite like a catch up with him, just not an intense weekend!

OP posts:

captainbizz · 27/04/2018 19:42

I'm also of the thought that you sound a bit too 'we'. Surely you can let your DH friend stay a couple of days... you don't need to be involved??
Or am i misunderstanding ?

Queenoftheblitz · 27/04/2018 19:43

I'd invite him for a night/weekend but make it clear your town isn't party central.
This mate may actually fancy some quiet time with your dp -even party animals like some downtime.
You two come across as a bit rude and assuming.

Original poster

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:44

Maybe I am being a bit mean, I think we’d probably just prefer to see where he’s at first rather than the full few days, especially as he have kids. DH definitely feels the same on this one. Maybe we can see if we can coordinate visiting family in our home town, that might be a bit easier...

OP posts:

Pfftlife · 27/04/2018 19:49

I'm sure you'll survive the party animal for a weekend

Original poster

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:49

There are other things too, he seems to still smoke (not tobacco), DH hasn’t smoked since that time, it’s not really something I want my kids to be exposed to. He probably won’t get that my husband has different views to those he had in his twenties.

OP posts:

MsJudgemental · 27/04/2018 19:52

I doubt very much that he’ll be rolling a spliff in front of your kids.

Original poster

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:57

Msjudgemental - Maybe not, but I wouldn’t want it in my house, and given we haven’t seen him for 15 years we don’t know whether he would or not.

OP posts:

kubex · 27/04/2018 19:59

You sound very judgy and quite controlling, to be honest.

And all this 'we' talk is a bit cringe!

Your DH's friend wants to catch up with him for a couple of days - and he's not even staying with you. No one is making you hang out with him, let your DH go and have fun!

Queenoftheblitz · 27/04/2018 19:59

Your mate probably has changed a bit in 20 years. Living abroad means he's probably got a few tales to tell and he's gonna be used to hiding his spliffs from children.

Invite him for the weekend and if he's a pain, don't invite him again.

JaniceBattersby · 27/04/2018 20:10

I don’t think it’s a massive imposition for him to book somewhere close by for a weekend so he can have a bit of extended time with his Kate who he hasn’t seen for years, is it?

Your kids might learn a thing or two and if he tries to smoke, just ask him to go outside.

ParisUSM · 27/04/2018 20:10

Don't get this, if he's staying in a hotel why can't your DH meet up with him somewhere? Why does he have to be in your house? Maybe he does't particularly want to spend time with you or your kids, and just wants to meet up with him in a pub?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 20:13

Being married doesn't lose you the right to make your own decisions. He isn't a teen that you need to monitor his friendships!!

adaline · 27/04/2018 20:15

It all sounds very claustrophobic - always making decisions together and all this "we" talk.

DP and I are a team too, but if he wanted to go out with his mate for a weekend I'd wave him off and enjoy having the sofa and bed to myself!

He's your DH's friend - it's not really anything to do with you if they want a catch up, surely? Let him make the arrangements - I'm not quite sure why you're so involved?

Dancingmonkey87 · 27/04/2018 20:20

Could you imagine if a man had wrote this and his dw childhood friend came to visit and was staying else where whilst up in the area. The op would be calling controlling and abusive.Are you this controlling in every aspect of your dh lives?. Surely he’s a grown man and is allowed out to see his childhood friend.

Pumpkintopf · 27/04/2018 20:20

I do think you're coming across as wanting him to pass your evaluation before allowing him into your lives - why can't your DH just meet up with him and decide from there. If you don't want him to meet your kids etc, let DH go out for an evening with him.

Namechangedname · 27/04/2018 20:24

What ParisUSM said.

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