Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s long lost friend wants to stay

45 replies

randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 19:02

Back story, DH has a friend from his teens/early twenties when his life was very different, living a carefree, party style life. This friend moved abroad almost 20 years ago and has led a very different life from DH in that period, and from Facebook, doesn’t actually seem to have changed much (still clubbing, single, parents bailing him out). In contrast DH’s life is very different; house, family, job, holidays, a few drinks at the weekend.

This friend can be oblivious to the fact that people’s lives change, and thinks everything else can just pick up in exactly the same place as when he was last there. This was fine when he was the other side of the world, but now he’s back.... he’s now inviting himself over to spend some time with us. How do we put him off nicely? DH would like to catch up with him again, but for a couple of hours in a local pub, not being trapped with him in our town, where he knows no one else (he lives around 3 hours away). Are we being unreasonable to not embrace a reunion? WWYD - we don’t want to seem like we’re being mean... Maybe we’ll just keep putting him off by being busy?

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 27/04/2018 20:24

To be fair, op has said her dp feels the same as her.
Op maybe you and dp have got a bit caught up in your family bubble and this guy doesn't fit into your view of it.
It's easily done but I would urge you to go off piste every now and then. Things can get a bit dull otherwise.

captainbizz · 27/04/2018 20:25

Do u not want him to come because you're worried DH might remember how fun it used to be to be a single, spliff smoking gadabout? Grin ahhh let him have a weekend with his buddy!

Chickychoccyegg · 27/04/2018 20:25

Don't think it would be much fun for him hanging out with your kids?
Surely if he stays a couple of nights in a hotel, meets up just with your dh, and maybe you could all do something together the 2nd night , seriously doubt he's wanting to go crazy partying /smoking etc think you're looking too much into it

Aprilmightbemynewname · 27/04/2018 20:26

Her dh is prob too worried about being enthusiastic for fear of a telling off!

gillybeanz · 27/04/2018 20:27

You sound like Thelma from "The Likely Lads" she was portrayed as suffering her dh's similar friend. Grin
You have to let your dh see the changes himself and trust him.

SkaPunkPrincess · 27/04/2018 20:28

YANBU op, The only 'guest' I can bear in my house overnight is my MIL and that's only because she visits from the other side of the world!

I don't do people staying in my house. It's stressful and I like my own space day to day.

Just ask DH to ask him to stay elsewhere if he wants to come for the weekend. If he won't he can't want to see your DH that badly.

Original poster
randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 20:29

This is also DH’s evaluation of him too, and my opinion has probably more been shaped by DH than the other way round. DH arranged to meet him a couple of years ago when he was back in the country but he was running 5 hours late as he needed to get some supplies on his way to see him through the trip, therefor DH missed him. He is allowed to see his childhood friend, and DH thinks an evening out would be good, but not here!

OP posts:
adaline · 27/04/2018 20:31

But that's for him to decide and organise on his own! You're coming across as massively over-involved in their friendship.

He's a grown up and can make his own decisions. Maybe he wants to go out and enjoy himself but just doesn't want to tell you that because he knows you'll disapprove?

That's the vibe I'm getting from your posts tbh.

Dancingmonkey87 · 27/04/2018 20:33

A lot of people are getting the same vibe adaline it’s just not normal behaviour I would met up with old friends without consulting with dh if I could go and vice Verda.

LolitaLempicka · 27/04/2018 20:35

Just go for it. Your life sounds so mind-numbingly boring, he won’t be back again!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 27/04/2018 20:36

I don't really understand your problem with this guy. He's happy to stay elsewhere, so would it really be a big ask for your husband to catch up with him in the pub, then bring him home for a meal (or you could go out to meet them), then maybe something with your family on the Sunday?

He's been away for 20 years so he obviously wants to reconnect with his old friends. And since he lives 3 hours away, he can hardly become a pest. Live a little, you might have fun.

cansu · 27/04/2018 20:38

It all sounds very OTT. If your dh wants to see him then let him. You don't have to be involved, you've already made it clear he is going to be staying elsewhere. I think you need to chill out a bit. Having a house and kids doesn't mean you can't meet up and enjoy meeting an old friend. Surely the worse that can happen is a boozy meal at yours or a late night out for your dh. How is that so terrible?? If you feel v strongly about smoking ask him to smoke in garden.

adaline · 27/04/2018 20:39

I can't imagine being in a relationship where I could never make autonomous decisions about my friendships - it all sounds incredibly stifling.

Original poster
randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 20:40

Definitely lots to think about and take on board, I’ll let DH decide what he wants when friend starts to make plans, and support whatever he decides, without influence.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 27/04/2018 20:43

Actually reading your last post I am wondering whether your DH may not want his friend to see his current house/life? Sometimes people slightly misrepresent themselves long distance.

Nanna50 · 27/04/2018 20:57

I understand, this happened to me with a friend who lived abroad for about 20 years, although there was no we, it was my friend, my problem. She stayed a couple of separate weekends but was still as immature as ever and she was exhausting. I’m sorry to say I just gave reasons not to meet up and eventually took longer to reply to her and eventually stopped answering her calls. We did get back in touch on social media but no meet ups.

So no helpful advice, because I just wimped out.

InspMorse · 27/04/2018 21:07

'He is allowed to see his childhood friend'

I’ll let DH decide what he wants

Hmm 'He's allowed' and 'I'll let' ? OP... he's under your thumb alright!
Original poster
randomthoughts · 27/04/2018 21:33

By ‘i’ll let’ I meant DH can decide i.e. it’s his choice and I’ll leave the decision to him, not that I give him permission to. Sorry for my misuse of English, the he’s allowed was in response to the number of posts saying I was not allowing DH to see his friend.

I have taken a number of the posts here on board and think the fact that this actually started with DH telling me he didn’t want the friend here for a full weekend (which we then discussed, hence the ‘we’) seems to have been lost. We both associated with this friend, just not as a couple and DH more so than I did.
Thanks for the contributions - I’ll try to phrase things in a better way on any subsequent threads, English was never my strong point!

OP posts:
StripStripHooray · 27/04/2018 21:43

I get you. Yanbu. I won't have DHs old mates from a different life in our house mind, he wouldn't either and especially not in front of any kids. I'm not controlling, they're just not coming staying in my house Grin

Juiceylucy09 · 27/04/2018 21:50

Do you not want the locals to see him.

Can you DH meet for maybe one overnight if it is not convenient. It seems mean to avoid him with excuses.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread