To not want DP to take this job?

[sharkirasharkira]

Arrg, life giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other..

Dp has an opportunity to take a job, its a fixed contract and comes with a load of benefits including a very good salary which could really set us up for life. Due to a combination of cocklodging ex partners, bad luck and poor financial decisions, I seriously doubt if we (particularly me) will ever me eligible for a mortgage in the future. With this job we could actually afford to buy somewhere and it could be a real investment in our future.

But. It's abroad and he will be away for up to a year.

I have virtually no friends, and no family in this area. Only a few of Dp's close family and friends. I will be almost completely alone here without him In all honesty, I think I'm too needy to be without him for such a long period of time, I've always hated the idea of being in a long distance relationship because I need that close contact with my significant other. Without it I think I will be very depressed.

Tbh I think I'll also be super jealous. The country the contract is in is somewhere I have always wanted to visit but apparently due to the nature of the work I won't be able to go with him. The idea of him having fun out there while I'm stuck here all alone is crushing me.

He says he would be doing it for us, so that we can pay for a beautiful wedding and a house for our long term future. I just think it's too much of a sacrifice and not a price I'm willing to pay. But I also don't want to hold him back! Will he hate me if I stop him from doing it? Wibu to tell/ask him not to take the job? Aibu to not let him do this temporarily so that we can have a better life in the future?

I'm just feel so gutted right now at the thought.

I still have a lot of questions about the job that need answers, which at the moment he isn't able to give so that isn't helping. I would need clarification if we/he were to proceed but as far as I know, the 'site' where he would be working comes with accomodation but a 'non employee' (which I would be) is not allowed to stay there, hence I can't go with (supposedly).

I know I am quite needy and dependant. I don't want to be but its very hard where we live. I love a lot of things about the place, but it is quite rural so there is very little in the way of evening clubs/hobbies/classes I can join. Most stuff is at least an hour's travel from me.

Believe me, I have tried and tried and tried to make friends but its just not happening. We don't have DC's (and don't want any) so I can't make any 'mum' friends. I tried making friends through uni, through my work but they are friendly while I'm there and then lose interest when I change jobs. Only others are acquaintances who only see me when they want a group to go out with.

I just finished a degree last year so I really don't want to get into any more study, and therefore more debt.

I work long hours, every weekend and most evenings so I can't do evening stuff (except on days off). It does make it more difficult to get into 'things' and make friends when you are always working when everyone else is off work and visa versa.

I don't want him to miss this chance because of me, I don't want him to resent me. But then I think I might resent him if he does go, because he will know how lonely and miserable I will be.

I guess it depends on how committed you both are to your relationship and to your future together. One year apart with significant benefits to his career and your joint future doesn't sound insurmountable as long as it's for your futures. There is Skype and I'm sure that you would have holiday opportunities to meet in person. If you are worried about a one year contract becoming 2 years then you need to discuss different scenarios.

Could you move somewhere closer to the activities you'd like to do so you aren't so isolated before he goes?
Presumably this year abroad would be a good deposit rather than an outright purchase?
I agree marriage before he goes would be good even if it's a registry office quickie to cover off insurances etc. If it is Middle East then it would be useful if you do visit.

My concern is your absence of life ('lonely and miserable') without your DP - it seems to be imposing a huge burden on him.

I appreciate you left London because of the expense - but is there any chance you can move to somewhere which isn't so remote - ie so you can start to build a life with friends and activities while DP is away and make that your permanent home for when DP returns. Otherwise, yes, it's all a bit shit

Move.

If he wants to take the job, encourage him to take it for the year, and then move yourself. You can live anywhere you want while he's away. Move someplace where you can do your job and do other things.

Tell him you dont' want to be so rural when he gets back.

We've discussed the possibility of moving many times, before this was ever an issue. He doesn't want to. He has friends here, and it's close to his family. He isn't much of a people person and I think quite likes the fact it's just me & him. He could happily live in a cabin in the woods and be happy but I need human interaction or I get really depressed

Oh, sharkira - I think the long term issue is you living in horrible rural isolation and your DP’a unwillingness to move

It's not fair to expect you to live somewhere he likes but you don't while he's away though. It sounds like you've compromised already and it isn't really working for you before you even consider this job. If he can't bear moving an hour away, why is he considering moving to another country?

I've done long distance pre kids. But we saw each other at weekends, (perhaps it was medium distance). It sucked. You know you aren't up for this, so trust your feelings.
Also move house if you want!

If he's away for 1 year, then that's the time to move to where you'd be happier. He can't dictate that you stay put while he doesn't even live there for 12 months!

You say that you'll resent him if he goes. He'll resent you if you stop him from going. So one if you needs to compromise. Surely it's best that you let him go and reap the financial reward at the end of the contract?

While he's away, you need to find friends and interests. A pet, a hobby, volunteering, gym etc? All of which could be flexible to fit in with your work.

I think you'll regret it if you tell him no.

If he's going to go abroad for a year, then I would move - even temporarily, to be closer to your family and friends. It's all well and good him wanting to be close to his family, but he can't dictate that you stay when he's happy enough to disappear abroad and leave you behind.

In the long term, is there anywhere you can go which is more in between? So maybe a bit more urban (for you) but still not too far away from where you currently live?

I wouldn't stop him going, but I also wouldn't put my life on hold waiting for him to come back. If you're not happy where you are, move somewhere else. If he's not willing to compromise, maybe it's not a relationship worth pursuing anyway.

Good luck

It does sound like the break will do you both good. He very likely needs a break as having somebody over reliant on you is awfully draining and you need to be able to live and function alone.

I think there’s a compromise here. He goes away for a year. You move somewhere less rural whilst he is away, and then buy a house in the same place upon his return.

It’s not reasonable to expect him to pass over an opportunity that could set you up with a house; it’s not reasonable for him to expect you to live in the arse end of nowhere just because that’s where his family are.

Sorry yes you are being unreasonable.
My husband is about to go o/s for work for 2 years!! The longest he's been gone before is 6months.
You need to find a hobby, read, cook, find friends, skype him every night and support him trying to do what's best financially for you both.