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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP to take this job?

64 replies

sharkirasharkira · 27/04/2018 09:59

Arrg, life giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other..

Dp has an opportunity to take a job, its a fixed contract and comes with a load of benefits including a very good salary which could really set us up for life. Due to a combination of cocklodging ex partners, bad luck and poor financial decisions, I seriously doubt if we (particularly me) will ever me eligible for a mortgage in the future. With this job we could actually afford to buy somewhere and it could be a real investment in our future.

But. It's abroad and he will be away for up to a year.

I have virtually no friends, and no family in this area. Only a few of Dp's close family and friends. I will be almost completely alone here without him Sad In all honesty, I think I'm too needy to be without him for such a long period of time, I've always hated the idea of being in a long distance relationship because I need that close contact with my significant other. Without it I think I will be very depressed.

Tbh I think I'll also be super jealous. The country the contract is in is somewhere I have always wanted to visit but apparently due to the nature of the work I won't be able to go with him. The idea of him having fun out there while I'm stuck here all alone is crushing me.

He says he would be doing it for us, so that we can pay for a beautiful wedding and a house for our long term future. I just think it's too much of a sacrifice and not a price I'm willing to pay. But I also don't want to hold him back! Will he hate me if I stop him from doing it? Wibu to tell/ask him not to take the job? Aibu to not let him do this temporarily so that we can have a better life in the future?

I'm just feel so gutted right now at the thought.

OP posts:
TheABC · 27/04/2018 10:23

My dad used to do tours away (army). Admittedly mum still had us in the evenings (2 kids), but she used the time alone for herself. Think visits to family, night classes,crafts, weekends away - she even did an OU degree!

It seems that you are not worried about your DH, but your own situation - and that's something you can directly improve. For example, I understand that you don't want to move back to London, but you can arrange a few trips down there for museums, theatre or whatever you fancy.Would your family be happy to accommodate you for the weekend? That makes it both cheap and pleasurable.

Next, you worry about loneliness as you have few friends. Well, with no DH, you have no excuse to stay at home in the evening. Get out! Book a dance class, volunteer for an activity, sign up to learn something you have always wanted to do.

Another option is to use the internet. Start a blog, teach yourself a language or build a side hustle such as an etsy shop or selling online. We live in the information age and the resources at your fingertips are limitless.

Finally, treat your evenings off as a gift. Hog the remote, waft around in loungwear, get some really nice bubble bath and invest in crisp cotton sheets. Take care of yourself, Skype your DH regularly and save up to visit him at least once, if you can.

You can do this! Operation Happy starts today.

lubeybooby · 27/04/2018 10:24

Sorry OP but come on... time to pull up your woman pants and make an effort, a proper, real effort - to enrich your life with things you love to keep you occupied while he's away. You can do it if you try and it will be so worth it

amusedbush · 27/04/2018 10:26

A year will be over in no time at all and think of the money at the end of it. I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Mightymucks · 27/04/2018 10:29

If it’s that much money quit your job and go with him. You could have a quiet legal wedding to get spouse rights for travel then a big party or blessing when you are back.

Euphrasia · 27/04/2018 10:29

If he doesn't go, I think you still need to work on your own life and getting friends etc. To be so reliant on another person isn't good for either of you.

aaarrrggghhhh · 27/04/2018 10:29

You would be sooooo unreasonable to expect him to give up this opportunity so you can use him to effectively mange your own issues. You need to sort your neediness. Perfect opportunity for this. All round sounds like best thing that could happen.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 27/04/2018 10:29

mighty she said right there in the OP that she can't go

LemonScentedStickyBat · 27/04/2018 10:32

I would have felt the same as you when it was just me and DP 15 years ago. Now we have a house, settled life, two dc etc and I can look back and see that it would have been absolutely fine. It honestly will be ok if you love each other and see your future together.

RatherBeRiding · 27/04/2018 10:32

I'm sorry but you would be VERY unreasonable to try to stop him. He's doing it for both of your futures together and - it's a year! The time will pass quicker than you think.

As others have said, use the time to build a life for yourself, find some hobbies, gain some independence. You do sound very, very emotionally dependent on him which isn't necessarily healthy.

EnormousDormouse · 27/04/2018 10:36

I've left DP in the UK while I work abroad for a few years - supposed to be 2 but I'll be here at least 4! There's no way I would have listened if he'd told me I couldn't go - I suppose we would have split up. But he was fine - he's more of a homebody than me anyway and copes fine. I go back in school hols and he comes out for some sun for a couple of weeks in Winter.
Honestly a year will fly Smile

Fatted · 27/04/2018 10:37

I understand where you are coming from, but like others said you're being unreasonable to stop him. A year is nothing. This time alone will be good for you and encourage you to be more independent.

Because I've always worked shifts, DH and I have always been fairly independent. My current work pattern means I hardly see him every other week. I wouldn't have it any other way. We have our own time and interests and then enjoy and make the most of time we have together.

AlpacaBag · 27/04/2018 10:39

I would be concerned that in a few years time you might look back and regret not doing it. A year is a really short time if it will give all the benefits you say it will for the rest of your lives. I think it could be the making of you, you WILL manage, get involved with things and people and just try and think of the bigger picture. Good luck, hope you come to a happy conclusion xx

missperegrinespeculiar · 27/04/2018 10:41

OP, are you very young? it's just that you seem over reliant on your partner, this is not generally a good thing, you need to develop your own life and network, unfortunately one never knows what's round the corner and independence and a capacity for happiness regardless of a partner's presence is important

Of course you would miss him it would be odd if you didn't, but one year will go very quickly

How would you feel if in the future you had a similar opportunity and he tried to stop you?

My only concern would be, are you really sure you CAN'T go with him, what I mean is, are you sure he is not wanting to have fun abroad on his own for a while? that would be a serious worry if so!

LadyGrey66 · 27/04/2018 10:42

Honestly, I think he should do it. It will be hard, but it sounds like an excellent opportunity to really set yourselves up for the future. My husband worked abroad for the whole of last year, and while it was difficult at the time, financially we're now in a position that would have taken years to get to if he hadn't gone, so the sacrifice was worth it.

mostdays · 27/04/2018 10:45

I don't think you would be unreasonable to be totally honest with him and tell him what you've said here. Maybe if he knows your concerns the two of you will be able to come up with a way that makes this work for both of you. Maybe he won't want to go if he understands how difficult the prospect of this is for you. Maybe once you've really, honestly, talked things through with him and made plans together, you won't feel so upset about it.

One thing I would not do is pretend you're perfectly OK with it when you aren't. He thinks the financial rewards would be worth the separation: you think the separation would be too high a price to pay. Neither of you are being unreasonable or 'wrong' to think what you think.

MikeUniformMike · 27/04/2018 10:48

Could you go with him?
As many others have said, you need to build a life of your own. You come across as depending solely on your DP. Get some hobbies, join in social activities, take up some fitness/outdoors activities.
A year is a long time but it's only quite a few days and it will fly by.

PieAndPumpkins · 27/04/2018 10:51

I think you'd be silly to stop him taking the job. Maybe this would be the perfect opportunity for you to do some growing of your own, learn to not be so needy, take up a hobby, make some friends. I'd definitely be sucking it up for that kind of opportunity.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 10:54

I think the benefits outweigh the disadvantages in this particular case. However, be prepared that he may want to stay another year and another. But it's too good an opportunity to miss IMHO.

Viviennemary · 27/04/2018 10:56

Are you married? Because I think in this case it is important.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/04/2018 10:58

Why wouldn't you, think of the mahoosive benefits for your future.
Don't hold him back, a year will fly by.

daisychain01 · 27/04/2018 11:01

Perhaps somewhat off topic, but how will a one year fixed contract for up to a year "set you up for life" and enable you to buy a property? Is he overstating what is on offer? Will he have continuity of employment when he returns home after this assignment. Don't fall into the trap of putting all your joint eggs into this basket, without a plan B to fall back on. I'd say that's something for you to focus on, if you aren't married, you shouldn't place your whole life on hold while he is developing his own career. Make sure your building your own life up as well during his absence.

BuntyII · 27/04/2018 11:03

He would need to marry you first.

waterrat · 27/04/2018 11:03

Hmm. I don't agree with a lot of posters here - I think this sounds a bad idea .Either you go together and have a great adventure - or it's just fun for him but not you - and that's not what committed relationships are about.

How will a one year job pay for a house and wedding? That sounds so unlikely - is it dubai ?? Why would there be enough money for a whole new life? IT sounds implausible.

And who is telling you that you can't go?

chocatoo · 27/04/2018 11:12

I think you should tell him to go and not make him feel bad about it. He might start to resent you if you force him to stay here and miss this great opportunity.
A year will pass really quickly and will give you the opportunity to make a bit more of a life here for yourself and for you as a couple when he returns. It is important to have your own friends! There are tons of things you can join. You could also use the time to study.
There will presumably be Skype etc. It’s not ideal but I honestly think you should encourage him to go.
Sorry to say this but I think you are being a bit selfish.

Dragongirl10 · 27/04/2018 11:22

Op sorry to say l think you really need to be a big girl and encourage him to go.

1 This may be the only opportunity to get a house deposit together, that alone is huge.

2 You have a poor credit rating so are financially unstable, that makes no 1 even more important.

3 Learning to live well and be independent is something everyone should learn to do,
take this year to do an evening course to better your prospects, or take an evening job to contribute to the financial pot/pay off debts you will then be too busy to feel lonely, or take up a hobby you have always wanted to do and really commit time to it.

You seem to be looking to your DH to fulfill you, if you are to sustain a marriage you really need to learn to be resiliant seperately from him, your marriage will become a lot stronger for it.

Do you not realise the massive sacrifices most people make to get a house deposit together, often for a lot longer than a year....you have been given a fantastic opportunity grab it and make it work for you.

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