Ex DH & his girlfriend

[SpringNewStart]

I have name changed recently as was outed in RL following a thread, will probably do the same after this as this will be outing too but really want opinions.

My ex DH & I have been apart for about 8 years & we have an 11 yr old DS. Ex DH & his girlfriend have been together for about 8 years - got together v soon after we split.

Their relationship as been v off & on over the years, he cheated on her at one point which I knew about at the time & she later found out. They only moved in together 6 months ago as he liked living on his own & didn’t want to have to deal with the teenage dramas she was going through with her son.

She is always with him when he comes to pick up our DS & we’ve had a few awkward conversations where she’s been there when we’re discussing a parenting issue & I always feel it’s 2 (them) against 1 (me).

She recently came along to a new school open day as we were looking at senior schools & I felt it was inappropriate as surely our son’s education & choices is something me & his Dad should be involved in?

So, there was a “welcome evening” for parents & kids last night & I gently asked on Wednesday if ex DH would be coming on his own & when he asked why, I said “I find it’s easier to co-parent as a team when it’s just the two of us”.

So yesterday he rings be up, guns blazing, saying she is “part of his family unit” & “she spends as much time with our son as I do” - we share 50/50.

After the row on the phone which I ended by hanging up as I didn’t feel the need to stoop to his level, he ended up not showing up to the parents evening & then I had to drive completely out of my way (20 mins each way) to drop him off at his Dad’s as the agreement was that ex DH would take DS home after it finished.

I am raging - AIBU?

I don't think YABU. The decision is between the pair of you as parents and I think tagging along to choose a new school which is a massive decision for parents anyway is overstepping boundaries. Neither EX or I would bring our partners to school events out of respect for each other as parents.

YANBU, it's wrong that he's trying to make this into a 2 vs 1 thing. You've said you're a step mum yourself, I assume you have a partner or spouse then too, but you don't seem to be doing what he's doing.

His relationship problems are not for you, your son or the school to fix... can't he just buy her some jewellery or something if he wants to make a gesture? He's being really inappropriate and a terrible father to put his relationship above going to parents evening and fetching his son

So shes had 8 years of listening to day to day life of your son. Shes been involved with your son that long (maybe not living with him but still a step mum capacity) shes had her own teens (im assuming in the same area if he has him 50/50) so has knowledge of your son and knowledge of teenagers and even recent knowledge of local schools your looking at. Your throwing a hissy fut because your viewing it as a recent relationship which it isnt. Hell ditch the ex coming take her ahe knows the area and what reputation the local schools have within parental circles. She does now see him as much as you and unless you change that you have no say on it. Rise above your petty shit and look at it for your sons sake not yours

I actually appreciate her coming along, as it was not her son, but she invested time to come and discuss things

Should you discuss things with a non parent?

I believe children cant get enough love. If he has 2 loving step parents then FANTASTIC. You are very lucky he has a loving caring SM.

However she has been doing this "full time" (same 50/50 as you) for only 6 months. If she wanted to come along she should have got her DH to ask you. Its good manners. You're his mother. Just like your EXDH is his father and you're new husband didnt feel the need to come along. She cant just decide to show up when he was 2 perfectly good parents doing that job.

I wouldnt back down OP, if this happened to me I would be pissed off. And then to have "she sees him just as much as you" would tip me over the edge. She hasnt for the last 11 years. She didnt give birth to him and she isnt his mother. She didnt do 2am night feeds or take care of him when he was sick. Boundaries need to be set. If I were you I would possibly arrange a meeting with the 2 of them and explain this. as a mother she must understand that. And if they dont listen I would be petty and drag his stepdad along to everything and make EXHB feel put out.

If he intends it to be permanent, I don't think it matters how long they've been living together
Of course it matters. It's giving someone else access to a child's information.
They have lived together for 6 months.

It's lovely that she is making an effort (and I'd say that's laying the foundations for amicable coparenting in time), but is 24 weeks enough to decide they are going to be Mum2? Not to me.

Now, had ex and girlfriend lived together for a reasonable chunk in thr 8 years they've been together then the OP would be unreasonable

@sockunicorn! So agree with everything you have said! I wouldn't be that nice to him.
So petty! His gf couldn't go so he chose not to.
Priorities, priorities!