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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex DH & his girlfriend

57 replies

SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 06:00

I have name changed recently as was outed in RL following a thread, will probably do the same after this as this will be outing too but really want opinions.

My ex DH & I have been apart for about 8 years & we have an 11 yr old DS. Ex DH & his girlfriend have been together for about 8 years - got together v soon after we split.

Their relationship as been v off & on over the years, he cheated on her at one point which I knew about at the time & she later found out. They only moved in together 6 months ago as he liked living on his own & didn’t want to have to deal with the teenage dramas she was going through with her son.

She is always with him when he comes to pick up our DS & we’ve had a few awkward conversations where she’s been there when we’re discussing a parenting issue & I always feel it’s 2 (them) against 1 (me).

She recently came along to a new school open day as we were looking at senior schools & I felt it was inappropriate as surely our son’s education & choices is something me & his Dad should be involved in?

So, there was a “welcome evening” for parents & kids last night & I gently asked on Wednesday if ex DH would be coming on his own & when he asked why, I said “I find it’s easier to co-parent as a team when it’s just the two of us”.

So yesterday he rings be up, guns blazing, saying she is “part of his family unit” & “she spends as much time with our son as I do” - we share 50/50.

After the row on the phone which I ended by hanging up as I didn’t feel the need to stoop to his level, he ended up not showing up to the parents evening & then I had to drive completely out of my way (20 mins each way) to drop him off at his Dad’s as the agreement was that ex DH would take DS home after it finished.

I am raging - AIBU?

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 27/04/2018 08:31

Have you asked DS what he feels?

I would also say that you don't actually know what her motives are, you are assuming.

Original poster
SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 08:36

Thanks Brake, I agree but me raising it politely with ex DH was me trying to control it, having put up with it being the three of us for years when I don’t think it should be.

At the end of the day, I’m sure it’ll blow over but I do expect an apology from ex DH re the way he spoke to me & also for him to accept that not showing up last night was a shitty thing to do which would have only impacted DS, no one else.

But to be honest, I’m probably hoping for too much!

OP posts:
LadyRenoir · 27/04/2018 08:41

To give another perspective.
I once taught a pupil whose parents were no longer together- it has been years since they divorced and they each went their own way. The dad remarried and the boy spent 50:50 time with both like in your case. For parent evenings one or the other would come as they did not have a great relationship and so they agreed who would come when as they did not want to see each other.
Once day dad brought his wife for a parent evening and the Mum kicked up so much fuss about not wanting that lady around. But to be honest, the second wife was dealing with the boy just as much, and it was even harder as he kept on throwing the 'you're not my mother' in her face all the time, and Dad did it to give her a bit more authority since they lived together half the time. I must say I actually appreciate her coming along, as it was not her son, but she invested time to come and discuss things.
I know it in inconvenient, but she will be around since they moved in together. Maybe she finds it hard to what she sees as side lining and wants to participate more- although I can see your point of not wanting her to be too involved. Can you sit down with your ex and talk through about how she can be involved, and maybe things you definitely not want her to be involved in and reach a compromise?

Claire90ftm · 27/04/2018 09:00

I don't see the problem in her being there. She won't be the one making the decision about where he goes, so why does it matter if she's there? She is a part of your DS life and has been for years and obviously your exh wanted her there. Yes, he should have turned up for the parents evening, however I think you were being unreasonable in saying that you didn't want her there.

CranberryVodka · 27/04/2018 09:39

To be honest it's been 8 years and she is part of your ex's family unit. I think you should just appreciate and be happy she seems like a good and very involved stepmum as believe me the alternative is alot worse! Also whenever you have a partner (if you don't already) surely you'd expect him to be involved in all aspects of your sons life, so he'd also attend such events with you. Yes the two of you are his parents but are also separated and i really think it's great she's involved herself.

No point in making a mountain out of a molehill.

I agree with Blankscreen there does seem to be some bitterness from you. I think you need to let go of your ex and only see him as your sons father not "ex DH". I do think he was wrong for not turning up though and he ended up potentially hurting your son just to get back at you.

Hissy · 27/04/2018 10:54

I have always thought that she doesn’t want me being alone with him, she obviously doesn’t trust him but I’m not going to pounce on him at a parent’s evening - or ever!

They got together v quickly after you split, AND he cheated on her. I've been on MN Relationship boards for long enough to know that blokes don't often jump without a soft place to land, so it's entirely possible that he was already emotionally invested at the very least in this woman before their official start.

If he then cheated on her then tbh, she is ALWAYS going to worry about her relationship tanking, and you as the mother of his son is the closest female to him apart from her and one she can do nothing about.

YOU know that there is NO chance of ever getting back with him, but she is insecure because she lives with this cretin. He's pissed her about for the last 8 years.

Short of having a chat with her woman to woman so that your fears are allayed and hers too, you will just have to understand that having someone who gives enough of a shit to turn up to these things is a good thing for your DS.

I agree that her inserting herself to a point in parenting things may irk you, but she already has gone through a lot with her DS, so does have experience and potential insight that might help somehow. The very fact that she is involving herself is because she cares.

I know how you feel and I'd feel exactly the same, to be honest, I'm fiercely territorial when it comes to my DS. I'm trying to be less so, but as a single parent with his dad being abroad and pretty much a complete waste of space, it IS all down to me, and always has been.

Your Ex WAS massively wrong to stand his ds up though. Let the dust settle a bit, let the temperature cool and bring it up gently. This is a mixture of insecurity on both sides and him in the middle as an emotionally stunted individual, unable to put his son first.

Original poster
SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 11:02

Thanks Hissy, brilliant post!

OP posts:
CindyLouWhoo · 27/04/2018 12:12

I wouldn't pick fights you can't win. Your ex has a right to have a partner. The way he runs his blended family and their relationship is nothing to do with you. I think you have to ask yourself what does your DS get out of this?

By you getting territorial she may well back off her relationship with him or worse. Why put your son in that position. She showed up to a school event which to me could mean she cares. That's a good thing for your son.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/04/2018 12:20

I don't think yabu. I'm with you. Co-parenting as a team with him without their drama is easier for you. Wine It must be fucking difficult.

Original poster
SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 14:50

Thanks Vladmirs

OP posts:
Imsosceptical · 27/04/2018 15:13

I had a friend who was a step mum, she was determined to fulfil that role no matter how the child felt. The child loved her mum and was very close with her, loved her dad too but had deep resentment towards the step mum, not because of parents split because of the way she’s was forced to recognise her as a mum. I had serious misgivings and told her that being a step mum is at times a thankless task but that she was enforcing stuff that would cause long term damage. She took it upon herself to have a chat about periods which was deeply resented by the child, her mother had already done that, all her phone messages and emails were tracked by step mum (she was a techno geek) and reported to father, missing her mum on holidays with Dad was a disrespectful offence and she was berated for it. When she finally did start her periods the agreement was if she was at Dads she could go home to mum, it happened at Dads, step mum took over and she was not allowed to call her mum, step mum dealt with it all and it’s caused deep resentment with the child, who subsequently just stared refusing to go to dads, my friend could not see what she was doing wrong, she would not listen to alternative opinions and expected to be treated as equally as the mother e.g. Mother’s Day stuff etc. however,the thing I noticed the most was she just did not have that bond, she was harsh at times, having a whole list of jobs the child was expected to do on weekends with Dad, he just bought. Into the whole it’s teaching them values stuff but the loving bond wasn’t there, all I ever felt from the child (who I became close too) was just deep resentment.

nellieellie · 27/04/2018 15:21

I agree it’s inappropriate as she has no parental responsibility for him. It’s him and you who are to make the big decisions. Yes, she is part of your ex’s family, and therefore you aren’t saying she isn’t a significant person in your DS’s life, but she ISNT someone who you need to discuss issues like schooling with. I guess you can either try to talk to him to explain this, or, you could just suck it up. As long as she just comes along for the ride and DOESNT argue with you, it might be ok?

greenlanes · 27/04/2018 15:48

Unfortunately, in my opinion, under education law she is treated as a parent. The law states and I am paraphrasing that someone who takes care of a child is able to act as a parent. That is not the same as parental responsibility.

I have this exact situation where ex's partner turns up with him to parents evenings and other school events. The thought of the ow being involved is very offensive. She is being told information that is sensitive about the DC, she is not able to make decisions about the DC as does not have pr, yet is there and causes trouble. The school cannot win here so I do have some sympathy for them.

agnurse · 27/04/2018 15:54

I happen to be a stepmother and attend many of my child's parent-teacher interviews. That said, my stepdaughter and I get along well together. I have NEVER tried to replace her mom - the relationship simply grew organically.

feelinggoodinspring · 27/04/2018 15:56

I don't think you are being unreasonable and I agree with you.
Also I'd rather have a partner with an ex like you who wants it to be just you and him there than an ex who insists on partners coming to anything and everything.

Original poster
SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 16:46

Really appreciate all the responses, thanks.

OP posts:
Walkaboutwendy · 27/04/2018 16:56

The comment about giving birth is a ridiculous once. Father's don't give birth!

Err he was there at the conception though and was part of a couple that decided to have a child. So not ridiculous at all. What is ridiculous is expecting to co-parent when the child already has a mum and a dad. 3s a crowd an all that.

agnurse · 27/04/2018 17:26

If the stepmother lives with them, by definition she IS acting in a parenting role half the time. I don't just sort of not interact with my kid because she's not biologically mine. Hubby works nights so we are alone together a few nights a week. She knows that the rules stay the same. If she leaves the house, she takes her phone and lets me know, for example. (She's 13.) I don't think it's unreasonable for a step-parent to take an interest in a child's education. Maybe, though, I have a different view of the situation because we live in Canada and Hubby is a British ex-pat. I have more experience in the school system here than he does, and he is also high-functioning autistic, so I take the lead in DSD's education.

Original poster
SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 18:02

Agnurse, they’ve been living together I.e. her in a “step parent role” for 6 months!

OP posts:
agnurse · 27/04/2018 18:04

If he intends it to be permanent, I don't think it matters how long they've been living together. Hubby and I married and I moved in with him when we had been dating 15.5 months. I started taking an interest in DSD's education before we even moved in together.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/04/2018 18:11

I would do anything to get out of going to school meetings. Why would you turn up when it's not your child?

It's her issue though, don't make it yours. The school, teachers, and anyone else, will think she is odd to be there.

Prettylovely · 27/04/2018 18:13

I think you all need to grow up.

Original poster
SpringNewStart · 27/04/2018 18:14

I know I need to rise above but still reeling at the moment so will just give me & my ex time to cool off I recon.

OP posts:
TakeMeToKernow · 27/04/2018 18:16

OP, you don’t really appreciate all the responses - only the ones supporting you.

clairedelalune · 28/04/2018 00:11

I understand where you are coming from but I actually think it is very positive that she wants to be involved. There are lots of threads on here about ex's and new partners who resent the children from a previous relationship/ who aren't interested. She isn't trying to take your place she is showing an interest in the human who shares her home part tine.
If you had a new live in partner I would imagine you would want them to be interested in your child rather than absolving themselves of anything to do with them.