Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To expect more from DH than this?

64 replies

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 01:37

I’m feeling increasingly resentful of the amount of time my DH is spending out of the house but I’m not sure if it’s him being selfish or me being lazy and/or a bit depressed.
In the last two weeks he’s been here for 3 bedtimes. He’s worked 2 late shifts, but the rest of the time he’s doing various hobbies. He’s taken them to school 3 mornings.
The kids aren’t babies anymore (youngest 4, not at school) but they are generally hard work and they are definitely worse when I’m dealing with them on my own every night. I work PT.
I’m knackered, really fed up and I feel like a doormat. I’ve been feeling really down and I’m not being the mum I want to be but everything feels like too much work. He knows this and hasn’t changed his plans at all.
Tonight he’s got home on time but gone out 15 mins later to go for a bike ride until 9.15. He’s announced after coming home that he’s actually working late again tomorrow, which means home after 9. We’re out on Saturday so he won’t be doing bedtime then either. He can’t understand why I’m grumpy. AIBU??

OP posts:

frieda909 · 27/04/2018 09:21

It's not fair for OP to complain about him working later either.

The thing is, we don’t know whether ‘working late’ means he really is dealing with urgent things that absolutely cannot wait until the morning, or whether he’s just enjoying some quiet time in an empty office surfing the web. I would personally be a bit suspicious of someone who can get home on time for hobbies but then finds himself conveniently ‘working late’ when he could be coming home for bedtime.

Hard to say either way, but I personally do know plenty of people who only ‘work late’ because they can’t be arsed to go home.

museumum · 27/04/2018 09:26

I bloody love working late. There’s nothing as good as actually wrapping up a piece of work taking a breath and leaning when necessary. Rather than the usual diving out the door at 5 for pick up leaving the desk like the Marie Celeste and cutting off colleagues trying to speak to you.

Dh and I alternate bedtimes with pre-arranged swaps where necessary. I “only” work 4 days but my kids are at home with me all day on the 5th so I’m not doing extra bedtimes for that!

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 27/04/2018 09:28

Of course YANBU. Why are you the default childcare at times when neither of you are working? Why can he decide to go out, assuming you'll be there to do bedtime and look after your children.

Juells · 27/04/2018 09:30

Don't want to throw a spanner in the works, but have you checked that he really is working late?

Graphista · 27/04/2018 09:30

Willynilly except the op isn't doing nothing the rest of the time is she? She's more than likely doing more "wifework" in place of the discrepancy in paid working hours! Bedtimes aren't the ONLY thing that needs done.

Do you REALLY think if she's not at work and the kids are at school she's doing nothing?? Don't be so ridiculous! Are you in the dh's position?

"He is a man though" wtf has THAT got to do with it that's no excuse

"so you have to make it clear that it's not fair." He's a grown arse adult with a job and family he shouldn't NEED it pointed out!

"Do you think it may be because you resent him having hobbies etc?" " seriously?!

"Hard to say either way, but I personally do know plenty of people who only ‘work late’ because they can’t be arsed to go home." Yes - this happens too.

He is totally taking piss.

Chinesecrested · 27/04/2018 09:34

Wait til he gets in and tell him you're off to the cinema. It's your new hobby and you'll be doing it at least twice a week...

HideMee · 27/04/2018 09:37

I would start by showing him what he's doing. Just announce to him that you're busy on two nights next week and won't be back until 9pm. Don't ask just tell him that's what you're doing. Keep doing it. He doesn't get to dictate when he's responsible and when he's not.

If you left him at least he would have access hours when you'd get a break. He's a selfish twat OP. Equal leisure time is the only reasonable solution.

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 09:50

Do you REALLY think if she's not at work and the kids are at school she's doing nothing?? Don't be so ridiculous! Are you in the dh's position?

Maybe read what I actually wrote instead of ranting at something I didn't say.

It never would've occurred to me that someone working late didn't need to! But if it's something that happens then I would try to find out if that's the case (not sure how).

Euphrasia · 27/04/2018 09:54

You need to get a hobby. It'll give you a chance to get out, clear your head etc. It might also give him a chance to do some parenting.

Original poster

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 10:01

Sorry not got time to reply but am reading everything.

OP posts:

Graphista · 27/04/2018 10:11

Actually it WAS in response to what you said

"OP probably gets some alone "off" time whilst they are at school when she isn't at work."

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 10:17

How does "probably gets some time off" equate to "does nothing the rest of the time"?! There are miles between what I said and your wild hyperbole. It's fair to assume that she might have an hour to sit down during the day and rest. I could be completely wrong - OP doesn't say. I don't know what her hours are or her schedule I was just basing it on the assumption that she works PT and the children are at school. However it doesn't excuse the father taking 9/14 evenings for his hobby.

Butterymuffin · 27/04/2018 10:32

Does he ever work late on a hobby night? Or have to skip a ride because he has work to finish? I suspect work only becomes so important when it conveniently stops him doing childcare.

Sunshinegirl82 · 27/04/2018 10:33

I'm not surprised you're annoyed OP, I'd be livid.

I think I read that your youngest is not yet at school so presumably you are looking after your child on your days off plus doing the school run etc all of which takes time along with all the household crap and life admin. When did you last have a night/day to yourself?

Your DH clearly assumes that you are the one responsible for the children and his presence is optional. What if you were busy on a night he planned to do his hobby? The possibility of that clearly never occurs to him, he just assumes you'll always be there to pick up his slack.

Have you told him you're beginning to think you might be better off on your own? I think if it's got that bad I would probably tell him. I'd also seek some legal advice so you know what you would be entitled to if you did split up. Knowledge is power in these situations I think.

Good luck.

Flip

1 2 3