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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect more from DH than this?

64 replies

3boys3dogshelp · 27/04/2018 01:37

I’m feeling increasingly resentful of the amount of time my DH is spending out of the house but I’m not sure if it’s him being selfish or me being lazy and/or a bit depressed.
In the last two weeks he’s been here for 3 bedtimes. He’s worked 2 late shifts, but the rest of the time he’s doing various hobbies. He’s taken them to school 3 mornings.
The kids aren’t babies anymore (youngest 4, not at school) but they are generally hard work and they are definitely worse when I’m dealing with them on my own every night. I work PT.
I’m knackered, really fed up and I feel like a doormat. I’ve been feeling really down and I’m not being the mum I want to be but everything feels like too much work. He knows this and hasn’t changed his plans at all.
Tonight he’s got home on time but gone out 15 mins later to go for a bike ride until 9.15. He’s announced after coming home that he’s actually working late again tomorrow, which means home after 9. We’re out on Saturday so he won’t be doing bedtime then either. He can’t understand why I’m grumpy. AIBU??

OP posts:
adaline · 27/04/2018 07:27

Working late isn't necessarily a choice so I don't think it's fair to penalise him for that.

But if he can get home early, he needs to help with bedtime, cook dinner and generally give you a bit of a hand, not fuck off on a two hour bike ride and leave you to it.

swingofthings · 27/04/2018 07:27

I agree, don't resent him because he's found a work-life balance that suits him. Concentrate on you and what you would want to do and then work out how you can both enjoy your own time.

How many hours do you work? 30 or 16? Does your youngest not at nursery? Don't you have any time for yourself at all during the day? If not, then you do need to have a better balance, but the discussion is not about you wanting him to stop doing what he enjoys because you don't want him to have fun when you don't, but about him supporting you to do the same as you have.

timeisnotaline · 27/04/2018 07:32

Agree a certain slice of time for you and family eg 5-6 nights a fortnight etc. Then if work takes up all the rest he can’t get to the hobby, but if he can make those evenings (and the x mornings weekend time agreed to, fine to go on a hobby. That’s prioritising family.
Can you not go out Saturday and think it through - let him go out with the kids? If that feels hard to say you’re not going as you need both time to yourself and time to think about how things are working, remind yourself that if you’d come down with d&v you wouldn’t be going out and if you just let it get to the point where you asked him to leave Saturday would be his dad time so you wouldn’t be going anyway.

NapQueen · 27/04/2018 07:34

If he isnt responding to words then maybe he will respond to action?

The second he walks through the door on an evening, leave. Turn off your phone and stay out at least 1.5hrs.

Set your alarm on a Saturday morning before him, up dressed and leave the house. Text "Loads of errands to run today, I will be back at 5pm" nd turn off your phone!
What have you got to lose? Talking to him doesnt work.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 27/04/2018 07:38

He likely doesn't have a choice with working late. You're expecting him to support your part time wage, himself and children so his job needs to be priority. What if you worked full time too, could he cut back a little on work then as you say life is unbalanced at the moment. Would seem fair for him to do more at home and you pick up more work hours.

Hobby wise, if it's something that keeps him healthy then just agree a set number of hours each. Adults don't stop doing everything once children come along as it's not healthy.

adaline · 27/04/2018 07:40

And yes, if you've spoken to him and he's not listening to you - take action.

When he gets home, be ready and go out. It doesn't matter where you go - just don't be available and let him deal with bedtime. Don't let going out for a two hour bike ride become an option.

Of course he's allowed his hobbies but he can't just disappear over bedtime on a regular basis without prior agreement. If he's working - fine, but he can do his hobby later or over the weekend, or get a trainer and do it in the house.

DP is a cyclist and I do sympathise - luckily I work weekends so he can bugger off for hours and I don't notice (no kids) but his friends who do have kids don't get to disappear for hours several times a week anymore - and rightly so!

bakingdemon · 27/04/2018 07:41

For each evening he voluntarily spends away from the family, you should get one, whether you spend it on hobbies, seeing your friends or taking yourself off to see a movie.

I hate to say this, but do you definitely know where he is and who he's with when he claims to be out for a bike ride etc? Why can't he take the older kids out for a bike ride too?

CocoaGin · 27/04/2018 07:42

You need a family calendar, and at the weekend you mark out his shifts, and time for things as a family for that week. Then you take a night or two for you, and any remaining time is fair game for his hobby. You both have to agree or it doesn't happen.

My DH is a golfer, and spends two evenings a week on the course and all day sunday but it genuinely doesn't bother me as he's home the rest of the time and he always asks if it's ok. I'd be far less happy if he was in the pub! I fit my hobby in (walking) during the day so its not an issue.

You need downtime or a hobby so you don't go insane with young kids. It was also stop you resenting him from having one.

Lacucuracha · 27/04/2018 07:47

I’m honestly wondering if I’d be better off on my own

If you make it clear it's unacceptable and he still treats you like default parent then you are probably are.

You are facilitating a way of life for him that is unfair to you.

Blaablaablaa · 27/04/2018 07:50

This really unfair and you know it. He is taking you for granted. Both me and DH have hobbies and busy jobs that sometimes require us to work late . We have both cut down on hobby time since DS came along and we try to be as organised as we can with work to make sure we're both home on time. Occasionally one of us has to work late but as far as possible we agree this in advance ( even if it's just that morning) we never take for granted that the other will be there to pick up the slack.

It's about respect and communication. We both have one evening a week on our hobby and some time on a weekend . Occasionally other things crop up but we check with each other before agreeing to anything.

He needs to stop being so selfish.

Graphista · 27/04/2018 07:52

Just KNEW he'd be a cyclist! See it on here so much and a couple friends in real life have similar issues. WHY are they SO selfish?!

He is taking the piss!

Out of curiosity - what did you say to him? I'll guess it wasn't "you spent 3 X more of your free time on a hobby than on spending time with your family. You're neglecting your family and treating me like a bloody servant. Get your head on straight and stop being a knob! Hobby is BOTTOM of priority list when you have GROWN UP responsibilities"

And if he still doesn't listen do as pp said and don't give him the opportunity to cop out of family life.

As a Lp myself I can see your life being much easier if you split.

feral · 27/04/2018 07:52

You're not being unreasonable at all.

My DH usually does most bedtime as it's the only time he sees DS during the week apart from a few Nina in the morning. He usually arrives home just in time for it to start.

The last few weeks he's under pressure at work and he's coming back later and I've done most bedtimes. No issue as we are a team and I pick up his slack and vice versa.

With your DH - if he's got to work, fair enough but hobbies should wait or be proportional so he's still doing his share.

When do you get to do a hobby?

theeyeofthestormchaser · 27/04/2018 07:54

Ask him to come up with a solution that gives you both equal leisure time. And that has him doing 50% of bed times.

This ^^^

How can he possibly think it's fair to swan in and out as he does, leaving you with the kids? Thoughtless twat.

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 08:33

But he works FT and you work PT - surely what's fair is that you do more parenting/bedtimes? It's not fair to be annoyed when he is working late either. I'd be sad that he didn't want to do bedtimes when he's home and would rather cycle instead, but maybe he needs some time to decompress.

Blaablaablaa · 27/04/2018 08:53

@willynillypie awww diddums poor man works full time must have time to compress on an evening by taking up a hobby which removes him from the house for hours.....selfish wife for expecting him to take on his fair share of responsibility.
It seems he only works late when he should be a home being a parent. Manages to finish on time for his hobby.

starfish8 · 27/04/2018 08:54

In our house since we've had our DS (now 4), he comes first. We split bedtimes 50/50 every other day. I do Mon/Wed/Sat bedtimes, husband Tues/Thurs/Fri/Sun (and does all 3 baths of the week too), I pick up more of the cooking/laundry.

We've adjusted this over the years to flex around hobbies and evening work events/commitments, but we've ultimately reduced the number of hobbies that we do in the week. (One each per week and we're around the rest of the time). We both work full time, and there is too much to do in the house to accommodate anything more.

From your description, it does sound like he's more focused on doing his own thing in the evenings, not putting the kids/house first. I'd get him doing 50/50 bedtimes asap, you're still giving him the flexibility to fit in some hobbies - maybe not all of them though!

Good luck!

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 09:00

Blaablaablaa

But I don't think it is his fair share if he is working much longer hours. If the children are older and at school (sounds like they are), OP probably gets some alone "off" time whilst they are at school when she isn't at work. What's fair is both parents get some off time. It's not fair for OP to complain about him working later either.

endofthelinefinally · 27/04/2018 09:01

I love the idea that the person who does all the child care and works out of the home PT is doing less than the person who works full time and apparently has plenty of hobby time.

Even on MN there are people who think child care isn't work.

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 09:04

Oh my god I am not saying it's less work! Not by any means. But I am saying that every couple needs a division of labour that means they get some sort of break. OP may well have a few hours a day for a break. It's not her DH's fault if several nights during the week he is working late.

endofthelinefinally · 27/04/2018 09:05

My DH used to think I had down time when the dc were at school.
In reality I was cleaning, shopping, cooking, doing all the household admin, laundry for 5 people, managing homework etc. That counts as work IMO. (I worked 4 days and did the other stuff around that).

Quartz2208 · 27/04/2018 09:07

No but it’s his fault that the days he does he prioritises hobby time not family

I suspect op does pretty much all the housework, admin, childcare and works part time if free time were divided 50/50 I suspect she would get more and him a lot less

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 09:12

No but it’s his fault that the days he does he prioritises hobby time not family

I re-read the thread and saw that over 14 days he has had 2 lates and 4 bedtimes so 9 nights doing hobbies. Obviously that is fucking bullshit! 1 night a week for hobbies would be acceptable (and 1 night for OP). 9 over two weeks is really shitty. Sorry OP, didn't crunch the numbers initially!

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 09:13

*3 bedtimes

chills32045 · 27/04/2018 09:17

He is a man though, so you have to make it clear that it's not fair. Do you think it may be because you resent him having hobbies etc?

Do you have any hobbies outside of the kids?

Just tell him you have plans on certain days and therefore he will need to be home to do bed time etc.

Blaablaablaa · 27/04/2018 09:20

She can complain about him working late if it's his choice and not necessary. Both me and my DH work full time and before children would work late regularly. Now we have responsibilities we don't do that as often or we bring work home to do once DS is in bed.

It's about priorities and his are all wrong