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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Babysitter affair AIBU?

94 replies

Orangewater33 · 26/04/2018 15:35

Need to get the small details in so this could be a little lengthy..
A few months ago on a weekend away with my bf he takes a call from one of his exes, he's on good terms with all his exes and this doesn't bother me at all however I later found out that rather than an 'ex' this is a girl he slept with when she was his teenage babysitter fifteen years ago.
He's vague about what age she was then(15/16/17?) but certainly 17 was the maximum, he was in his mid forties(single at the time)..
I was appalled and considered honestly ending things with him, we had a long talk about it and I explained how I felt and how inappropriate I thought it was that she was still calling him(she's now married with kids) he told me he understood and felt bad and that he would cut contact with her.
Fast forward to last night and his phone rings he goes into the office, I'm half asleep on the sofa but go into the office to get my glasses and hes on Skype with some girl...'oh this is my friend xxxxx' I say hi and go back to the other room..he arrives a while later and tells me 'oh thats xxxxx the babysitter'...I'm obviously pissed off and a bit what the hell I thought we had this conversation, why is she skyping you at 11 o clock at night? Why are you answering? Why did you tell me you understood it wasn't cool and you were cutting contact but clearly you didn't listen to a word I said?
His idea is that there is nothing between them and they just say hi every so often...which I think is incredibly naive at best...you dont skype another guy at almost midnight when your husband is out of the house and doesn't know, especially in that situation? Or am I being OTT?
I'm so upset apart from this I feel we have a great relationship and he's very loving and kind..I just really am dissappointed and lost a lot of faith when I realised that when I was sincerely explaining my feelings the first time and thought he was sincerely listening it was basically going in one ear and out the other.
It's the morning after and he wants me to 'cheer up' and 'doesn't want to argue' but I just feel grim. I'm not a jealous person and like I said he's friends with all his exes and sees them regularly and there's no problem..this just feels wrong and I'm being made to feel like the controlling girlfriend 'I'll tell her my girlfriend doesn't want us to talk anymore'...argh.

OP posts:

bonbonlavie · 26/04/2018 16:42

No no no

WorraLiberty · 26/04/2018 16:42

Apparently she was the age of consent in this country

In what country, OP?

lalalalyra · 26/04/2018 16:44

Eventually the mum found out and allowed the relationship to continue because he was 'keeping her daughter out of trouble' the whole thing is so messed up.

So not only did he have sex with a child, he had sex with a child who was vulnerable/having a tough time at the time? A vulnerable girl who is still in contact with him today...

How old were his children at the time OP? What is the age difference between her and them?

Catrina1234 · 26/04/2018 16:45

I'm a bit confused. Is this the first time she's phoned him/skiped him late at night or has he been in touch with her for a long time and now that he has told you about her, thinks it's ok for her to call when she wants to. Can you look at his phone or he might delete everything.
And he would say she was 16 wouldn't he!!

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 26/04/2018 16:46

Are there any children/young people in the house OP?

Littlechocola · 26/04/2018 16:48

* she was coming on to him for some time*

Did he tell you that?

You are avoiding questions about your age difference and if you have children.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 26/04/2018 16:48

Also, the girl’s mother really failed her child and basically pimped her out to a dirty old man.

SofieMonde · 26/04/2018 17:08

I hope it isnt the same guy www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3063932-To-be-creeped-out?pg=1

as someone asked you.

DiddimusStench · 26/04/2018 17:09

Well sounds like to me OP that this is a man that likes vulnerable girls. I take it you are younger and have had a traumatic time? He’s a predator.

Yes, you do need to end it. Who knows where this will go.

Onlyhavetwohands · 26/04/2018 17:13

God that sounds like the same bloke - older, single parent, weirdo.

Ohmydayslove · 26/04/2018 17:18

I expect the mum accepting it is a lie to appease you and make you think his disgusting behaviour was ok.

He’s clearly grooming her again and probably hoping for a threesome with you and her. It’s vile.

You get away op you are worth so much better love

HealthAnxiousOrSensible · 26/04/2018 17:18

Oh OP, please get out of this relationship. Good luck moving out - MN is rooting for you...

Scoogle · 26/04/2018 17:19

Two separate points.

OP you know it's not on. It's grim. She was a child and he took advantage. Personally I wouldn't be able to think of my DH in the same way. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, which it should, and sounds like it does, then leave. On a personal note, it would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

I really hate when people come into a safe space to ask for advice and just get their own threads thrown back at them as evidence. It's unnecessary and unkind.

TheJoyOfSox · 26/04/2018 17:24

Congratulations, you’re dating a perv!
But don’t be distracted by that, concentrate on the fact his victim still calls him!

Red flags all over this, but of course you know better, you’re dating a fucking a nonce!

Sorry for the hash language, but I really can’t think of a nicer term for a pedo than nonce!

AnyFucker · 26/04/2018 17:30

Just.... ugh

Mrsmadevans · 26/04/2018 17:30

He sounds a right creep, are you sure he hasn't groomed you too OP?
I hope you are ok too, this has really opened a can of worms for you . l don't think you realise how much when you first posted but it is becoming ever more clear to you as you get our responses .

Imsosceptical · 26/04/2018 17:32

You’ve all said you’re piece, no holds barred, but can we actually offer support to OP here please. She is in a relationship that she realises is intolerable, regardless of what we think of this man it is very very hard to walk away emotionally and financially and start all over again, the OP needs support for fellow MN friends, she understands the issues around her partners past so sticking the boot in more and more is not really productive for her at this stage, can we all move on to the next stage now of not judging (that’s been done to death) and offering support and encouragement xxxxx

KanyeWesticle · 26/04/2018 17:35

He doesn't sound like a keeper. Sleeping with a babysitter and with such an agegap suggests he's a creep with no boundaries, and is an abuse of an unbalanced power dynamic... and, he's proven he has no respect for you and the boundaries you set either. That'd be enough for me to steer well clear.

NotMyNameButHereForever · 26/04/2018 17:36

Grim. Utterly grim.

EarlGreyT · 26/04/2018 17:36

He was a single dad and she was coming on to him for some time.

What a load of crap. He’s a creep and he’s making up this nonsense to try to justify what he has done. Run a mile. And no he’s not open and honest as you state in one of your posts. In the OP you state you ‘later found out that rather than an ex this is a girl he slept with when she was his teenage babysitter.’ That’s neither upfront nor honest.

He’s an abuser, this girl may well have been groomed by him and she’s a victim. Her mother is disgusting, has totally failed her as a mother and I agree with a PP that if his version of events is correct, her mother has essentially pimped her out to an older man rather than protecting her.

therealposieparker · 26/04/2018 17:36

Oh God OP, I'm so sorry. Bad enough that he's one of those men that likes to feel permanently adored by all kinds of women, but sleeping with a minor when he was in his forties is really really bad. Your first instinct and response was spot on.

ConciseandNice · 26/04/2018 17:37

Hi OP. I was a teenager who had a few relationships (fairly long ones) with men in their 40s and one in his 50s. Now as a grown woman in her forties I realise how I was abused and taken advantage of by men who were more powerful than me. Of course I consented. I did. But now I know I had no idea how wrong it was for those seemingly loving me to act on what was probably an attraction to youth and vitality which isn’t there in older women. It just isn’t. Youth is a big draw. Decent men don’t act on it or encourage it. It’s deeply unpleasant. I would be seriously considering your relationship and it’s future. I’m sorry.

aaarrrggghhhh · 26/04/2018 17:41

"He was a single dad and she was coming on to him for some time."

Oh well in that case - obviously he had no control over where he put his bits. Clearly she was manipulating him and he was a vulnerable single dad.

I mean SERIOUSLY.

bastardkitty · 26/04/2018 17:42

He was a single dad and she was coming on to him for some time. Eventually the mum found out and allowed the relationship to continue because he was 'keeping her daughter out of trouble' the whole thing is so messed up.

OP you cannot possibly believe this absolute load of bollocks. I was a teenage babysitter with a disgusting pig of a 40 odd year old married man trying to sexually abuse me. I think they should be castrated and that includes your boyfriend.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 26/04/2018 17:47

His relationship with her was wrong on so many levels and it’s clearly not over.
Sorry you are having to go through this OP. Please get the strength to leave the bastard.

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