To get so frustrated with Dp hair

[mamahanji]

I know I'm unreasonable. But I can't help how fucked off it's making me.

When we met, he had shoulder length hair that he looked after. As it got longer he started wearing it in a pony tail. He also nearly always wears a beanie hat.

I started noticing it was really messy and looked really knotty. Finally plucked up the courage and mentioned it. He was so embarrassed and uncomfortable that he just lashed out and refused to talk about it and told me I was shallow and embarrassed of him and it was none of my business.

Anyway he eventually talked to me about it and said that he couldn't get the knot out as it had got so bad. So I spent hours in the evenings working on the knot. I'm not joking it was the size of an orange and was solid dreaded hair. I had partial dreadlocks so I knew how to work them out.

After so many hours I finally told him I would have to cut it out and the inside of it was mouldy. Yh you read that right. The shampoo and conditioner gets trapped in the dreaded hair and goes mouldy.

He let me cut it out and I tried to sort out as much as I could but he wouldn't let me cut the rest to be the same length. He just put his hair back up and hat on and that's it.

Occasionally I mention to him about brushing his hair and he gets so annoyed and just lashed out or shuts down.

He refuses to deal with it.

He has a high position in his job, and is in charge of a lot of people. The work uniform isn't strict or even especially smart as it is on a work site but he also meets with very important customers from around the world.

His bosses have made subtle comments about his appearance which piss him off.

He refuses to accept that his hair looks awful. At its longest it is to his waist, shortest which is probably shoulder length a solid chunk at the back.

He has a very fancy and important work event coming up. We have 2 important family events that will be smart. And a few weddings coming up.

I have trichotillomanja. I know about hair embarrassment. But I know it's better to suck it up and deal with it and it removes the embarrassment!

He won't listen. His hair looks fucking awful. It's messy and looks like it hasn't been brushed in years. Which it hasn't!

What the hell do I do? It's genuinely upsetting me that he cares so little about himself and that his hair looks so disgustingly dirty and unkempt.

It sounds like he is borderline mental health issue about it.

Doesnt he smell from it?

It sounds like he could be suffering from depression. Not caring about your appearance, and not bothering with basic hygiene is a common symptom.

He doesn't smell. His hair just smells like hair. It isn't currently dreaded. Just knotty. It's more that he doesn't brush it every day and will just wash it, shove it in a pony tail/bun, stick a hat on it. Sleep on it and repeat. And then once a week he'll rip out all the big knots.

If he smelled then I would definitely feel I had a bigger say in it. But he doesn't.

It definitely started when things got hard with us. It is an insecurity and depression issue. But it doesn't help that he won't sort it and the more he leaves it, the worse he feels about it.

I'm just started to get embarrassed that we'll go to a family wedding and he'll be looking lovely in a nice suit and then he'll have some fucking knotty ass scruffy bun.

And I'm worried for the day his bosses caution him for looking like a homeless person at work.

He also doesn't shower enough. He doesn't smell. But honestly, why wouldn't you don't to shower every other day or every day?

He'll wash his hair over the bath and that's it. I can't stand it.

It feels so crap and shallow but it is really getting to me.

I had an ex who didn't wash their hair enough. When we broke up I had to throw out all the pillow covers due to the grey solid gunk that had encrusted the top of his pillows -not envy

Boak. That sounds properly minging, OP. How do you bring yourself to be intimate with someone who doesn't wash properly and has rotting hair?! Even though you say he/his hair doesn't smell, I think I'd be telling him that it/he does. I'd put money on the fact that people at work think so. I suspect you've just got used to it. It might prompt him into action.

Well once again I've brought it up. Obviously it didn't go well but I said my piece. I can't carry on with someone who doesn't take care of themselves at all.

I'm not going to pretend I'm some health guru. I'm not. But basic self care. Basic self respect.

He has had many years of mental health issues which he has always refused to deal with. And I can't carry on supporting him and accepting all the crap without him trying to get better.

He seems to have taken it in and realised that despite it sounding really shallow and bitchy. His lack of self care is a massive problem for me.

I guess I will see if he makes positive changes or not.

Oh yh I definitely think people at work can visibly see the state of his hair. And you don't get that from washing, conditioning, and brushing it! It's obvious It's for lack of care.

If work are dropping hints, they’re not happy. It may get raised in his annual review, if HR/manager doesn’t bring it up before.

YANBU. I’m amazed you’ve put up with it for so long. It’s hard to believe it doesn’t smell. Everyone smells if they don’t have a shower for more than two days. You probably just don’t notice it fully anymore as you’re living together.
Well done on standing up to him about this. He’ll feel so much better himself if he takes better care.
Would he consider getting it cut short for the weddings?

He's always had long hair. He had a very traumatic childhood and has quite a lot of issues because of it.

As awful as it sounds I've skirted around his problems for 5 years. And selfishly they affect me and the kids now. I just hate how little he cares about himself. Not even physically. Just everything. He honestly looks in the mirror and thinks he is awful.

I have mental health problems and have since I was a very young child. So I know how hard it is getting help. I know what it feels like to not want to look after yourself in the most basic ways and to feel either completely depressed or apathetic about everything.

I worry about how much bitterness he has about everything.

I suppose I'm lucky that everything he does is for me and the kids. But I feel like I'm carrying him through life. We had a big argument the other day and he finally admitted how stressed and possibly depressed he is. And asked me to help him through it. Things have been so hard for the last few months. The kids have been constantly unwell. I haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night. He is suffocated with work stress. I'm suffocating under a challenging child. But the consequences of his stress fall on me. So he will be short and snappy and rude and distant. I probably don't notice his smell because he never so much as hugs me anymore.

I feel so selfish and awful but I can't raise two children, myself, and pull him along too. And maybe it's wrong of me to feel like it, but I can't support him if he won't help himself. I don't think it's fair of him to ask me to watch him slip further and further into a breakdown without a comment.

His response after a big attack and lashing out was 'i'll just shave my head'. Instead of thinking about a hair style he wants. Or letting me cut it to how it used to be. Or even just cutting it even which would still be long.

Is he of a culture /religion that has a non hair cutting stipulation? Because if he is then obviously having his hair cut will be a problem for him. If not could you suggest you both go to a hair dresser that specializes in dreds and get them taken off. A new look for him might do him good.

OP my heart goes out to you. Why not just let him shave it for now to get it sorted and then he can grow it out again? Hopefully it will not get the chance to get as bad as it has.
Do you have any support around you from family and friends?

Oh op that sounds so hard. Sometimes you have to draw lines and make it a deal breaker. You can only carry in for so long. He sounds like he need to seek some external support. Does he have health care through work? Or guess it's the gp.

Could u come to an agreement that he showers every night uses a leave in conditioner and then you brush it hough for him. I know it's another thing for you to do when your flooded but I'm thinking baby steps.

He's not disgusting (why would anyone say that about someone suffering from mh issues?!!), the op has already stated "it's an insecurity and depression issue" and that her dp has had long-standing my problems. It all sounds really hard op

How about you present this as a joint problem op, and suggest that as you are both stressed out, you could both visit the GP together (he could perhaps benefit from some counselling or ads given his previous my issues? ). If he is worried about talking openly he could just say he is under a lot of stress at work (which is also true). Or you could go and talk about the stress you are under and perhaps encourage him to open up about himself that way?

Then as a "reward" for that, could you treat yourselves to joint haircuts and perhaps do a few spa treatments at gome?

Couch it all in terms of how you are concerned about his health and the stress he is under? (Also true!)

I'd also try and get him to agree to cut it to its shortest length

As you've said yourself, this isn't really about his hair, is it? It's his mental health issues and lack of self esteem and self care that's the real issue here.

I think you need to recommend he gets himself to the GP and ask for some help. Hopefully as he gets better, he can then make more of an effort when he feels up to it.

When you are depressed everything is overwhelming and even simple things like washing your hair feel like hard work.

My husband has long hair and MH issues. He looks after it now but didn't always. I have to say there wasn't much I could do when it was bad beyond insisting he washed it regularly and just banging on about it until we were both sick of it. Ultimately though he had to decide to start looking after himself properly and he does now.

As it's at the point where the lack of self care is potentially affecting his job I'd say he needs to see his GP and take some concrete action about his depression. But again you can't make him do it and the fog of depression is probably telling him not to ask for help. It's really hard, I know.

(On a side note I think an extra factor for men with long hair is the worry that if they cut it off it might not grow back and there might be thin bits or a bald patch, so it can get mixed up with fear of aging etc)

Would he shave his head? I would imagine that would look better? Could you afford to book him a 'treat' at a traditional barbers where they would give him a cut and shave.

Unless he gets that professionally seen to he may well go bald. The closer that knot gets to the scalp it will cause stress on the hairline and get to a stage where there is permanent hair loss there. I know this is true because a relative of mine suffered a similar problem some years ago when backcombing. I was shocked to hear how damaging it can be if not removed. This was from a very reputable hairdresser.

I've noticed he looks a lot thinner on the top which may be contributing to his discomfort of dealing with it. Because the knots will clump together and then his hair doesn't fall in a natural way so looks like it's pulling. Also he doesn't comb the knots out, he tears them out with his hands.

I feel awful for making him feel worse but I can't carry on watching him care so little about himself. I worry that the girls will grow up seeing such low confidence and self loathing and it will rub off on them. Yh I'm not 100% happy with my body. I had 2 children pretty young. Have a lot of big stretch marks on my stomach and sides. And breastfeeding has made my once amazing boobs, empty and low. But it is what it is and I need to do what I need to do to be happy with it. And if that's exercising then I'll exercise and eat healthy and try and l love myself as I don't want to spend the next 60 years looking in the mirror and wishing I was different.

I'm worried today that I may have pushed him into feeling worse. But I've skirted around the issue for 5 years and it's only getting worse. And I am worried that his bosses are unhappy with his appearance for work. I would be if he was my employee. I wouldn't be happy him meeting customers that spend millions of pounds a year with a messy knotty ponytail.

I know he has an awful lot of bad stuff from his passed. It's affected us enough. But I'm started to struggle with the lack of change and help he is willing to get. I will support him through counselling and dealing with his issues and help him. But I feel i can't support him and help him when he is refusing to help himself.

He needs to go to the barber or the GP.

He’s lucky he has you OP. You sound strong and very caring. He needs to get to the barbers and cut it off to show he’s serious about changing for the better.

Bad personal hygiene = deal breaker. He needs to shave his head and start again, new look, new attitude, new start.

Yes hair washing and regulating bathing are very important, and if he works in close proximity to others it will be unpleasant for them.
Long hair needs taking care of, and it doesn't sound like he can manage it.