To get so frustrated with Dp hair

[mamahanji]

I know I'm unreasonable. But I can't help how fucked off it's making me.

When we met, he had shoulder length hair that he looked after. As it got longer he started wearing it in a pony tail. He also nearly always wears a beanie hat.

I started noticing it was really messy and looked really knotty. Finally plucked up the courage and mentioned it. He was so embarrassed and uncomfortable that he just lashed out and refused to talk about it and told me I was shallow and embarrassed of him and it was none of my business.

Anyway he eventually talked to me about it and said that he couldn't get the knot out as it had got so bad. So I spent hours in the evenings working on the knot. I'm not joking it was the size of an orange and was solid dreaded hair. I had partial dreadlocks so I knew how to work them out.

After so many hours I finally told him I would have to cut it out and the inside of it was mouldy. Yh you read that right. The shampoo and conditioner gets trapped in the dreaded hair and goes mouldy.

He let me cut it out and I tried to sort out as much as I could but he wouldn't let me cut the rest to be the same length. He just put his hair back up and hat on and that's it.

Occasionally I mention to him about brushing his hair and he gets so annoyed and just lashed out or shuts down.

He refuses to deal with it.

He has a high position in his job, and is in charge of a lot of people. The work uniform isn't strict or even especially smart as it is on a work site but he also meets with very important customers from around the world.

His bosses have made subtle comments about his appearance which piss him off.

He refuses to accept that his hair looks awful. At its longest it is to his waist, shortest which is probably shoulder length a solid chunk at the back.

He has a very fancy and important work event coming up. We have 2 important family events that will be smart. And a few weddings coming up.

I have trichotillomanja. I know about hair embarrassment. But I know it's better to suck it up and deal with it and it removes the embarrassment!

He won't listen. His hair looks fucking awful. It's messy and looks like it hasn't been brushed in years. Which it hasn't!

What the hell do I do? It's genuinely upsetting me that he cares so little about himself and that his hair looks so disgustingly dirty and unkempt.

Part of the issue is that he does things for other people but never for himself.

I'll be completely honest. It's massively identifying but whatever. The relationship did not start well. I was just 19 and he was 22 and we were both massively depressed. It was a destructive relationship where we just drank, smoked, partied and slept. I fell pregnant pretty quickly which was a big surprise as we used contraception and I had severe polycystic ovaries and never had periods. I turned my life around and got better. Yes it's still a struggle and I always have that part of me that wants to sink back in to a depressive, selfish state, but most parts of me wants to do everything for my kids and wants to be happy with my life and myself.

I didn't know about his passed until I was already pregnant and we lived together. He had an awful childhood. Very emotional and physically abusive parents. Dad went to prison when he was 11. Mum kicked him out when he was 17 and he was homeless for a year. He has no support network. No family. No friends. My family support him entirely and my Mum especially treats him like one of her own.

He supported me when I had postnatal depression. He looked after me when I was very unwell in both pregnancies and after them too. The only reason I don't walk away is because I know that despite everything, me and the children mean everything to him.

I just wish he meant something to himself. And I can see how his passed is poisoning his future. He is traumatised. But he won't get help to deal with it.

It's very hard to say 'look I know your dad beat you black and blue but can you please just pull yourself together because your depression is annoying me.'

He's made a lot of changes for me already. I've asked for a lot of change from him because I felt that he wasn't honest when we met about any of his issues (inability to trust anyone. Pretty severe gambling problem. Anger issues.) and these were all things I didn't want in a relationship. He has changed. He is constantly trying to change. And I hate asking him to change something else. But for fucks sake I don't want him to change for me! I want him to be happy! I want him to do something for himself and make a healthy and positive decision not because he knows I will leave him if he doesn't, but because he wants to be a happy, better, secure person.

The more I type, the worse it sounds. And I feel awful for wanting him to be different. But I spent 4 year putting up with everything for fear of upsetting him at the expense of my self respect and happiness. I can't do that anymore. I'll never forgive myself if I live for someone else. And I do want to be with him. But that's not who he is right now. And I'm trying to help him back to a time he was happier.

I just feel it all starts with basic self care.

OP you sound lovely. And your DP sounds like a good partner, albeit with low self esteem. Keep reassuring that you love him (and his hair!!). I wouldn't recommend shaving it all off, my long haired ex shaved his to a number 1 once and he was so miserable about it afterwards.

Clearly he is washing if there was shampoo stuck in the knot. Maybe leave a wide tooth comb in the bath/shower, it's much easier to detangle with conditioner in than when it's dry.

Could you get a regular babysitter every now and then and do something together to build confidence - gym, swimming, bike ride, even just taking a nice walk and getting a lunch? It's hard to find the motivation to look after yourself when you're knackered, but a bit of self esteem and endorphins from elsewhere may have a knock on effect to his self confidence in other areas of his life, without you making it all about his hair.

Gentle encouragement to see a GP would be good but people can't really get help unless they really want it. Definitely don't make him think that he needs "fixing" - just that you love him and want him to get the most out of life and he doesn't seem happy right now.

Thank you so much for the kind words.

Sometimes he feels like I'm saying 'well if I can do it then so can you!' But I'm really trying to say 'I know how hard and painful it is. But I also know how much better it is!'

He does wash. He does clean his hair and it isn't dreaded at the moment. Just knotty and scruffy. He told me he brushed it all out for a meeting 4 weeks ago. And I pointed out it isn't normal to brush your hair once a month when it's so long!

I just wish he would let me cut it back to shoulder length. One straight line and then he doesn't have to worry about different length hair and the sheer length of it.

I don't want to think about if he refuses go get help and change. Because it feels really wrong saying you will leave someone you love because they were unwell.

But at the same time, things have been really hard lately. I have 2 young children that have been unwell for practically the last 5 months. I haven't slept in weeks. My sister who I am incredibly close to is moving to another continent in 3 weeks. I have to deal with the regular insecurities and uncertainties of my future and whether I can ever do the things I want to do after having no qualifications and education and having children and not being able to afford to work. Watching everyone's life progress and their careers and relationships and hobbies all moving forward. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing still and waving at everyone fly passed me. I try and remain positive and just see the good of where I am and be optimistic and committed to the future.

But it feels like I'm trying to swim, and he is holding on to my ankle trying to pull me down. And I know he isn't doing it because he wants me to struggle. It's because he can't swim. I'm just massively struggling keeping everyone around me afloat that I feel like they have to stand on my head to be able to be above water.

Sorry if those analogies don't make sense! It makes sense in my head!

Get the scissors out while he's asleep 😂

Well the talk went really well and he promised he would sort it at the weekend. He is currently washing and deep conditioning his hair and then I have free reign to cut it!

I must say I'm really proud of him for facing the issue so quickly.

Wow well done op. You are a considerate & lovely partner

That's really good news, OP .

Completely brushed and conditioned and 9 inches off! It now sits just below the shoulder and looks like it did when we first met. He's still insecure about it but it's the first step!

He'll be swishing it around saying 'because I'm worth it!' in no time. Keep talking and loving

Aw, good for him. Sounds like a nice guy. His work will be pleased too.

Hope he gets some compliments at work to boost his confidence.

Fantastic, well done.

Lovely!
I was going to suggest you ran him a bath, and led him upstairs and washed him in it, like you do the DCs - kindly, gently, lovingly, no agenda. To make him feel cherished.
But it sounds like this is not needed.
You sound like a very kind, caring person. He is lucky to have you there for him.

Well done

We had a chat before hand and I asked him if he felt I was forcing him into this. And he said no he doesn't feel forced as he wants me to be happy and if that means cutting his hair then that's fine, but he does feel that it's for my own benefit from embarrassment.

I tried to explain how it was more about wanting to be with him and it hurting seeing him so neglectful of his basic needs and wanting him to be happy and healthy.

He has a long term pain condition and was told he would likely be in a wheelchair by 40. I've told him I will spend the rest of my life pushing him around and looking after him and I won't resent him for it. But I will resent him if he carries on running towards that prognosis by neglecting himself so much!

I like to think he doesn't think I'm embarrassed and selfish but actually out of love. Again hopefully I can lead by example, I've started exercising and eating better and have lost inches already and 5kg and feel a lot better. Have also sorted my own counselling out.

I'm really proud of him though. It isn't easy making changes like this.

Thank you for all your kind words and advice. It means a lot.

Well done OP (and OP's partner)! Sounds like you handled it perfectly.

Honestly it sounds like the cut was the best option - for him. With his hair in that state it was definitely damaged and unhealthy, especially if he’s tearing out tangles and had mould....At least if he wants to grow it back out now, it will grow in healthier and hopefully not be a knotted and messy etc. He can look after it and maintain the longer length without looking unkempt and feeling insecure

DH had long hair when we were first together. I was blunt and just told him that having long hair takes effort and a hat isn't appropriate for all situations , I have long , thick curly hair so I know it's a pain, I suggested some visiting products etc but it largely feel on deaf ears. Looking back it was all about his self esteem, i think he was depressed and not feeling good about himself, his career, how he was being treated in the industry he'd trained his whole life to be in and if it was well to abandon the career he'd waxed lyrical about dive his teens (that thinking was challenged pretty quickly). He got a new job in a different industry after confessing how crap he was feeling and the week before he started he just came home with short hair, beard professionally trimmed and a smile on his face and other than a slightly disastrous Johnny bravo cut a few months ago, he's quite particular about his hair these days. This is about more than hair OP x

Sorry thought I'd posted that yesterday, came back to check update and posted it now. You've been an amazing support to him OP, hopefully he'll consider getting some professional therapy for his sake and to lessen the strain on you x