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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DH's scar

48 replies

upsideup · 25/04/2018 16:53

DH has a huge, deep scar on the on the inside of his forearm, we have been together 12 years and I have no idea where it is from.
I asked him about it when I first noticed it and he said he didn't want to talk about it yet and so I assumed eventually he would just tell me but I asked again once we were living together, again when we got married, when we had DC and he still didn't tell me, now pregnant with DC5 and I haven't mentioned it to him in years and had up until recently accepted it and just stopped noticing it.

The DC every year or so ask him how it happened and normally he says he doesn't remember or that he fell over and then changes the subject, a few days ago though he told them he was born with it, he's never said that before and its definitely not true but they believe that is what happened and now its probably never going to be mentioned again.

Hes normally really honest with me, I know about other really traumatic events from his past, I know the cause of the other two big scars on his body which were both from serious accidents, we've talked about this all a lot and it normally helps him to talk about these things. I already know l would be unreasonable to expect him to tell me everything and he obviously doesn't want me to know so am also never going to mention it again. But I feel almost annoyed that I am probably going to live the rest of my life with him and never find out this thing which obviously is a really big deal for him and I feel hurt that he doesn't want me to know. Its the first thing I've started to notice when I see him and I keep envisioning ways it could have happened, suddenly its really, really bothering me.

AIBU to be so bothered by this now? Would you be?

OP posts:

someonewhowonders · 25/04/2018 16:57

I would want to know the sane as you. Others will say it's no ones business but his but being his wife I'd expect him to have told you already. Can you talk to his parents in confidence about it or a sibling?

MatildaTheCat · 25/04/2018 16:57

Yes, in all honesty because it has to be something that really troubles him and he can’t or won’t share that with you.

Does he have any history of mh issues you are aware of? If it was self harm, for example, might he be worried about the stigma?

flumpybear · 25/04/2018 16:58

I recall you mentioning this in another thread ages ago and thought it strange then. Did he have a questionable upbringing? Maybe the mental scar is worse?

BringMeCoffeePlease · 25/04/2018 17:03

I would feel the same as you. I would want to know. But it seems that he is mentally scarred.

I would tell him that it upsets you that he won't talk to you about it.

liz70 · 25/04/2018 17:03

It's his body and his business whether or not to tell you. Just because you're married and have children with someone, doesn't give you the right to know every single detail about them, past or present. YABU to be annoyed. Don't push it any further or you risk alienating him.

KirstenRaymonde · 25/04/2018 17:05

I have a similar scar, it’s from a suicide attempt. He may well not want to tell you as it’s something he really struggles with, but you’re not BU to feel he should tell you after 12 years together. Does he know how upsetting you find it that he won’t tell you? Do you think he’s worried you’ll judge him?

Original poster

upsideup · 25/04/2018 17:07

He had a pretty bad childhood, he is a recovering alcoholic but I dont think it could be a scar from self harming, Its basically like a whole chunk of his inside of his forearm has been cut out, there was definately surgery or some kind of medical treatment involved.
I'm sure his dad and some of his friends would know and I have debated asking before but I dont think I could do that to him.

OP posts:

pigpoglet · 25/04/2018 17:08

Are you sure he wasn't born with it ? I.e another limb attached and they removed it ? Babies are sometimes born with extra bits but they whip it off fairly quickly . Maybe he is embarrassed if this is the case ( although obvs he shouldn't be ) .

Tentomidnight · 25/04/2018 17:12

My DH has a couple of large scars. The one from major surgery as a child he explained to me straight off. The other one was something he really didn’t want to talk about. I think he was worried that I would view him differently if he told me. It turned out to be surgery too, but the difference was that all the emotions that went with it were difficult for him to dredge up.

In your position I would tell your DH that you understand that he might not want to talk about it, but that you are hurt that he is shutting you out.

Northernparent68 · 25/04/2018 17:13

Can’t you let it go ? He does nt to talk about it, and does it matter anyway ?

MasterLeonard · 25/04/2018 17:13

If he doesn't want to talk about it, and is otherwise communicative/well-adjusted, I think you should leave it. I have a couple of traumatic incidents in my past that I've dealt with in my own way (no physical reminders though), that I have no intention of ever discussing with DH. It doesn't mean I don't love or trust him, it means the subject is closed for me and my mental health. If DH were to get hold of some 'clue' and keep poking for answers, I think I'd really resent it.

mistermagpie · 25/04/2018 17:15

I do think this is a bit strange and would feel the same as you. If he trusts you enough to have you as the mother of his children then I would think he could trust you with the story about his arm.

I can only assume it's something traumatic and he doesn't want to relive that, which is fair enough, but I do find it surprising that in 12 years it has never come up. Of course it's his body and his past, but things being 'none of your business' in a permanent, committed relationship isn't something I can relate to.

ConciseandNice · 25/04/2018 17:15

YABU. He may be your life partner but it happened before you knew him and it doesn’t or shouldn’t impact on you. Nobody has a right to know everything about someone else. We’re all entitled to privacy. We’ve been married for twenty years and my husband has all sorts of emotional and physical scars. He doesn’t want to talk about them and I’ve no right to demand it.

Bambamber · 25/04/2018 17:16

Please don't ask other people, that would be horribly disrespectful. I can understand it is frustrating and hurtful but I personally think you need to let it go and accept that you will likely never know. It sounds as though he's been through a lot and if he doesn't want to talk about something specific, as much as it may hurt you I would respect his wishes

I have things from my past that my husband would like to know about, but it's just too traumatic for me to talk about. He has accepted that he will never know a lot of my younger years. If he kept pushing to find out more it would cause a huge strain on the relationship, and if he went as far as asking my parents i don't think I could forgive him

PatchworkWomble · 25/04/2018 17:17

If he genuinely has no intention of ever opening up about this, I'm not really sure why he hasn't got a believable lie at hand. He could have told it to you and the kids years ago to avoid the pressure to explain it.

I totally get why you want him to open up and I also get that he is choosing not to. I think you'll just have to leave it. Definitely don't ask someone else.

TheFirstMrsDV · 25/04/2018 17:17

If its a very large scar isn't it unlikely to be something that happened as a baby?
I used to type up medical reports and the consultants used to stress that children's scars would seem smaller as the child's bodies grew.

Carveitup · 25/04/2018 17:17

I did something really stupid and embarrassing once, so embarrassing and stupid that I am not even going to share it under a cloak of anonymity here. I ended up in a foreign hospital having 75 stitches with no anaesthetic, a medevac flight home courtesy of my insurers, an operation in the UK complete with medical bodge due to UK doctors misinterpreting foreign doctors letter explaining what they had already done, and a subsequent MRSA infection as a result of the bodge. It was an entirely self inflicted wound, although completely accidental. Do I own up to what I did? Do I fuck! My husband only knows because I did it on our honeymoon he wasn’t involved, it was all my own work!) I would be suitably vague though if I had not met him at that point in my life, such was the stupidity of my actions.

Hobnobsarenotfordunking · 25/04/2018 17:19

Carveitup we all want to know what is was now!!!

Original poster

upsideup · 25/04/2018 17:20

We have a photo in our living room of him hanging on the monkey bars about aged 12 and there is definately no scar then.

Also I said in my OP: I already know l would be unreasonable to expect him to tell me everything and he obviously doesn't want me to know so am also never going to mention it again

OP posts:

IntoTheFloodAgain · 25/04/2018 17:21

Try to put yourself in his position.

If he knew that you’d been through something traumatic, and you wouldn’t/couldn’t talk about it, how would you feel if he was annoyed that you wouldn’t tell him?

morningconstitutional2017 · 25/04/2018 17:21

I think it would bother me if I were in the same position as you but try to look at it this way - if the scar were yours would you want to 'reveal all' if the circumstances were very distressing? It might be better not to push it.

I think that many of us have things from our pasts which we don't want to dredge up. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, just that some things need to stay in the past.

RatherBeRiding · 25/04/2018 17:22

You say you've not mentioned it in years so maybe he just assumes you no longer wonder about it.

If it bothers you that much, try to work round to the topic gently and you will soon know if he seems open to talking about it - or not. If the latter, then leave it. Whatever it is, if he really doesn't want to talk about then you just have to accept that.

Coveredinbeeeeeeeeeeeees · 25/04/2018 17:24

I understand your curiosity totally. I'm glad you're being respectful of him not wanting to tell you. It's hard because you're not supposed to have secrets in marriage but it's obviously a big deal to him emotionally so you need to respect that, but when someone won't tell you something it makes you want to know even more!

pigpoglet · 25/04/2018 17:25

I'd want to know to be honest , I guess it's something he is embarrassed by but seems a bit weird he won't share .

StormTreader · 25/04/2018 17:26

Did he maybe have a big tattoo with an exes name where he got really drunk after they broke up and tried to remove it himself at home?

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