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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DH's scar

48 replies

upsideup · 25/04/2018 16:53

DH has a huge, deep scar on the on the inside of his forearm, we have been together 12 years and I have no idea where it is from.
I asked him about it when I first noticed it and he said he didn't want to talk about it yet and so I assumed eventually he would just tell me but I asked again once we were living together, again when we got married, when we had DC and he still didn't tell me, now pregnant with DC5 and I haven't mentioned it to him in years and had up until recently accepted it and just stopped noticing it.

The DC every year or so ask him how it happened and normally he says he doesn't remember or that he fell over and then changes the subject, a few days ago though he told them he was born with it, he's never said that before and its definitely not true but they believe that is what happened and now its probably never going to be mentioned again.

Hes normally really honest with me, I know about other really traumatic events from his past, I know the cause of the other two big scars on his body which were both from serious accidents, we've talked about this all a lot and it normally helps him to talk about these things. I already know l would be unreasonable to expect him to tell me everything and he obviously doesn't want me to know so am also never going to mention it again. But I feel almost annoyed that I am probably going to live the rest of my life with him and never find out this thing which obviously is a really big deal for him and I feel hurt that he doesn't want me to know. Its the first thing I've started to notice when I see him and I keep envisioning ways it could have happened, suddenly its really, really bothering me.

AIBU to be so bothered by this now? Would you be?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 17:35

I think YABU.

RBBMummy · 25/04/2018 17:35

Sometime people move on from things and shut the door behind them. It's healthy to want to keep that door shut. He could have had an accident, he could have done it to himself, someone could have done it to him, doesn't really matter. At this point he probably doesn't actually remember off the top or his head. It doesn't matter. Trying to open that door could do some serious damage so just be happy he's happy.

Lovemusic33 · 25/04/2018 17:38

I don’t think you will ever find out from him, I would be tempted to ask his dad, I don’t think you should push your dh to tell you as he obviously doesn’t want to talk about it.

WeAllHaveWings · 25/04/2018 17:45

I would really want to know, secrecy bothers me, but I know that's my problem and I would try hard to respect his desire to not discuss something that is obviously sensitive for him.

Do not go behind his back and ask his family, if he doesn't want you to know that would be a breach of his trust.

flubdub · 25/04/2018 17:47

I'd want to know too, but I suppose you can't make him tell you if he doesn't want to.
Ask his dad?

Aridane · 25/04/2018 17:53

Leave alone - have some respect and boundaries

MallorieArcher · 25/04/2018 18:01

I have a scar and I have been with DH for 22 years. I have never told him what it is from and I won't because I don't want to think about it, and it is liable to be upsetting for him to hear.
I have told him this and he was ok with it. Please don't push, your DH is entitled to have some thing he doesn't want to/have to share

liz70 · 25/04/2018 18:11

"Did he maybe have a big tattoo with an exes name where he got really drunk after they broke up and tried to remove it himself at home?"

Or maybe he's a FTM transman, the scar is from where they took flesh to make a fake willy, and their children were actually conceived with anonymous donor sperm sold illegally on the internet.

Seriously, enough speculating on the web about a private individual that noone here apart from the OP has met, or is ever likely to meet.

StormTreader · 25/04/2018 18:27

-5 points to liz for posting a better-than-thou comment.
Is there some kind of sticker album for these people are working towards?

Original poster

upsideup · 25/04/2018 19:49

I'm not going to push it, I am just going to have to try and put it to the back of my mind like I a managed to before and accept I am probably never going to find out.
Its not a self removed tattoo of an ex's name and hes definately not FTM transgender though.

OP posts:

Dozer · 25/04/2018 19:53

Drinking accident?

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 25/04/2018 19:56

My husband has a scar on his back. Once when I was rubbing suncream on his back I asked what it was. He said he was stabbed. Wouldn't tell me anything else. Totally shut down the conversation. That was 8 years ago and I still don't know any more. Like you i feel a bit upset that he didn't want to share with me, but also totally respect his privacy.

UndomesticHousewife · 25/04/2018 19:59

I think I would find it hard that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me about it.
I am different to you in that I don’t think I would have married him as dramatic as it may sound.
Some people would be fine with it and that’s fine but I couldn’t marry someone if we didn’t have that closeness and trust.
It obviously bothers you so why don’t you lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel.

Ginger1982 · 25/04/2018 20:05

Maybe he got into a fight or it comes from some illegal activity?

MissionItsPossible · 25/04/2018 20:11

People are naturally curious as evidenced in this thread (not judging because I’m really curious as to what it is too) but I agree with another poster that said that trying to find out behind their back would put a strain on the relationship so please don’t do that. I think it’s going to have to be something you have to drop. I have friendships lasting over a decade who know I have a tattoo but have never seen all of it because I got it done when I was in a completely dark place and now always keep it covered up. They used to always ask or try and lift my sleeve up to see it but when I pointed out it was really upsetting me they backed off.

sparklefluff · 25/04/2018 20:12

My husband has what sounds like a pretty similar scar, it's where he had an abscess during cancer, and the hole in his forearm has a skin graft over the top.
Did he have any traumatic illnesses?
I don't think YABU, it's part of his history it's natural to want to know.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 25/04/2018 20:13

I am SO nosy I would definitely feel the same way as you. I wouldn’t push it though, knowing isn’t more important than him feeling discomfort about it.

NukaColaGirl · 25/04/2018 20:20

I have a scar similar to what you describe. I did it to myself with a meat cleaver when I was 17 (I’m now 32). After a series of extremely traumatic events in a very short space of time.

I don’t explain my scar to anyone. My Dad knows because he came home from work to find me swinging it for a second time, pissing blood all over the kitchen and rushed me to A&E. Explaining what I did means explaining why I did it. Only ExDP knows. I never told my ExH (who was after ExDP.)

Somethings are just too painful for people to speak about, I’ve wanted to tell people before but the words choke me and I just can’t do it.

NukaColaGirl · 25/04/2018 20:22

It also means explaining I then spent a month in a psychiatric ward which I’d also rather avoid discussing.

ToffeePennie · 25/04/2018 20:35

I have a extremely visible scar running the full length of my chest.
I hate it, I hate when people ask me about it (it basically “centres” my cleavage) and I hate telling people why I have it. I’m glad I grew boobs to hide it as much as possible but I still hate the fact that there was a point in my childhood where I was cut from pelvic bone to chin.
It disgusts me and it’s the only thing I would change about my body if I could.
My husband knows how I got it and he knows to avoid mentioning it or touching it.
We have been together 13 years. I dread when my kids finally notice and ask about it but that day is inevitable.
If it’s something that upsets him that much I would drop it.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 25/04/2018 20:39

I think I would want to know, too. DH has a lot of scars and I know how he got each one - the one he is most self conscious about is on his head and is much more noticeable now since his chemo as his hair has thinned a lot. He doesn't really like talking about that one, but it isn't because it was particularly traumatic - it is the result of a childhood accident where he split his head open, he is embarrassed at how it happened.

I don't really have any suggestions, but maybe he is embarrassed rather than traumatised?

Redpriestandmozart · 25/04/2018 20:54

He could be embarrassed about it. On our first date I noticed in a certain light my new boyfriend had a slash on his face. After much questioning he admitted when he was four he stole his father's razor and tried to shave, had to be rushed to A&E for stitching. He's was totally mortified about it. Thirty years on and it is no longer visible and he isn't able to tell the story at functions now! It could be a very embarrassing story.

IDontLikeZombies · 25/04/2018 21:00

I think if you otherwise have a good relationship and you trust him to do the right thing by you the best thing would be to respect his wishes and leave it.

However, if your thoughts are taking you to terrible places it might be good to tell him that and see what he says.

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