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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be married before I move in with someone again

37 replies

Montisse · 25/04/2018 16:46

I’m 40 with one toddler dd. I’ve had a few long term relationships, lived with 3 different DPs since my late teens, never married.

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months, it’s going great, at some point I expect we’ll want to live together. But I’ve been thinking lately that I’d actually really prefer to be married, and possibly before we move in together. AIBU? Is it better to live with someone before marrying them to check we get on ok living together? Or would making the commitment of marriage first make it more likely that both of us will be more diligent about making it work? I say that because men I’ve lived with in the past have seemed to become more complacent once we’ve started living together, and I probably did too.

I realise a whole load of factors will play into whether or not the relationship will work and there isn’t necessarily one right or wrong way to do it, but I’ve got this ‘getting married first’ thing in my head and just wondered what others’ thoughts were.

OP posts:
Chocolate1984 · 25/04/2018 16:51

I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Original poster
Montisse · 25/04/2018 16:53

Oh by the way I’m not considering moving in OR getting married to this man yet, it’s obviously only been a few months! Just thinking ahead/generally really

OP posts:
Camomila · 25/04/2018 16:53

I know a good handful of people (youngish too! Late 20s/Early 30s) who only moved in with their partners after marriage and they don't seem to have any more problems in their relationships than the rest of us.

Having said that they are all from foreign and/or religious backgrounds where it's more usual.

Justmuddlingalong · 25/04/2018 16:54

But they or you could become complacent after marriage too. It's your choice of course but personally I'd prefer to try before I buy.

violet0805 · 25/04/2018 16:56

I don't think you can ever really know someone properly before living with them. What if you marry then find out you can't live with eachother?

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/04/2018 16:56

I think it depends on your personal circumstances and those of any potential future partner.

Do you own your own home? Do you have other assets (savings? Pension etc?) If you marry your husband would have claim to those assets (and you would have a claim on his). As you already have a child it may be preferable to remain unmarried if you wish to keep finances separate and for your child to benefit from those assets.

I would seek legal/financial advice as and when the time comes.

SendintheArdwolves · 25/04/2018 16:59

It does seem like a gamble to marry someone if you've never seen their actual day-to-day domestic habits. Could you compromise and only move in when marriage had been discussed and agreed on? So you could live together for a year and if at the end of that time you were both still happy, go ahead and book the ceremony.

MrPottergaveDobbyaSock · 25/04/2018 17:01

I don't think it's marriage that's actually important here. If you're with the right person then whether you're married or not wont make a bit of difference. Equally, if you move in with the wrong person then being marriage wont save it, in fact it massively complicates things.

You're not U for feeling this way, but I reckon you're seeing marriage as a 'binder' to a relationship when in reality it's not.

Bambamber · 25/04/2018 17:01

I don't think either way is particularly wrong, although I would always live with someone before marrying them (and always with my own separate savings).

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 17:02

Nothing wrong with that at all. As long as you're on the same page and happy about that.

Parky04 · 25/04/2018 17:07

My DW and I didn't live together before we got married. Still going strong 23 years later!

butTIRFlies · 25/04/2018 17:07

I'd always want to live with someone before marrying them.

It's a big test on a relationship and you want to know if you pass it before making the whole arrangement legal.

Original poster
Montisse · 25/04/2018 17:11

I think it’s more perhaps that if he isn’t prepared to marry me then he’s not committed enough for me to want to live with him!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 25/04/2018 17:12

I wouldn't, not a chance in hell. But that's because the only two partners I've lived with have turned out to be surprise domestic horrors once we moved in together. There's nothing wrong with wanting marriage first and if it suits both of you the next that's absolutely fine; but the flip side of the security marriage gives you is the tie that's harder to break if everything goes tits up within the year.

DairyisClosed · 25/04/2018 17:12

If I found myself single with children at home I would probably do the same. I wouldn't want someone coming in and out of their lives. Obviously marriage is not a guarantee but it is a fairly big commitment.

Firesuit · 25/04/2018 17:13

Before you move in, set a wedding date for two years after you moving date. You both get time to realise what the other is really like to live with, and if neither backs out then the wedding won't fail to happen due to apathy/complacency.

Annabelle4 · 25/04/2018 17:21

I don't think you truly know anyone until you've lived with them.

For that reason, I wouldn't dream of getting married first

Original poster
Montisse · 25/04/2018 17:21

Yeah I think engagement first is probably the best idea

OP posts:
GreenStars · 25/04/2018 17:22

I personally think it's nuts to marry someone you haven't lived with.

CountFosco · 25/04/2018 17:27

Since you already have a child and at 40 and in a new relationship will probably not be planning any more I'd say no. You want to secure the assets you currently have for your child, not give someone unrelated to your child prior claim.

If you did not have a child I'd say it doesn't make a difference if you get married before you move in together or not.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2018 17:30

Not only is it nuts to consider marrying someone you haven't tried living with, but what about your child?

Surely you'll want to see how well they manage to live together, as she has no choice in it really.

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/04/2018 17:30

@montisse in your situation I think it's really important to separate out the the romantic/commitment elements of marriage and the contractual/legal elements. In your situation the contractual/legal elements might actually not work in your favour, to the point where it might be better to never marry. I would really advise that you seek proper advise I this before making any decisions.

OreoMini · 25/04/2018 17:44

I wouldn’t marry someone that Iv never lived with before.Confused

swingofthings · 25/04/2018 17:48

Good luck finding a man willing to do that, especially a man who has gathered some assets of his own.

OneStepSideways · 25/04/2018 17:54

I wouldn't recommend it. You don't really know someone until you live together. It's like a trial to see if you're compatible. What if you married then realised you don't like living in the same house, or that he has lots of annoying habits you can't live with? Divorce is so expensive. Also he could have a claim on your assets, unless you get a pre-nup.

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