To want to be married before I move in with someone again

[Montisse]

I’m 40 with one toddler dd. I’ve had a few long term relationships, lived with 3 different DPs since my late teens, never married.

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months, it’s going great, at some point I expect we’ll want to live together. But I’ve been thinking lately that I’d actually really prefer to be married, and possibly before we move in together. AIBU? Is it better to live with someone before marrying them to check we get on ok living together? Or would making the commitment of marriage first make it more likely that both of us will be more diligent about making it work? I say that because men I’ve lived with in the past have seemed to become more complacent once we’ve started living together, and I probably did too.

I realise a whole load of factors will play into whether or not the relationship will work and there isn’t necessarily one right or wrong way to do it, but I’ve got this ‘getting married first’ thing in my head and just wondered what others’ thoughts were.

Christ I love my dp- love love love him- been together for a long time, but we don’t yet live together. If he said to me ‘Ellen, for us to live together, we’d need to be married for me to feel secure’ i would run a sodding mile.
He annoys me when he does stay over- I dread to think what annoying habits he doesn’t show me! And me to him! He sees the tidy Ellen, that clears up as she goes along and has her shit together- he’s never seen the Ellen that’s sobbing into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s watching shite on mtv having not picked up the kids mess and laundry all over the place because I needed to kick back and think about me not everyone else! Can you imagine what you’d be showing your newly married husband? How long it’d take you to relax and show the less than perfect you? I can’t even... 😱😱 it’s giving me palpitations lol

I wouldn’t live with someone before marriage, you’re less likely to divorce if you marry before rather than after cohabiting.

I think it’s a really bad idea to marry someone without having lived with them, especially when there is a child involved. What happens if he moves in post wedding and is a shit to your kid?

I think it’s risky. I lived with someone who seemed 100% perfect for me beforehand and I was certain he was the one for me, but as soon as we moved in together I started seeing this other side to him that I’d never been aware of before. Plus all his little habits and mess drove me mad.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to be engaged beforehand though as it gives that extra bit of commitment

There’s no way I’d marry a man without living with him and having sex with him first.

I did an in between thing, we didn't move in together until the church had been booked.

So we were I guess 3 months engaged at that point?

It worked well from my perspective - by the time we got married we'd been living together a year and the teething troubles of cohabiting were largely ironed out. But at the same time the date was set and we had told everyone and it was a nice feeling.

We were engaged and planning a wedding. Our plan was engaged-rent house-plan wedding-buy house-wedding-have children and so far it’s worked.

How it was always done - virgin until marriage then move in together.
Also you had a toddler so probably have a reasonable home owned or rented and might want to be sure this man is to be with you for life and prepared to be a step father.

DH and I hadn’t lived together when we get married 27 years ago.

I only lived together after marriage (well, we signed the tenancy a week before the wedding). I wish I hadn’t . A year or so of daily mundane contact would have shown me he’s a shit.

Nothing unreasonable with feeling like this OP, but personally I'd never marry someone I hadn't lived with. Living with someone throws up all kinds of issues

I wouldn’t marry someone without living with them as I really believe you don’t know someone until you live with them