I miscarried... and some family members haven't contacted me.

[gibson2018]

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and both my sister and SIL haven’t contacted me.

My mum says it’s because she told them I didn’t want to talk about it.

But I think when someone is going through something traumatic, obviously they don’t want to talk about it but you can still send a message of support? My other sister, friends and work colleagues have all said 'if you want to talk about it, I'm here' or words to that effect.

My SIL contacted me a few weeks ago when I was only just PG as she is pregnant too. She was bleeding and worried so I talked her through what to do, where to go, and then supported her through the next couple of weeks on and off, so it feels like a kick in the teeth.

AIBU to expect contact from them? DM says it’s her fault as she told them I didn’t want to talk about it but if it was me, I would still ask after that person.

Who is BU?

I’d say it’s because you’ve not directly contacted them to open it up for discussion.

My brother told me last month that my SIL had a miscarriage of twins at 9wks via FB messenger, so I was very supportive towards him and asking after her, but I’ve yet to discuss it with her because she hasn’t said anything. I kind of assumed because she didn’t reach out that she isn’t seeking my support, and tbh we don’t have a close relationship in the slightest so this didn’t really give me reason for pause. I just supported my brother since he reached out directly.

I've been in a similar situation recently but on the opposite side.
My SIL who I am friendly with but not close to had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks. She is a very private person and she had not told us she was pregnant.
When MIL told me she said that SIL didn't want to talk about it.
I had my phone in my hand so many times to send her a message but then I worried that it would be intrusive. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel awkward or uncomfortable at what was already a difficult time.
I feel badly about it though and wish I had gone with my instinct.

I have been on both sides of this. I was shocked and upset when no one contacted me when I was told that my baby was unlikely to be alive at 12 weeks. It turned out that my "best friend" had taken it upon herself to ring round and tell people not to contact me. I was desperate for support and felt abandoned.

A totally different scenario - an acquaintance was going through a very tough situation and I sent a message through a third party offering to help in a specific way on a particular day. I received a reply from the third party saying thanks but it wasn't needed on this occasion and I left it with the message "The offer is there - just let me know if it would help at any time." Years later I found out that the acquaintance was hurt that I never offered again.

I would ask your mum to let them know she made a mistake and that you would love to hear from them. I am sure that your mum did it for the best of reasons - unlike my friend - and will be keen to support you by contacting them.

gibson2018 , I feel for you. I lost my first baby at 16 weeks and my FIL said to me "it's not the end of the world" which of course it was to me. I often remember that baby as it was due on Christmas Eve.

YANBU.

All it would take is a text saying “I know you don’t want to talk about it but i wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you and I’m here if you want to talk.”

Unfortunately you can’t judge other people by your own yard stick. You may contact them if the situation was reversed, but if my mum told me a family member didn’t want to talk about something I’d probably leave it a while.
Sorry you’re going through this :(