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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I miscarried... and some family members haven't contacted me.

56 replies

gibson2018 · 25/04/2018 09:27

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and both my sister and SIL haven’t contacted me.

My mum says it’s because she told them I didn’t want to talk about it.

But I think when someone is going through something traumatic, obviously they don’t want to talk about it but you can still send a message of support? My other sister, friends and work colleagues have all said 'if you want to talk about it, I'm here' or words to that effect.

My SIL contacted me a few weeks ago when I was only just PG as she is pregnant too. She was bleeding and worried so I talked her through what to do, where to go, and then supported her through the next couple of weeks on and off, so it feels like a kick in the teeth.

AIBU to expect contact from them? DM says it’s her fault as she told them I didn’t want to talk about it but if it was me, I would still ask after that person.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 25/04/2018 10:14

KIND of, but I had an early miscarriage and although very few people knew (I literally started bleeding the day I started tentatively telling people), I honestly didn't feel that there was much to discuss (I wasn't bottling up any hidden grief either). Everyone is different.

I'm not suggesting that everyone wants to discuss but you should at least send a message of support and open the lines of communication so that if the person wants to discuss they can. You would do that if someone was bereaved (I hope) and I don't think that this circumstance is any different. OP's friends and work colleagues got that. My friends and colleagues got that so I can't help but think the families lack of communication has more to do with it suiting them to ignore it than anything else. OP is upset because she has lost her baby.

Carboholic · 25/04/2018 10:19

I'm sorry OP.

I'd say your DM is being unreasonable here. Don't blame your sister and SIL.

When you are ready to talk, send them a message and I'm sure they'll be supportive.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 25/04/2018 10:20

OP-inn so sorry for your loss. It's truly a horrible upsetting time

I can understand your hurt at them not being in touch. Having gone through a miscarriage myself, I found some people thought it best to avoid me for a few weeks. People just don't seem to know what to say, worried they'll upset you more.

People grieve differently, and some like the comfort of family around them and some want to be left alone.
I'm wondering if perhaps your husband or someone has told people it's best to leave you alone right now?

It gets easier in time

Allaboutalex · 25/04/2018 10:21

This exact thing happened to me, my DH told them. After the weekend passed I was upset neither of them got in touch, mentioned it to my dh that I was a bit disappointed, he told me He had told them that I didn’t want to talk about it.

So I just texted both and said “glad dh told you guys, I’m doing ok, just a bit sad”. Both of them came back straight away telling me they were so glad I texted and they were torn cos they wanted to respect our wishes not to talk but they wanted to offer as much support as possible.

Justanotherzombie · 25/04/2018 10:22

If a person hasn’t told me personally about their miscarriage I wouldn’t be jumping in there with two left feet sending cards etc. As pointed out everyone is different and until the person themselves told me (Not just a third party) it would be inappropriate to assume they are ok with me talking about it or even knowing about it! Often third parties tell people when the person didn’t want them to!

dandelion102017 · 25/04/2018 10:22

First of all I'm really sorry for the loss of your baby, it truly is a horrific time for anyone to go through- more often than not its a very lonely time too.
Secondly I think society is to blame for this for 2 reasons. As other posters have said, a lot of people still don't regard miscarriage as a loss no matter how far along you were or the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy, because it happens so often people are quick to disregard it which is awful and devastating for the person/ family facing it. The second reason is that baby/child loss is horrific- no other way to describe it, horrific for the person going through it and horrific for anyone to even imagine. Its so awful that people rarely ever acknowledge it because they don't want to upset themselves or you.
I lost my son full term during labour and I think in total 3 people asked me his name and acknowledged his death so I understand how awful and frustrating this is for you.
I am part of a few groups on facebook which have helped so much! You are able to talk to people who know exactly what you are going through and we are able to talk about our children without the stigma attached to it all. You are not unreasonable to expect contact and support but unfortunately you may have to seek it out (I know, its absurd!) always situations like these that show you who is worth their weight in gold! xxx

Eminado · 25/04/2018 10:24

I am sorry for your loss OP. I also lost one at the same stage.

My experience is that sometimes people are only able to fully empathise once they have been in the same situation themselves.

I have also come to realise that expecting other people to behave how I would behave is a recipe for disappointment.

Assuming no back story, believe the best of these people, trust in your relationships and accept that they were probably trying not to cause you more pain. If you feel sad, reach out to them and I am sure they will be there for you.

Sorry again for your loss

mindutopia · 25/04/2018 10:24

Have you talked to them about the mc yourself? Or have they only heard about it secondhand? In my experience, if you don’t open up to people directly then they often tend to just give you space until they do. I had lovely support from friends and my SIL when I had my mc, but only after I talked to them about it. No one who heard about it through someone else really came and talked to me. Grief is difficult for anyone to deal with and if you’re seeming to just be keeping it to yourself then it’s likely they are respecting your way of dealing with it. But if you talk to them about it, it gives them a way to be there to support you. I don’t think you can expect them to be mind readers though. If you are close, they very likely would want to be there for you if they knew that’s what you need.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 25/04/2018 10:25

They have been told to leave you alone so they are leaving you alone. Accept this and don't torment yourself over it. Take it at face value.

I'm sorry for your loss. Such a difficult time.

Louiselouie0890 · 25/04/2018 10:26

It sounds like they're trying to respect you. Especially the one that's pregnant. If my mother told me not to talk about it and I was pregnant I'd definitely think it's because it was too much for you at the moment. If I'm making sense

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/04/2018 10:30

I'm not a nasty person, but I'm not good at understanding how others might feel about something I've not experienced myself. I'd keep well away for fear of saying the wrong thing. Although you'd be in my thoughts and I'd be asking those closer to you how you were.

NotBurpeesAgain · 25/04/2018 10:37

I am sorry for your loss.
I think many people are really embarrassed and don't know how to react when a loved one has a miscarriage.
I lost a boy in January at 18 weeks (so after we had announced the pregnancy to extended family) and many people did not contact me at all - not because they did not care, but because they did not know what to say.
I hope you can find the support you need.

Bluelady · 25/04/2018 10:39

So very sorry, OP. My bet is that they'll be thinking of you and wanting to get in touch.

Our niece had a miscarriage and I so wanted to let her know how sorry I was and that I really felt for her. I was warned off by her MiL (my SiL) and have regretted it ever since. It's horrible and you deserve as much support as you can get. 💐

bonnyshide · 25/04/2018 10:40

It seems like your mum has told them not to contact you.

GruffaIo · 25/04/2018 10:41

I am sorry for your loss OP.

With my own experience (two miscarriages in a row last year, and no children), it's very hard for there to be a right way to react. For example, I know my MIL was especially heartbroken by my second (such that they're trying to find the money to pay for private treatment now I'm pregnant again), but she said the usual 'it's nature's way... you might not have this baby, but you'll have a baby' to try and comfort me. This was about the worst thing I could hear, as I wanted that baby, and had had to give birth to that sleeping baby.

I would say you just have to give the benefit of the doubt to people you care about. If they are usually loving, caring, and supportive, then you have to assume - no matter how it feels in the moment - that they are trying to say and do the right thing, and just that it's so very hard to do the right thing in such an awful situation.

Buxbaum · 25/04/2018 10:44

Your mum told them you didn't want to discuss it. They think that they are respecting your wishes. I'm afraid the onus is on you to contact them and say that you do.

I'm really sorry for your loss

TheOriginalEmu · 25/04/2018 10:46

If my mum told me my sister miscarried but didn't want to talk about. I'd take her at her word and not mention it. so i think you're being unreasonable. I also wouldn't think to send a card or flowers for an early miscarriage as, well, blunt as it sounds, it happens a lot and I wouldn't equate it with somthing that needed that level of attention drawing to it. I've had 4 early ones, and they were awful and I still think about them, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to remember or be bothered.

RiskIt4Biscuit · 25/04/2018 10:46

I am so sorry for your loss.

They aren't contacting you about it because they were told you did not want to talk about it.

If you would like to talk to them about it, then contact them - don't wait for them to call.

People are generally terrible at dealing with other people in grief (or generally struggling with something). We don't really know what to say, we are scared of saying the wrong things and we don't want to make other people sad, so we tend to tiptoe around the person who is mourning - which to the person feels like they are being ignored.
It is not because they don't care - they are trying to do what they think you want them to do.

I don't think anyone's BU, I just think they are trying to respect your wishes, but it may come across the wrong way.

YippeeTipTap · 25/04/2018 10:47

“"I'd say yabu here. If your DM has told them you don't want to discuss it, they will be worried about upsetting you and will have assumed you told her this."

I agree, I don’t think you need to angry or upset that people aren’t being supportive. It’s misplaced.

Good luck for the future 💐

jamoncrumpets · 25/04/2018 10:47

IME they won't OP. My in laws completely ignored my miscarriage. Some people just don't get it, or they can't handle it.

HannahHut · 25/04/2018 10:48

The difference is OP, that she contacted you. They are probably waiting for you to contact them since your mother said you don't want to discuss it.

BubblesAndSquarks · 25/04/2018 10:49

I would contact them, because of what your mum has said they've probably assumed the request not to be contacted about it has come from you.
Sorry for your loss

YippeeTipTap · 25/04/2018 10:49

I wouldn’t think to send a card for an early miscarriage either. When I had a 12 week miscarriage people were sympathetic and kind but I dint get any cards. It honestly wouldn’t have crossed my mind that I might.

Mousefunky · 25/04/2018 10:49

I think your DM is to blame here in all honesty. She told them you didn’t want to talk about it so they’re probably avoiding it in case they upset you.

I had two miscarriages last year and learnt that people just don’t know what to say, it was an incredibly lonely time. I’m sorry for your loss OP.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/04/2018 10:49

OP Sweet, I'm so very sorry for your loss.💐
I'm sure that you are very much in the thoughts of your DS and SIL.
Your mother told them that you didn't wish to talk about it, they are simply following her wishes.
It's a very difficult time for all. When you are ready, get in touch with your sister.🌸

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