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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In being really angry that my father drove this morning ...............

29 replies

mosschops30 · 14/05/2007 11:52

Have just phoned my mum who let it slip that my father had 'gone to the hairdressers'. At which point i flew off the handle and said 'right thats it this time I am reporting him to the dvla' my mum has begged me not to and said its just a one off and just down the road but I am furious . The GP has told him not to drive and i am bloody fuming

OP posts:

rowan1971 · 14/05/2007 11:53

well, the fact that you say 'this time' suggests that it is not a 'one-off'.

mumto3girls · 14/05/2007 11:54

is he considered unfit todrive?

tellhimyou will report him.

edam · 14/05/2007 11:54

Has GP told him due to health reasons, or old age? Not surprised you are fuming but can see it's hard for someone to lose their licence. Does your mother drive or are they going to be dependent on lifts/taxis? Can they afford taxis? Can you offer to help with lifts?

tigerschick · 14/05/2007 11:56

I don't blame you. We had a similar thing with my Grandad a few years back.
It must be difficult if you're used to driving but it is very selfish with regards other road users.

mosschops30 · 14/05/2007 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

edam · 14/05/2007 12:05

Oh bugger, that is serious. Maybe he resents the loss of independence? I think you have to work on your mum, if dementia is part of the problem. And deffo report him to the DVLA, I'm afraid, that will force his/your mother's hand.

edam · 14/05/2007 12:06

Re dementia, could also mean he genuinely doesn't understand WHY this is absolutely not on?

Freckle · 14/05/2007 12:07

When my dad's gp said he should stop driving because of an eye condition, dad had to return his licence to the DVLA.

Perhaps you should contact the DVLA and ask them what he should be doing wrt surrendering his licence. Don't forget that, if he's been told to stop driving and doesn't, his insurance will be invalid. Quite apart from the possibility of causing a serious accident.

Dad quite liked not having to drive at first, as he could always enjoy a drink without worrying about driving afterwards. However, he is finding it very restrictive now, as they live in a village, but he would never just jump in the car for even a short journey because he knows it would be wrong.

saintmaybe · 14/05/2007 12:12

A good friend was in asda car park a few years ago and witnessed a very elderly man lose control of his car and drive at speed into a woman and toddler

But hard to see what you can do, mosschops from so far away. I do hope you manage to convince him.

misdee · 14/05/2007 12:15

if he isnt safe to drive and GP has deemed him unfit, then he should turn in his liscence. dh had to turn his in over two years ago.

compo · 14/05/2007 12:17

Maybe you should talk to your mum. Why couldn't she drive him the the hairdressers? Or suggest a mobile one that comes to his house?

Original poster

mosschops30 · 14/05/2007 12:35

my mum was ill today so says she couldnt but i pointed out that he shouldve called a taxi!! I also pointed out that she will feel pretty shit when he wipes out an entire family because he needed to get his hair cut.

I am bloody furious at their ignorance and stupidity, all he thinks about is himself, its not the illness hes a very stubborn, selfish man. If i was drink driving every day he would be the first one to report me to the police

I will talk to dh when he gets home and see what to do from there I migfht phone GP again tomorrow

OP posts:

giveadogabone · 14/05/2007 14:16

My fil is like this, he's got cataracts but still drives everywhere. His licence hasn't been taken off him though (don't know why the GP hasn't addressed it). I've seen him drive in an incredibly dangerous way on a number of occasions.

In his case it is a lot to do with male pride. If he lost his licence the roads would be much safer, but he'd be devastated because of what it would mean for his manhood. I think men are much worse than women at handling this type of thing.

In the meantime he's desperate to take my dd (8 weeks) out in the car & keeps dropping hints! I am running out of excuses but NO WAY will I allow him to drive her anywhere - if he keeps pushing it I will have to tell him straight although I know it would hurt his feelings dreadfully.

So you are definitely NBU!

LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 14/05/2007 14:17

insurance invalid then surely

LittleMouseWithCLogsOn · 14/05/2007 14:17

tell him that dirving wiht no insurance is a BIG fine and 6 - 9 points

donnie · 14/05/2007 14:19

no, you are being entirely reasonable.

onlyjoking9329 · 14/05/2007 14:24

can you get the doctor to put it in writing, get your mum to hide the keys.
DH is not allowed to drive for medical reasons and we had to sell his car cos it was too tempting just sitting there.

sheepgomeep · 14/05/2007 14:48

saintmaybe that is really sad.

This happened to my mum at our local hospital. Elderly man lost control of his car, his foot slipped from the brake onto accelerator, he drove at speed over a huge rock by the revolving doors and my mum leapt out the way just in time.

luckily no one else was there outside at thart particular time, normally children including mine would play on that rock

mosschops i'd report him, he could kill someone

heifer · 14/05/2007 15:46

I had this issue with my dad years ago.. He had the onset of dementia, and his driving became very erratic..

My SIL said that their children were no longer allowed in the car if he was driving..

My mum was too scared to tell him (didn't want to upset his feelings, not scared of him). so when he was complaing one day about something to do with them, I told him what SIL had said, and that I agreed...

He was furious, spouting that he had never had an accident in 40 years of driving (and he hadn't) but my mum and I managed to persuade him in the end..

It is hard, especially as my dad knew he had dementia and what was likely to happen to him, it was a stand against losing his indepdence I think..

Personally I wouldn't nag your mum to much, if your dad has got dementia she will have enough to cope with...

I would say don't worry about hurting his feelings and let him know that you just don't think he is safe, and you wouldn't let him drive your children around.. And also say that it is his illness causing his irratic driving, not him being a bad driver. (I am sure that is what made my dad stop)...

good luck

suedonim · 14/05/2007 15:47

My brother's MIL died after crashing her car into a telegraph pole when she was really past driving. They'd been trying to get her to give up for a while but she argued that she only ever went for a mile or two so it was ok. She crashed just down the road from where she lived.

I hope you can persuade your dad to give up, esp if your mum drives.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 14/05/2007 16:28

i would tell him if he doesnt stop youl report him....he could hurt himself or sombody else, not a nice situation!

DominiConnor · 14/05/2007 16:35

Is it not the case that half of all accidents occur within 3 miles of your home ?

He's not going to stop until a) someone stops him, or b) he has an accident

KTeePee · 14/05/2007 16:39

Every time I see a report in the local paper of an elderly person who has died/caused a death in a car accident, it makes me think that my friend's mum made a really good decision - she decided to give up driving and sell her car when she turned 70, although she was (and is) perfectly safe to drive - she just didn't want to be in the position of driving and one day being unsafe - so she decided to quit while she was ahead, iyswim....

Original poster

mosschops30 · 14/05/2007 16:54

My mum has since sent me about 5 txt messages begging me not to report him to the dvla and that it really was a one off and that she ALWAYS drives (just ask X and X her friend and sister). She did the old 'oh Ive got enough on my plate' to which I replied she'd have it a lot worse when visiting him in prison for wiping out an innocent person

Still me thinks she doth protest too much, why would you be bothered about the dvla if you werent driving? Its clear he continues to do so when Im not there.

Its been a long time since Ive allowed him to take the children in the car, and I couldnt give a balls about his feelings where my children (or anyone elses) are concerned, I told him straight that he wasnt safe to be driving the children

Sorry I'm still ranting about this I just know it will cause a huge rift in the family but I do not want his driving on my conscience

OP posts:

heifer · 14/05/2007 17:16

She did the old 'oh Ive got enough on my plate

I think she probably has... I know you are cross with your Dad but don't take it out on your mum, she can't make him stop either, and she has to live with him 24/7..

Until you live with someone with dementia you have NO idea what they have to cope with....

If you nag your mum too much she will just close up and stop telling you things and she won't have anyone to help her out later on...

Leave it a day or so, then if possible sit down with them and try to talk sense into them both... Do not rant and rave as it really won't help..

I do know how you feel and I do understand but from experience getter mad and nasty just won't help...

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