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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF relative?

52 replies

ireallydontcare · 23/04/2018 20:55

NC for this and going to try to keep it as vague as possible so as not to out ourselves.

A cousin has requested my business services at a family event. Said it was just for family and close friends. I said okay and said no fee, cos its family and I rarely charge family. Also I did a similar event for his sibling also for free, and I was at that event as a guest (this is important).

Got a thanks very much, very small do, just family and close friends. I started to get suspicious, why does family member keep saying that? dawns on me maybe I'm not invited, they just want my services. I asked for dates and details. Got a 3rd reply with dates and once again, just a small do but you can bring DC "if you want".

DH is saying they only asked for my services because they knew I'd do it for free, and also because the company they usually use is either not available or too dear. He says they never had any intention of inviting us along despite being a close family member regardless of what he says!

So what do I do now? Not sure if I can or should get out of it as I don't want to upset Aunt who I doubt knows about any of this. Aunt is not well off although cousin is.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 23/04/2018 20:57

Just say you’re sorry but you can’t do those dates as you’ve already got something on

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/04/2018 20:58

I think as you have committed you probably have to chalk this one down to experience and do it but remember to be already booked next time. People rarely value things they get for free, give a discount by all means but don't sell yourself short and offer your services for free

YouTheCat · 23/04/2018 21:00

I'd do it this time and then be very wary of saying yes to this relative in future.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 23/04/2018 21:00

I think it would be bad form to pull out once you've committed to it.

LovelySouffle · 23/04/2018 21:01

You are family. Turn up, eat and drink all their stuff. Grin

Invisimamma · 23/04/2018 21:03

Hmm i guess it depends on a few things and whether you will be out of pocket for supplies or turning down paid work to attend?

For example, are you baking a cake for a party you’ve not been invited to, or are you being a DJ at a small family do you’d be attending anyway. Two totally different scenarios imo.

Original poster
ireallydontcare · 23/04/2018 21:22

yes providing a service at an event I'm not invited to. It's clear I'm invited as a service provider, not a guest. I could potentially be turning down paid work, of about £2000, assuming someone else wanted my services that day. I've had about 4 messages saying "family and close friends". Then the last one, I could bring DC "if I wanted to". I have checked with my DM - she has not been given any information or invite. I think I may have to fake a last minute booking for another customer.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 23/04/2018 21:25

Well do you know what the event is for say simulat to a wedding or cristnkng?

Babyplaymat · 23/04/2018 21:28

I would pull out. "Oh, sorry, I thought you meant could I do xyz while we were at the party. But I really can't turn down paid work in this instance" or similar.

birdladyfromhomealone · 23/04/2018 21:29

Are you a caterer? This happened to me all the time " oh bird can you provide a buffet , you can stay IF you want,

Twickerhun · 23/04/2018 21:33

Wedding photography? Catering? It’s a bit crap really of your family

Original poster
ireallydontcare · 23/04/2018 21:36

someone guessed it in the last few posts yes, but don't want to be specific

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 23/04/2018 21:39

Why not just email back explaining and asking directly for clarification: Hi cf, I'm not sure if I've understood the situation - are dh and i invited as guests to the do? That was what i thought and why i agreed to do the xyz, as I'd be there anyway. Dh said from your email it seemed like we weren't actually invited as guests, so I thought I'd better just make sure?
If he says of course, fine, if he says oh, well it's only "reeeeeeeaaally" close family otherwise we would have invited you, then you can say ok, sorry for the confusion, I wouldn't intrude, and since it'd mean turning down paid work I'll have to decline the free xyz service. Have a great time though.

SomeKnobend · 23/04/2018 21:41

Sorry x-posted. If it's clear already just turn the cheeky bastard down, and don't feel bad. The fucking brass neck of him!! Can you do free fucking wedding catering, and no you can't even come!! Fuck off!!

squeaver · 23/04/2018 21:43

I think she is definitely trying to get something for nothing but why would she make the point about you bringing your kids if you're not invited?

Pringlemunchers · 23/04/2018 21:44

Perfect response from SomeKnobend

squeaver · 23/04/2018 21:45

But I think you should say you have a last minute booking for the day and you can't afford to turn down a paid job.

Original poster
ireallydontcare · 23/04/2018 21:45

great idea for a response, I'll try that, thank you someknobend

OP posts:
cherish123 · 23/04/2018 21:55

If you are doing it for free, they have really got to feed you.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2018 21:56

Perfect response from SomeKnob. Do it! And if they come back and tell you nah, you're not invited, just give us the freebie then do not feel bad about pulling out because they're being total pisstaking fuckers and rude. In the future, no more freebies.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2018 22:04

'So what do I do now? Not sure if I can or should get out of it as I don't want to upset Aunt who I doubt knows about any of this. Aunt is not well off although cousin is.'

Actually, on balance, I'd just pull out. 'Wow, I'm a slow learner, but you weren't even going to stoop to invite me and my family, just wanted the service for free when you can well afford it. You didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face, just hinted round 'it's just a small' do so I'd stump up and then disappear like a good dog. I'm beyond insulted. You need to find someone else to provide this. I'm out.'

Fuck upsetting your aunt, you're not the one at fault here, your wanky cousin is. I'd tell her the truth.

Can't abide people who do this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2018 22:06

So they want to trade on your being family to get their wedding photos done for nothing, but your are not close enough to be invited to the actual wedding? Cheeky sods!

Apart from anything else, I thought it was the done thing to make sure that service providers where fed and watered at a wedding?!

I wouldnt check if you are invited as you clearly are not and if they then do invite you it could bite you on the arse if they kick off afterwards, once they have their free pictures obviously.

Just say that you have had a booking since they called and cannot afford to turn the work down. At least give them enough time to find someone else.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 23/04/2018 22:06

I get asked to do my skill at cost price for many CF friends and family. If you do it once then you are expected to continue doing so. People don't value my time.

It gets ridiculous. I enjoy doing my skill but as a hobby, not as an unpaid business. I don't want to spend my free time doing favours because people are being cheapskates.

Gemini69 · 23/04/2018 22:07

SomeKnobend

agreed... it pisses me off that CF's get away with this crap because we're all too polite to stand up and say.. FUCK OFF Flowers

Whocansay · 23/04/2018 22:08

I'd also make my excuses. They are cheeky fuckers who don't respect your skills.

Do it quickly though to give them time to find someone else.