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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him in the house?

61 replies

FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:03

DSD(just turned 18) broke up with her boyfriend in February after he cheated multiple times and treated her like shit. They had some nasty confrontations, including him letting himself in to our house, while DH and I were at work, to corner her and argue with her and later that week he told her to "just fuck off and go and kill yourself" (knowing full well she has MH issues and suffers with anxiety and depression).

She seemed to be getting on ok without him, spending time with friends, although some were mutual and the EX would inevitably turn up, mouthing off and causing trouble. He would follow her around and even used the "find my friend" app on her phone to keep track of her and turn up where she was.... but she was taking it in her stride and her friends were incredibly supportive.

I thought all was well until I discovered that she had taken him back and was acting as if nothing had happened Sad

DH and I have told her that he is not allowed in the house (we had issues with them shagging in her room when we were all in the house!! And yes I know that's what teenagers do, but NOT when her 6 year old sister is in the room below). She may have forgiven him for what he's done/put her through, but DH and I cannot forget what he did, especially telling her to kill herself. I DO NOT want him anywhere near my family (DD6 does not need to be exposed to this type of behaviour).

Are we being unreasonable to say that he is not welcome in our home?

She still sees him, stays at his house, hangs out with friends at the park and so on.

Have we drawn too firm a line? Should we renege on our decision and allow him to come in (bear in mind they'll be holed up in her room, and have already proven they can't be trusted to keep their pants on)?

I don't know how to deal with this!

Fingers crossed she comes to her senses and dumps him soon!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading Smile any advice is welcome

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 23/04/2018 11:10

Yanbu. i have no advice could you have him killed? (only joking btw). Seriously though, i have so much sympathy, hope she wakes up and sees him for what he is soon.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/04/2018 11:13

When my ds (20) was in an abusive relationship we banned her from the house. No regrets at all. Ds understood my boundaries even if he couldn't give himself any where she was concerned. It faded out pretty fast after that tbh. It's your home, she needs to respect that.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:14

TBF Dh did want to throttle the jumped up little cunt. But I didn't fancy visiting him in prison so I persuaded him not to hunt him down and gut him....

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 23/04/2018 11:15

Stick to your guns op.I wouldn't say much about him as that will backfire ,let her realize on her own what a waste of space he is.
You are right to keep him out imho,he is abusive and untrustworthy.
Hopefully she will realise this soon,good luck.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:17

She asked last night if he was allowed back in and DH and I both wholeheartedly agreed that no, he is not to step foot in our house.

DH and I agree that if she is stupid enough to want to be with a manipulative jerk then that's her decision, we want nothing to do with him.

She took it rather well, just slinked off upstairs and no more was said on the matter.

Can't help feeling guilty though. I just hope she comes to her senses soon!!

OP posts:
PetulantPolecat · 23/04/2018 11:18

I think showing both your daughters how you set your boundaries and consequences is very important. They need to see “normal” behaviour and reaction modelled to how do deal with a man treating you like shite. Those two will break up again and after him will be another one, but you keep showing both your daughters how boundaries are kept and what self-respect means. Flowers

Trethew · 23/04/2018 11:22

Have you considered how you respond if she flounces off to live at his place?

abigailsnan · 23/04/2018 11:22

Yanbu at all he sounds like a nightmare who just wants to control your DSD and she is too young to understand this.
Can your OH not have a "quiet word" with him and tell him to back off.

pigsDOfly · 23/04/2018 11:27

This is such a difficult situation. On the one hand you don't want to seem to be bailing out on her but I think you're absolutely right not to allow him into your home. Too damned right you don't want your 6 year old to hear his nasty remark and see how he treats her sister.

Have you tried talking to her about this relationship and why she feels it's okay for him to treat her like this?

Sounds like all you can do at the moment is to keep your lines of communication with her open, so she knows she can turn to you when she needs to and hope that she eventually sees him for what he is.

ExFury · 23/04/2018 11:28

I would keep re-evaluating it just to make sure he doesn't use it to have her spending more and more time with him away from you.

Also, and you might have, make sure you keep telling her that it's because you won't see her being treated like that. Not "we don't like him" but "we don't like him because he treated you badly". I'm sure that subtle difference helped when my grandparents banned my teenage boyfriend from our house.

C0untDucku1a · 23/04/2018 11:32

I think him knowing you have said he is banned from your house at least gives her a place where she can be free of him

DGRossetti · 23/04/2018 11:34

Having read that, my immediate thought is that she could try and sneak him in when you aren't there Sad.

rebeccabecca · 23/04/2018 11:35

I think you have done the right thing. You are teaching her that behaving like arsehole is not something to be tolerated.

Hopefully, in a very short space of time she'll feel the same.

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:38

Thanks all, we have told her that his behaviour is unacceptable and we just want what's best for her, which isn't him. I have no idea why she has forgiven him but that's her choice.

(Also, according to DSD's mum, the boyfriend gives DSD grief over who she follows on social media... it seems he doesn't like her getting attention of other guys).

Luckily she can't move in with him as his mum has a new baby and a toddler and there just isn't room. Neither DSD nor her boyfriend work so they can't afford to get their own place...

I tried to have a word with the boyfriend but he blocked me on social media and blocked my mobile number too, I also messaged his mum once as she kept kicking him out and he ended up staying with us, (I was trying to find out what she was playing at by keep locking him out) but she never replied either so I think the boyfriend may have intercepted the message!

I feel better after having all your feedback that DH and I are doing the right thing. DSD will hopefully see the light soon enough

OP posts:
purplelass · 23/04/2018 11:39

It's your house, you're entitled to decide who comes into it.

However, your DSD won't let you banning him coming in stop her from seeing him. It depends how close you want to keep them really...

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:43

I know DGRossetti and DH pre-empted that by saying he is not allowed in when we're not there either. Not that we'd know or could do anything about it.

Funnily enough C0untDucku1a she text me yesterday morning asking me to invent a reason for her to come home and to message her on WhatsApp so she could get out of going to an event with them. She said he and his mum would be "pissy" with her if she said she just didn't want to go..... No why would you want a relationship with someone like that!?!!

I think she knows deep down that the relationship is a no-go, but I think she'll have trouble ending it as he dogged her to get back with him last time Sad

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 23/04/2018 11:49

That sounds like progress OP, if she wants an excuse to get out of spending time with him.

Just keep letting her know that if they split up you'll have her back and hold her hand.

EnglishRose13 · 23/04/2018 11:50

This sounds exactly like my relationship at that age. He too followed me and turned up uninvited. My parents banned him from the house too but it didn't last. They felt it was better keeping an eye on us than not knowing where we were or what we were doing.

Something for me just clicked and that was it. I didn't want that relationship anymore. It took a year for me to finally be free from him. Hopefully the same will happen.

DGRossetti · 23/04/2018 11:50

I know DGRossetti and DH pre-empted that by saying he is not allowed in when we're not there either. Not that we'd know or could do anything about it

It's a delicate situation ... because I totally get that you want to - and should be able to - trust your DSD.

But when things go folie a deux that's not always the case Sad She may well just ignore you, and sneak him in behind your backs.

We learned the hard way (this was DS, and a girl he was besotted with).

kaitlinktm · 23/04/2018 11:51

How did he let himself into your house whilst you were at work? He doesn't have a key does he?

Madratlady · 23/04/2018 11:52

It's good that she feels she can come to you and ask for a 'get out'

Original poster
FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:55

I'm hoping that when she has a job, and some responsibility (she's been excited about getting into bar work now she's turned 18) she will realise there's a whole big world out there and hopefully a nice guy will turn her head and she'll realise what she's worth.

She's not a stupid girl, and she knows that there's something fundamentally wrong with their relationship (given that he can't help cheating on her) but he has some weird hold over her that she can't seem to shake. Hopefully she will break the spell soon and see him for the cretin he really is.

OP posts:
Original poster
FooFighter99 · 23/04/2018 11:59

kaitlinktm he had turned up at the front door to collect his things and she locked him outside while she went upstairs to get everything. He went round the back and opened the gate (DH leaves via bike every morning so he knew the gate would be unlocked) and we have a dog and 4 cats that DSD had left the backdoor open for.... so he just waltzed in and went upstairs. DSD shit herself and was trying to get him out. He's VERY lucky our Rottweiler isn't vicious as although he did "see him off" while they were arguing he wouldn't have taken a chunk out of him or anything... shame really!

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/04/2018 11:59

id also be really worried bout her.have you talked to her.this sounds abusive. he knows exactly which buttons tp press to hurt her.ie the mental health and so telling her to kill herself.this is a direct hit to someone with emotional issues.and so he knows how to get her back I assume.doesnt sound like a good guy.so is she or you talking about this.why she took him back etc?
NO stand your ground.dont let her be manipulated by him as he will be pulling at her strings too to get back in ur house!
at least this way too fingers crossed she will see normality at home then the big difference when she has to go out and see someone like him.letting him in will mix that and cause much worse things to come I fear.
be strong.your the parent,adult,homeowner. she will realise your right one day.soon....

Confusedbeetle · 23/04/2018 12:03

This boyfriend is using coercive control, a precursor of domestic violence. You are absolutely right to ban him. He may be emotionally controlling her. She needs to know how you feel and that you support her but not him. If she does not feel rejected by you it will be easier for her to see him for what he is and break away. Even intelligent assertive girls can be caught up. The danger signs are wanting to separate her from her friends. I think I might encourage her to value her friends and keep them close. One of them for certain will help open her eyes and it will be easier for her to listen to a friend than a parent. Try not to judge her