To not let him in the house?

[FooFighter99]

DSD(just turned 18) broke up with her boyfriend in February after he cheated multiple times and treated her like shit. They had some nasty confrontations, including him letting himself in to our house, while DH and I were at work, to corner her and argue with her and later that week he told her to "just fuck off and go and kill yourself" (knowing full well she has MH issues and suffers with anxiety and depression).

She seemed to be getting on ok without him, spending time with friends, although some were mutual and the EX would inevitably turn up, mouthing off and causing trouble. He would follow her around and even used the "find my friend" app on her phone to keep track of her and turn up where she was.... but she was taking it in her stride and her friends were incredibly supportive.

I thought all was well until I discovered that she had taken him back and was acting as if nothing had happened

DH and I have told her that he is not allowed in the house (we had issues with them shagging in her room when we were all in the house!! And yes I know that's what teenagers do, but NOT when her 6 year old sister is in the room below). She may have forgiven him for what he's done/put her through, but DH and I cannot forget what he did, especially telling her to kill herself. I DO NOT want him anywhere near my family (DD6 does not need to be exposed to this type of behaviour).

Are we being unreasonable to say that he is not welcome in our home?

She still sees him, stays at his house, hangs out with friends at the park and so on.

Have we drawn too firm a line? Should we renege on our decision and allow him to come in (bear in mind they'll be holed up in her room, and have already proven they can't be trusted to keep their pants on)?

I don't know how to deal with this!

Fingers crossed she comes to her senses and dumps him soon!

If you made it this far, thanks for reading any advice is welcome

That 'weird hold' is the way an abusive relationship works, sadly.
It's hard to know what would be best to do. By banning him from your home, she then has a haven to escape to, where he cannot have any physical presence, but by banning him, you run the risk of pushing her away.
You know your daughter best and what will benefit her most. I'm sure this isn't the case, and it's hard to tell over text, but try not to let your own feelings and emotions cloud your judgement. Good luck and I hope she leaves him soon, for good this time she's lucky to have such a supportive family.

No way should you let him back in your house ! He seems very disrespectful and has anger issues, your 6 year old
Doesn't need to be around that. Your partner should have a firm talking with him !

I don't see any issue with saying that you respect her choice to be with him, and can't change that but she also has to respect that you don't agree with her choice and as such, don't want him in your home.
Don't make it easy for him to be around her and give her a space where she can be away from him.

Poor girl. Agree with all ^^, best thing to do is model strong boundaries so she can eventually see it for what it is.

Also, maybe try the text code thing, where if she ends texts with a certain non-obvious code like XXX or similar it means ‘please come and get me now/give me an out’ with no judgement.

I saw something online that I have stored for future use and which might be helpful to you and DSD at the moment. It's a silly little code which is really for younger teenagers but you might find a way to use it now.

If she texts you with odd numbers of punctuation, everything is fine. If she texts you with even numbers of punctuation, she wants you to invent a reason she has to be picked up or go home.

So

"Hi, can I go to Jane's house???" (3x?) means she wants to go

"Hi, can I go to Jane's house??" (2x?) means she doesn't but feels obliged to ask, so you reply "No, we're going to your grandma's, you need to be back in ten minutes."

So if DSD sends you a message saying "Is my hoodie on the landing??" then she's actually saying "I want to come home."

When someone is in a difficult relationship they often need someone else to be the bad guy - it's easier to blame your boss/mum/bus driver rather than taking responsibility for decisions.

YANBU and you sound like wonderful parents.

Is your DSD having treatment for her MH problems? A good counseller might be able to help her end the relationship. Maybe you could get her to read the Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that’

This is an abusive relationship. Have a look at The Freedom Programme online-and see if you can get her to look at it too.

It’s not just a case of “she needs to dump him” - abusive relationships don’t work like that, sadly.

I would suspect that BF's mum is in a very similar relationship, which is why she wouldn't talk to you about any issues her son might be having with your DSD.
She might not want to admit it to herself, but her son learned that behaviour from someone.

I think it's great that your not allowing him in the house, it sounds like she needs a place that she can use to get away from him.MrsHathaway has a great suggestion.

Is there any way that she can move out of the area for a bit? Anybody willing to rent a room to her? If she could drop him, block him and move away for a bit, he might move his attention onto some other poor soul.

It might be worth getting her a copy of living with the dominator (freedom programme) there's a separate work book if you think it would help, but just being able to contextualise his behaviour, which is seemingly colluded with by his mother, might help her see his perspective about relationships is harmful and she deserves more

MrsHathaway absolutely great post. one for us all.

Sorry didn't see someone had already suggested it. It's cheap on the wordery if you're in the UK

If he knows he isn't allowed in your home dd has every excuse in the world to not let him in. You're giving her options by imposing the rule.

He's an abusive twat. Don't let him in. Don't let her see you be polite to him and normalise his behaviour.

Has she ever expressed a wish to travel? A six month ticket to Australia as a surprise present for her booked for a couple of days after its given could be cheaper in the long run.

You are not being unreasonable.

DSD shit herself and was trying to get him out.

Why does she want to be with someone who scares her? Perhaps ask her if she finds him less scary when he's getting what he wants, and try to get her to realise what a dreadful basis for a relationship that is.

You sound like wonderful parents and you’re doing everything right. She’s very lucky to have you.

I agree with keeping her (and yours!) home a safe space without him in it.

Keep letting her know how much you love she value her, what a special young woman she is and how she deserves a partner who treats her well and makes her happy.

When you’re that age, it can be so difficult to have confidence in your own boundaries and there’s so much bullshit in our culture about the fuzzy line between grand gestures and painful romantic love, and the healthy, nurturing relationships that are what we actually want. I had a horrible boyfriend at that age and still had friends telling me his drunken rants in the middle of the night showed how much he cared for me, rather than showed him up for the controlling wanker he was!

Op you can borrow my rottweiler, she would def see him off.
No Miss Nice Ddog!!
Sounds like she actually wants you to take the responsibility on of getting him out of her life, she sounds out of her depth with a twat and we all know that can strike at any age, she just doesn't have the experience to deal with it.

You are definitely doing the right thing banning him from the house...

• you are demonstrating strong boundaries

• you are giving her a reason not to invite him over, thus giving her some ‘safe space’ when she wants it.

• you are stopping it from sliding into him living there.

Hold tight on this, apart from it being your right not to have the scrote in your house, she NEEDS this.

I wouldn’t stop trying to make her see sense & trying to help her be strong enough to tell him to fuck off. It sounds like she relented simply because he wouldn’t stop pestering her...that’s harrassment, if she finishes with him and he does that, the police seem to be getting better at taking action to prevent it. Maybe she needs to know you’d support her if he starts pestering her again. I know she’s 18, but that’s still young & she’s vulnerable.

I’d give your DH an alibi...

OP
You're absolutely right and it's great that she is asking you for help in getting out of situations with him and his family. Can you maybe find some time to spend with her? A day out with lunch and some shopping? Making 'family' time feel safe and interesting? Just a thought

Here's an interesting thread about daughters that may have some help?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3226823-How-do-you-teach-your-daughters-to-be-nice-but-not-nice

As she’s not working, I’d be looking, on her behalf, at a lot of Summer opportunities such as working in resorts, it’s massive fun.

...and having recruited for them (as well as working at them) they’re very good at placing people in the appropriate resort (funnily enough, that’s often at one non commutable to the girlfriend if the girl or parents have worries, but the bf is insisting on going too 😉).

disgusting guy I wouldn't want him anywhere near my kid either

I think your dsd should know the most important reason for not letting him in is to give her safe space. This way, you are showing her how to create a boundary for herself. Of course the disrespect and sex are also important but these won’t happen if he doesn’t come through the door. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

I wish I had read this book when I was her age. ‘Why does he do that’ unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thanks all, I can't tell you how nice it is to have you all affirm my decision to ban him from the house.

I wish DSD would realise that he's being manipulative and emotionally abusive.

I've just been listening to IDGAF by Dua Lipa and it needs to be DSD's anthem!!

I want to take her for a night out, just the 2 of us (because I couldn't afford to for her actual birthday) so I might use that as an opportunity to discuss her situation, try and make her see it from mine and DH's POV.

And thanks Annie I'll let you know if we need an alibi