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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a third baby?

32 replies

Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 10:49

AIBU to have a third baby?
I had gestational diabetes and obstetric cholestasis in both my pregnancies. I also had SPD!

In my second pregnancy everything was diet controlled and I did lose a lot of weight.

My youngest is now 3.5. I’ve just returned to work after 4 years as a SAHM.

Both my babies were in special care.

I had it tough after my first nearly died I got PND.

After all of the above including two atrocious emergency sections and failed Care for me afterwards.

I want another baby?! It would mean mat leave from a new job. It would mean possible GD and OC again? Would I be diabetes free at the end of a third pregnancy?!

After reading all of above I know I shouldn’t but AIbU?! Help me!

PS I’m the fittest I’ve ever been I’m still overweight but I’m exercising 3 times a week cardio and weights and watching my diet.

Help!

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 23/04/2018 10:52

No.

Spend at least a year working and then reconsider. Even without all the medical issues you’ve just started back at work so emotions about kids growing up and changes being made are influencing you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/04/2018 10:53

You can't help how you feel OP but in your shoes I wouldn't have another baby.

Why push your luck?

Allthewaves · 23/04/2018 10:57

Do you have full support to look after your other children if you end up in hospital for whole of your pregnancy and the same if this baby has to spend time in scbu?

Honestly my third took the biggest impact on my body and health and I didn't have any complications

ProseccoPoppy · 23/04/2018 10:57

Practically speaking at the moment you will get naff all maternity pay. Work longer and you will most likely get more - and also be better placed for going back after mat leave. Would it work to put this on hold now but set a date to reconsider - in perhaps 12 months time?

RunMummyRun68 · 23/04/2018 10:58

What's your partners views?

Annabelle4 · 23/04/2018 10:59

Given your history, I wouldn't.
Imagine coping with all that again, only this time you have 2 DC to look after also.

DuchyDuke · 23/04/2018 11:10

Get to the middle of a normal BMI range (bmi 22/23) and then try.

lillighters85 · 23/04/2018 11:12

I would like another too but my very severe morning sickness means I wont have any more because I can't look after my children when I'm pregnant. No advice really, but I empathise with your dilemma. It's hard to fight the biological urge, and keep a rational perspective. As other posters suggested, perhaps wait a whole until the youngest is at school full time and then reconsider?

Original poster
Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 11:17

Thanks everyone my DH is very supportive but he does a very pressurised job. He’s I suppose at the stage in his career now where he needs give it that push to take it to the next level.

Yes I would consider it from Jan next year although not getting any younger!

My return to work (in my old profession albeit it a band down) has been incredibly successful. To the extent I think I will be promoted by the end of the year and I’ll be back where I left off 4-5 years ago. Which feels astonishing but it’s been a hard slog getting up to date with new practices and technology. Even my new employer is totally amazed at what I’ve achived and so glad they took the chance on taking me back on. It’s a fast moving industry and the essential skills are the same but a lot does change. I know they have huge plans for me and are already business planning around my success.

I would need to spend this year fully concentrating on my health and diet - but I’ve been doing that since June/July last year and the rewards have been immense (mentally and physically).

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 23/04/2018 11:18

I wouldn’t no

Original poster
Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 11:19

I know the OC is very very likely. As I’ve had it twice. Maybe the SPD wouldn’t be so severe as I’ve been working on my core stability massively during my exercise sessions. I’m going for a whole body rehabilitation. I think you’re right. I need to consider for Jan ‘19.

Biological urge is so strong. I feel like I’m physically aching for a baby. It hurts so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 11:22

Also I got told I could end up diabetic after a third pregnancy - permanently. IABU I know.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/04/2018 11:23

No I don't think I would under your circumstances but it's up to you in the end. Even if you do have a third baby this biological urge may well return again and then do you have a fourth. No. Sometimes common sense and logic have to overrule biological urges. But depends on what you want most.

Pikehau · 23/04/2018 11:24

Firstly for the record all my pregnancies were low risk and uncomplicated... and my babies healthy. so I can’t comment on medical issues.

But I wanted to say

  1. that I understand your desire for a third. I had actually accepted that two was my final number and three was my heart not head.... then we got a lovely surprise.

  2. I was 6 years older that I was with my first (pregnant with 1 at 29, gave birth to 3rd 35) I constantly described my pregnancy as my “body is just broken” it was hard work. I get horrid and constant vomiting till 20weeks and then a lull and it returns again. I got stress incontincene.... I then got a cold last Easter and it took till the end of May to finally feel better.... time off work, finished work prior than had wanted, ended up in hospital with a fluid drip as so dehydrated from the infection I ended up getting in my sinuses..... so nothing major and nothing major for a 30spmethingn woman... but a 3rd trimester woman, working with 2 small kids.... man i felt awful. I was done.

  3. my lovely baby arrived and all v healthy but wow now three to care for, spend time with... it’s just me and dh. No other support.

Life is much harder and obviously wonderful but it’s reset us back.

Honestly if I was you I wouldn’t and I would never have a 4th.

Good luck with your decisions .... I think it will also come down tonhowmm uh support you have apart from your partner... both gp’s around to assist if you are in bed all day, weekend etc??? Or worse hospital.....

Pikehau · 23/04/2018 11:27

Oh and on a lighter note.... when I return to work this summer I fully expect it to be “easier” than this mat leave with school runs, a strong willed 3.5 year old and a baby!!

3rd matbleave so so much different and less fun than mat leave one!!! But you know that better than me as you have been a sahp xx

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 23/04/2018 11:27

If permanent diabetes is a realistic risk then no, I wouldn't do it.

I was going to say give it 6 months and see how you feel then, check it's not just your subconscious panicking about being back to work and wanting to get back to what you're used to. But with two children already to think of, I wouldn't be risking such a serious health problem.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/04/2018 11:30

Yanbu to have the desire. It is more common than you think. That sort of primal urge despite all evidence and experience pointing to the horrors of complicated pregnancies.

No-one can tell you what to do but in your shoes I wouldn't do it again but how old are you? I'd focus on the career for the meantime and see where you are maybe this time next year.

Lizzie48 · 23/04/2018 11:42

My DSis was in the same position as you. She had GD with both her pregnancies and with her first she also had pre-Enclampsia and very nearly died. She was also desperate for a third child and in the end she and her DH adopted a baby boy. He's now two and totally adorable. I know adoption isn't for everyone, but it is another way to extend your family.

I do agree with PPs who say you should wait another year, though, as you've just started back at work. You might well find that you no longer feel broody. The thought of going through nappy changing and potty training again fills me with horror. Grin

Allthewaves · 23/04/2018 11:53

So they will d you could end up diabetic? That's a huge health complication. In that case yabu. It's no walk in the park being diabetic

Original poster
Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 12:08

There are increased risks - I’ve heard it but never had it confirmed to me - that would can end up permanently diabetic after gestational diabetes. Now this hasn’t happened for the last two pregnancies. But I believe I could be at higher risk on my 3rd.

Adoption is something I’ve personally considered but never spoken to my DH about.

I am 37. Current little ones are 6.5 and 3.5. We would have more options financially with two (e.g we can keep our already ageing car and have holidays)!

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 12:10

@pauldacre - you maybe right. In fact your probably are.

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 23/04/2018 12:12

The urge to have another baby is very powerful, but remember, it is often a biological call and does not always mean you want, really want another child. Try to use your logical head, which I think is telling you the risks are too great

SaucyJane · 23/04/2018 12:15

The stats on GD and T2 are deeply depressing (I have also had two GD pregnancies). Over 50% of people who have GD will be T2 within 10 years or so. The thinking is that we were always prone to it, but the stress of pregnancy expedites it (one dr said to me that your body during pregnancy is a bit like it is in your 50's, so it's a snapshot into your future).

I am overweight myself (finished pregnancy 1.5 stones less than when I conceived, however, thank you GD Diet), but in fact in both the hospitals where I had my babies, the vast majority of women I saw in the diabetes clinics were not. Purely based on what I saw with my own eyes and nothing more, the common denominator was age, rather than weight - they all looked 35+ (again like me!).

Original poster
Helpme1980 · 23/04/2018 12:18

@saucyjane you are right. My mother is T2 and in her 50s. It’s not something I can risk. I just have to keep on top of my diet and exercise and concentrate on my own health. I didn’t realise that’s what pregnancy did (ie a snapshot of the future). I can manage GD well but T2 runs in the family. All my grandparents were/are T2. Even the slimmest members of my family became GD. It’s not worth it.

@confusedbeetle logically the answer has to be no. No for a child that is biologically my own anyway.

OP posts:
BubblesAndSquarks · 23/04/2018 12:19

It depends how much you want a third. I had awful hyperemesis with all 3 of mine, my first 2 were prem but it was managed better with my third and he went to term.

We had a consultant appointment before TTC to discuss what would happen. They reassured us that I would be prescribed antisickness injections as well as the tablets, and scanned regularly to check for signs of early labour.

My third was born term, and I only got admitted 3 times during his pregnancy. It was a risk, and probably a bit of a selfish decision but then you could say that about a lot of pregnancies (eg. Risks because of age, preexisting conditions etc) and I'm so glad we went for it, I know I'd still be wanting a third now if we hadn't.