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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask was the year after your second DC the worst in your relationship?

33 replies

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 22/04/2018 21:12

DH and I have DS2 and DD6months, he just changed jobs so is very busy, i'm on mat leave til Sept and we are both enormous after the breeding years. I've tired SW and WW but the urge to eat sugar is too much at present.
We currently sleep in separate beds as I co sleep with DD. We have no time for each other and haven't had sex for 6 weeks!!! I'm so knackered and so unsexy. I literally barely have time to wipe my arse properly let alone shave my legs. He feels fat and would rather Airfix.
I read somewhere that the year after your second child is the worst in a relationship? Although we have everything we ever wanted we argue a lot about bollocks and constantly play the "I'm not saying you aren't tired, but i'm way more tired than you" game. Sometimes I love him to death, sometimes I loathe him.
He spent the weekend with his elderly parents, me on my own with the kids and he has just come home, cue more fighting about how untidy I am and how anal he is. I'm exhausted and crying like a twat.
My question is does it get easier? Do you find your way back to each other? Give me hope oh wise MN...

OP posts:
BubblesAndSquarks · 22/04/2018 21:18

It sounds like lack of sleep may be causing a lot of this? Once the DC are letting you get more sleep you'll have more time for eachother, be able to keep on top of the tidying easier, more willpower with dieting as you won't be looking for quick fixes for energy as much, and be in better moods to avoid things escalating as much.
Don't underestimate the effect of tiredness.

It will get better. Flowers

DairyisClosed · 22/04/2018 21:20

My worst year was 1 year after second child with small age gap. We were both mad with exhaustion.

Fridasfridgefreezer · 22/04/2018 21:21

Yes actually. There was a 17 month age gap between the children and I felt like I’d been pregnant/breastfeeding/pregnant/breastfeeding forever. We were tired and I felt like I was going mad with it all. However, the children are 3 and 4 and it’s so much better. The children sleep, can feed themselves and weekends are spent pleasurably, not surviving. We also didn’t have sex for a long time due to post birth issues; things are good now and we’re expecting number 3.

BubblesAndSquarks · 22/04/2018 21:22

FWIW we had a similar situation during my pregnancy with my third. I was very ill, exhausted and every small issue was magnified. Since DC3 was born things have been fine again.

SaucyJane · 22/04/2018 21:22

We've only just started this OP and are arguing an average of twice a day. So I'm inclined to agree with you Sad

However hard it is when you feel like ripping off his skin, I think you just have to be big enough to say to each other, "this is just the tiredness speaking." We manage that some of the time....!

HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 21:24

Yes, but that's because my ex was having an affair.

RoadToRivendell · 22/04/2018 21:24

I hated my husband for about 6 or 7 years, until my youngest was maybe 4.

I couldn't say which year was the worst.

Homemenu1 · 22/04/2018 21:24

Yes I would agree that the year after ds 2 was the worst, our relationship didn’t recover and the resentment is still very much alive

Pinksun12 · 22/04/2018 21:25

Yes. International move, new job for DH with crazy work hours, in fact he was close to a burn out, 2nd child constantly crying, jealousy issues, I was on my knees with exhaustion. That was the hardest year of our lives I think.

SecretIsland · 22/04/2018 21:25

You know what op...I've never heared this before but it's completely true for us.

Been together 14 years, 2nd dc is 8...and 7-8 years ago was definitely our 'worst' year, for various reasons. We've had dc3 since and not experienced it in the year since he was born. How strange!

KeithLeMonde · 22/04/2018 21:26

Probably the two years after. It did get better.

Prusik · 22/04/2018 21:27

We're in it at the moment. 12 month age gap, youngest is 3 months. It's so so tough. We had a family day today which really helped - went out to the little local farm. I posted a thread about this only a few days ago. I also go back to work in sept

Original poster
Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 22/04/2018 21:28

Thanks everyone. Maybe it is the exhaustion then. The magic just seems to have gone. I have tired, I bought underwear that was sexy haven't had time to wear it since Christmas and I got a love message read out on Sunday morning love songs for him but it was my birthday this week and my present was not romantic at all. I miss the spark, but i'm definitely not as attractive as I was on my wedding day. I want to want to have sex and I want him to want to, but i'm also too tired if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 22/04/2018 21:28

I think a year after having any baby (esp the non sleeping variety) that you need to be kind to each other. Accept that sex probably won't happen much, that your both tired and need to hang in there.

Original poster
Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 22/04/2018 21:31

tried not tired... freudian?

OP posts:
HateSummer · 22/04/2018 21:31

I’ve never heard this either but it’s definitely true for us. Absolutely horrible time. It kind of blended into the third baby, but now kids are all older it’s the best time.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 22/04/2018 21:33

No, but only because it would be hard to beat the year after our first child was born! But it's not great. We've got ds (2) and dd (11 weeks) and we argue every Saturday at about 4pm because that is when it hits us that we are so tired and the weekend is only making our tiredness worse and that we are, in fact, on an ever-descending escalator of tiredness.

One thing we are doing better on this time is having sex. It really helps us to feel close even when everything is difficult and exhausting.

2b1c51 · 22/04/2018 21:35

Yep. In fact this is us even down to preferring airfixing!! I've just gone back to work after 14 months mat leave and things are improving slightly as I feel a bit more like me and have another topic of conversation other than the kids. But there have been times this year when I've really wondered if we would make it.

Original poster
Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 22/04/2018 21:38

But there have been times this year when I've really wondered if we would make it.

I hear this. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

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PurplePotatoes · 22/04/2018 21:42

Although we have everything we ever wanted we argue a lot about bollocks and constantly play the "I'm not saying you aren't tired, but i'm way more tired than you" game. Sometimes I love him to death, sometimes I loathe him.

Yep, this is definitely us. Especially the last sentence Grin DS is 18 months and I feel like we're just slowly starting to come out of the fog in lots of ways.....

mindutopia · 22/04/2018 21:44

I would say so far 2 is much easier than 1 the first time around. But I think a big age gap makes all the difference. Our first was 5 when we had our 2nd so it’s been much easier than I think it would have been if she were younger. But also situational too. Life in general is easier for us now than in the past. We’ve done 2 years apart due to immigration issues. We’ve done a big international move. We’ve gone through hell with extended family members having problems. In comparison, a 2nd dc wasn’t nearly as overwhelming and in fact, it’s been easier than the first time around, but I think every situation is different and I can always totally see how it could have been harder.

kiwigeekmum · 22/04/2018 21:44

Probably the first 2 years our 2nd DC were pretty tough. I had PND & our daughter wasn’t a good sleeper. Kids are 3 & 5 now and we are so much happier and life is getting better all the time.

On the one hand, you do need to give your husband and yourself loads of grace. This is a normal and reasonable reaction to exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

On the other hand, if you want your marriage to last you may need to invest some extra time/attention/resources to it. Maybe get some counseling, and if possible leave the kids with Grandma for a weekend and get away together.

Good luck!!!

sausagedogsmakechipolatas · 22/04/2018 21:45

Was true for us. So much so, I moved out for a year when the second was a year old, with the children. That time apart was really what saved us though - we’re very much solid now.

SunnyL · 22/04/2018 21:45

Yes for us our 2nd DDs birthday was a celebration that we were still together and still alive. Her 2nd birthday was an actual birthday.

It was PND for me that fucked us royally. Poor DH bore the brunt of it with huge amounts of compassion.

Original poster
Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 22/04/2018 21:50

Its funny I had PND with our DS, But this time round I have felt fine, I took ADs for the first 5 months as it was so bad the first time, just incase. DH was amazing when I had PND. I am lucky with him in someways. Might go and give him a hug.

OP posts: