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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS not letting anyone else have food!

73 replies

keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 16:10

Posting for traffic because I didn't get any replies on the Parenting board. Sorry. Need help!

At Easter stupid DP stole a piece of DS's (3.5 years) Easter egg as he was walking past. DS went ballistic. Fair enough, it was his egg. DP's reaction was "Well it's only a bit of chocolate and that's what dads do" angry meaning that is what nasty FIL did to him.

DP is paying for it now.

Ever since, if there is something on the table that DS particularly likes to eat - banana, any fruit really, crisps when he's allowed, cheese and crackers... he will not share! He wants all to himself.

We had a picnic outside today in the garden, there was a good choice of fruit. DS decided no one except him could have any bananas or apples. We had to come back in again in the end because we were disturbing the neighbours with the racket!

When I'm alone with DS, he often offers to share his food (I'm low carb so don't actually want it!) but if DP is around (DP is DS's father) it's a different story.

PLEASE does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this. I've tried communal plates, sharing games, making sure everyone has a choice and is equal... nothing is helping. He's fine when we have something like spaghetti for dinner and everyone has the same, it tends to be with snack type food that DS is possessive. DS is a kind sweet little boy, this is the worst behavior we have from him. He usually doesn't even eat what he doesn't want anyone else to eat. It may be a stage he would have gone through anyway (is it?) or it may have been triggered by stupid DP taking his treat.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 22/04/2018 18:00

You honestly have to let this go. Forget. Move on. It is not a big deal.

UpstartCrow · 22/04/2018 18:00

You and your DP have to work out what to do, agree, and both stick to it. At the moment there is conflict between you and your DP, and conflict over food is never healthy.

Look at the post upthread made by MrsTerryPratchett. Those are simple rules, fair, and easy to use.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 18:02

Your dp sounds as if he’s had great parenting and he wishes to perpetuate it.

DixieFlatline · 22/04/2018 18:12

Does your partner realise this is a human child, not a pet to teach irritating tricks to and regret doing so later?

missyB1 · 22/04/2018 18:16

Then you have a Dp problem - good luck!

Scabetty · 22/04/2018 18:18

If he gets used to putting his fingers on other people’s food he is going to have problems eating in school. Some children have no table etiquette. One child this year chewed food, decided he didn’t want it and put it on another child’s plate. Uproar

Clutterbugsmum · 22/04/2018 18:22

DP won’t agree. He says he’ll parent how he likes. In that case make it very clear to DP he deals with the consequences of his actions. I would tell DP that you will leave and eat elsewhere every time DS kicks off.

How DS behave when it just you and him, does he behave and eat nicely if he does I would praise him for his good behaviour.

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 18:29

This is a DP post in disguise.

In isolation the egg thing is daft & irritating (I wouldn’t like someone to do that to me), but is it out of character for your DP? Or is he generally kind of foolish and mean to DS?

OneStepSideways · 22/04/2018 18:31

Your DP did nothing wrong by taking a piece of his egg IMO. Families are supposed to share treats. If my DD made a fuss about a family member taking a piece of her chocolate I would laugh and tell her she should have offered. We've taught her to share food and treats from a young age so there's no 'mine' and 'yours' between family. Her cousins are the same.

In your shoes I wouldn't tolerate hoarding food or refusing to share at the table or a picnic. Time out, the naughty step, sending him to his room while others eat until he learns food is for sharing. It will be hard for him at nursery/school if other kids label him as greedy and selfish with food. I would be very firm about it, it's unacceptable not to share.

Idontdowindows · 22/04/2018 18:32

DP won’t agree. He says he’ll parent how he likes.

In that case, he can deal with meal times and you will have a lovely meal in peace and quiet on your own in another room of the house. :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 18:40

OneStep
I could just see a 3 yo eloquently asking its parents if they wished to partake of said egg. Maybe treats can be shared. But adults especially should ask and get agreement. Not just steal. Manners work both ways.

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 18:48

@mummyofdragon

Agreed.

If DS stole food off someone’s plate at nursery he’d be in trouble. It’s bad behaviour to model.

Original poster

keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 18:50

“How DS behave when it just you and him, does he behave and eat nicely if he does I would praise him for his good behaviour.“

He behaves very well with just me. DP works away a lot so normally it isn’t an issue. This is the only hard time I have had with DS, he is such a good boy.

OP posts:

SilverBirchTree · 22/04/2018 18:51

OP, you don’t want to make a big deal of this and have DS associate drama and stress with food. These things can last a lifetime.

I wouldn’t bother ‘teaching’ him about sharing food right now. I’d be trying to avoid the battle for a while as a bit of a circuit break. Don’t serve foods he gets possessive about. Don’t serve communal food. Maybe don’t serve treats (less to get excited about) have a few weeks of no food battles and then see how he goes.

‘Parent how he likes’... yep... single parents get to do that

Amanduh · 22/04/2018 18:55

You seem obsessed with the his/yours:omg he’s told him to pinch food!! Who cares about pinching off plates?! Why are you obsessed with that?! Anyway... it’s a phase. Carry on sharing. It will pass

Original poster

keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 18:56

I have explained the school thing to DP, he doesn’t think anyone will care. “That’s what children do” apparently.

Well of course they do if they are taught to.

OP posts:

Original poster

keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 18:58

Lot of conflicting opinions here. Personally I don’t like the taking of food off others plates!

OP posts:

Coolaschmoola · 22/04/2018 19:00

Dear God, the DRAMA!!!!!

Not sharing is a totally normal phase. Just keep pushing the message.

All this hand wringing and over analysis must be exhausting.

GibbousMoon · 22/04/2018 19:01

Maybe DS is jealous that when DP turns up he gets ‘ignored’ by you compared to normal when it’s just you two so he is getting attention and showing his annoyance with DP by doing this. I would ignore and I’m sure he’ll grow out of it.

Original poster

keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 19:02

Ok, will ignore, thanks all.

OP posts:

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 22/04/2018 19:04

I honestly think making a big deal out of this is a huge mistake. His dad nicked a bit of chocolate as he went past. A joky, family thing

Agree with this

lils888 · 23/04/2018 00:10

I haven't rtft but I've had the exact opposite problem and I rectified it by imitating toddlers behaviour and him hating it. Dc2 kept stealing food from my plate, I gave him a plate full of treats and did exactly what he does to me - open mouth, say mine and take it. He was so upset and horrified that he hasn't actually done it to anyone since!

So maybe cook a load of food, sit everyone down to eat and you pretend to not share it?

Neves7 · 23/04/2018 01:01

How silly. A big fuss over something so trivial.

Treats should be shared anyhow and unless your partner took a huge bite and ate most of it it’s just silliness and no big deal.

Yes he should have asked first and should apologize but if one of my kids had had a temper tantrum over a bit of chocolate they would be in time out without any pretty darn quick.

Provided your son has no special needs or previous abuse issues (adopted/foster child where food hoarding might need to be handled more carefully) then you need to set some firm boundaries. Food in a family shouldnt belong to any one person. It’s shared according to hunger, tastes and need.

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