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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS not letting anyone else have food!

73 replies

keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 16:10

Posting for traffic because I didn't get any replies on the Parenting board. Sorry. Need help!

At Easter stupid DP stole a piece of DS's (3.5 years) Easter egg as he was walking past. DS went ballistic. Fair enough, it was his egg. DP's reaction was "Well it's only a bit of chocolate and that's what dads do" angry meaning that is what nasty FIL did to him.

DP is paying for it now.

Ever since, if there is something on the table that DS particularly likes to eat - banana, any fruit really, crisps when he's allowed, cheese and crackers... he will not share! He wants all to himself.

We had a picnic outside today in the garden, there was a good choice of fruit. DS decided no one except him could have any bananas or apples. We had to come back in again in the end because we were disturbing the neighbours with the racket!

When I'm alone with DS, he often offers to share his food (I'm low carb so don't actually want it!) but if DP is around (DP is DS's father) it's a different story.

PLEASE does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this. I've tried communal plates, sharing games, making sure everyone has a choice and is equal... nothing is helping. He's fine when we have something like spaghetti for dinner and everyone has the same, it tends to be with snack type food that DS is possessive. DS is a kind sweet little boy, this is the worst behavior we have from him. He usually doesn't even eat what he doesn't want anyone else to eat. It may be a stage he would have gone through anyway (is it?) or it may have been triggered by stupid DP taking his treat.

OP posts:
TipTopTat · 22/04/2018 16:49

Tell your DP to apologise to him, properly. By saying that he didn't mean to upset him but he thought he wouldn't mind sharing as that's what families do. That he would never take any important food off him (to stress this bit) but chocolate is for fun so he thought it would be funny and that DS might find it funny too. But now he knows he didn't find it funny and he's very sorry.

He's obviously freaked him out somehow with it and needs it rationalising in a way he can understand at 3. Maybe over a bag of giant buttons Wink

Original poster
keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 16:49

"...why didn't you just pick him up, take him inside put him down and tell him he may not join you until he can behave nicely."

I did.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 16:50

It’s a phase. It will pass. Your dp did a silly thing. My dh did this once too but he didn’t say that’s what fathers do as I got him to see the error of his ways as dh does when I make mistakes. Sometimes as parents we unwittingly do things, which can sometimes have unexpected consequences.

Perhaps you could try at each meal taking some time with your ds showing him plates as you put food on them and involve him in the process. Let your ds choose the bits he wants. Daddy needs to be involved in this one.

When my dd was little, she developed an intolerance to fruit yoghurts. So I bought yoghurts that I knew she wouldn’t want but wouldn’t give her a rash. To encourage her to eat them, I said they were daddy’s yoghurts and made a big secret out of it. “Shhhh don’t tell daddy”. My dd knows they’re not daddy’s yoghurts now. But you could perhaps have this little game if it would help and the trick is to never let your ds see your dp eating one and never let your dp see your ds eating one.

corythatwas · 22/04/2018 16:51

BarbarianMum Sun 22-Apr-18 16:38:06
Don't take food off him. Just give him his portion and you have yours. Then ignore all tantrums. This type of "1 each" sharing might be easier for him than making him give you something as this is such a flashpoint right now*

This.

*Idontdowindows Sun 22-Apr-18 16:39:14 .

If he grabs food off other people's plates "you move him out of reach.

If he screams and shouts HE goes in time out and you continue as you were.*

And this.

A combination of these two: share out everybody's share with the minimum of fuss, then remove him if he shouts (but carry on enjoying your own food). Basically, he needs to see that this is not a big deal, it's just something that is going to happen and that you're not in the least worried about being able to ensure it does.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 16:53

Just from your post, I would say not “choose which crisps daddy can have”. Longer term, this could lead to your ds potentially thinking he has to make decisions, which will feel scary. “We have 3 packets of crisps. One each. You choose which packet you want first and daddy and I will choose ours.”

I also agree with the proper apology over chocolate buttons.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 16:54

Oh sorry. Scrap my last post. I misread what you said.

ShapelyBingoWing · 22/04/2018 16:57

I really don't believe your DP did anything bad or nasty. Not particularly wise and sets a slightly bad example but not worth blaming this behaviour on at all.

I'm afraid in your shoes I'd be disciplining the poor behaviour.

BertrandRussell · 22/04/2018 17:06

I honestly think making a big deal out of this is a huge mistake. His dad nicked a bit of chocolate as he went past. A joky, family thing.

You don’t want massive analysis and apologies. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

essietopcoat · 22/04/2018 17:13

When my kids were that age we stored all their easter eggs in the food cupboard and rationed what they could have - and yes, ate some of it too. Was this terrible behaviour by us?

I don't think your DP did anything wrong.

Katedotness1963 · 22/04/2018 17:13

A three year old does not get to dictate what people get to eat. Asking him what dad can have is a mistake. Your partner apologised at the time and gave him chocolate? How did it get blown out of all proportion?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/04/2018 17:14

Stop allowing your 3 year old to rule the roost! "Not letting", indeed...

Notevilstepmother · 22/04/2018 17:21

I’m with those who think you should dish out food on plates and then ignore any tantrums. Any attempts to take other people’s food should be told no we don’t do that. Any attempt at “but daddy took my food” should be met with a swift “daddy already said sorry, we don’t take other people’s food do we”.

I do think you are worrying too much, which is understandable but it will be ok. Try not to make a big deal of it.

His dad also seems to be worried, if he doesn’t want tomatoes then leave him alone. His dad does seem to be giving mixed messages, perhaps you can speak to him about this.

corythatwas · 22/04/2018 17:25

What the dp did was snatch food in full view, so setting a bad example. When the ds does the same, it is bad behaviour, so chances are it always was. It was not a massive thing, it doesn't turn the dad into a nasty person- any more than the ds is a nasty person. But it's not something you want to see either. The problem with jokey family behaviour is that it's often a bit one-sided. Real jokes are funny for everyone.

But as the dh has apologised, this should now be at an end. Not be rehashed again, any more than you're going to go on rehashing your ds' food snatching once he stops doing it. Move forward, nobody snatches food, everybody gets their own portion, and everybody gets to keep their own portion.

I have always found it a good family policy to let each day have enough of its own troubles. A bad memory is an excellent parenting resource. Grin

BertrandRussell · 22/04/2018 17:28

Well, dad should apologise for an ill judged joke. Which he has-and it shouldn't be mentioned again. Not for taking a bit of chocolate.

RidingWindhorses · 22/04/2018 17:37

I honestly think making a big deal out of this is a huge mistake. His dad nicked a bit of chocolate as he went past. A joky, family thing

This.

I'm not convinced the two things are related, I think you've linked them out of guilt.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 22/04/2018 17:38

If it's on your plate, it's yours
This, agree with your DP this is the rule, tell DS kindly but firmly then stick to it for everyone always, regardless of tantrums.

Highhorse1981 · 22/04/2018 17:43

Oh Come on OP... your partner nicked a bit of chocolate! Should have been made light of.

Your concern shouldn’t be how your child has responded to this situation. He has over reacted and doesn’t appear to be showing any signs of resilience. You need to help him out with that.

Highhorse1981 · 22/04/2018 17:43

Your concern should be

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 22/04/2018 17:47

(If someone pinched my chocolate I’d probably have a tantrum too Grin)

eurochick · 22/04/2018 17:47

You are in danger of raising a mini dictator. He's three! Just parent him. He needs to learn to share.

Original poster
keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 17:51

FFS I've just caught DP again telling DS that he can "pinch" his food.

(From his plate) DS had exactly the same on his plate.

OP posts:
TrudeauGirl · 22/04/2018 17:53

If your partner has apologised then it should be the end if it. But to be honest I don't see the big deal over chocolate, but I don't know how a 3 year old would think.

Think this may have been blown out of proportion a little bit. Just let him have own plate like others have said, but he shouldn't be telling other people what to eat or having a tantrum. Hopefully it is a phase

TrudeauGirl · 22/04/2018 17:53

Cross posted with your response sorry

missyB1 · 22/04/2018 17:54

Goodness me I cant believe you have let things get to this stage! Forget what happened with the flipping chocolate its irrelevant! Stop all this pandering nonsense about "nicking" off peoples plates. You and your partner need to agree that whats on your child's plate is what he has to eat end of story. And if he wants something from the fruit bowl he can ask and will be given it, but he absolutely does NOT get to dictate what anyone else can / can't have.

I would have put him inside for a time out when he started at the picnic.

Original poster
keepthepeace · 22/04/2018 17:57

DP won’t agree. He says he’ll parent how he likes.

OP posts: