To be feeling numb around my child...? Please help!

[Seekingadvice1980]

Just seeing if anyone has experienced this or has any advice as I’m desperate. Will try not to drip feed or bore you all senseless. First time poster so I’m very nervous.
I’m a single mum to a happy, healthy five year old girl. (Product of a conception in Australia, for a million reasons I won’t bore you with (mostly red tape) the father has nothing to do with us and never has which is fine). I’m south of England based now.
So I’ve always had her on my own which has definitely had its advantages but I’m now really struggling emotionally with it all.
The main problems are that I don’t feel particularly bonded with her and the time I spend with her I feel utterly empty inside and it’s just a joyless, boring experience. No matter what we are doing. Before you worry, she’s mostly oblivious to all of this as I put on an act when I’m with her and am all smiles etc. Consequently she’s an astonishingly happy, easy going and secure little thing, and is no trouble at all. (I get comments about this a lot so it’s not just me that thinks this.)
For background: I have an interesting, sociable job, good amount of friends and live in a decent house with a garden. I have to all intents and purposes a really good life and it kills me that I’m having to write this as it feels so ungrateful and trite. (My point is that I don’t think I have PND as everything else is fine).
It’s worth mentioning that she has never been and isn’t isn’t an affectionate child which I know has also affected our bond. She’s very independent and has never needed hugs or cuddles which I have really, really struggled with but have somewhat come to terms with now although i know it’s massively affected our bond.
So anyway it’s been five years now and I just wish that I could actively enjoy my one-on-one time with her and I’d love for someone to help me do this.
I have this constant guilty feeling that I’m wasting and wishing away her childhood and that I will live to regret it and I just can’t stand that thought. She was a very much wanted baby. (As in I always wanted to be a mum so was pleased that I was pregnant) I just never thought I’d feel so numb about it all. I truly hate myself for it and I’d dearly love it to improve so hence me reaching out to see what you lovely folk can suggest....?
Please please be gentle, I hate myself and my situation enough and it’s taken all my courage to write this so hoping not to be too beaten up..
Thank you so much. xxx

Sounds to me like you are doing a good job. Do you think you might be physically or emotionally unwell? It would be impossible to advise you on here. You have made a good start in putting down your feelings. Maybe you need to find a real person to talk to? Friends, professional or counselling. None of us are islands. Many people will be wanting to give you quick fix ideas. Perhaps you feel lonely. Focus on the fact that your little girl is happy for a start. Many little girls are healthily independant and shun cuddles at an early age.

I’m not sure about being unwell as I’m fine at work and around my friends. It’s when I’m with her that I feel empty. Sounds awful. I’m hoping that maybe it’s becuase children can be a bit boring and maybe we will become closer as she ages? It’s all I’m clinging on to.
I’ve not really admitted this to my friends no as I can’t bear the thought of people in real life knowing this is how I feel as I’m so ashamed.

You have been so honest in your post.

It must be really tough to feel the way you do when you're with your daughter.
Two things stand out for me.

Firstly, you're very hard on yourself and secondly, you give yourself no credit for the fact your dd is so happy and content. This hasn't happened by accident! Despite how you feel, you've been there for her and met all her needs.

I think as she grows up, you will enjoy her company more and find shared interests.

For now, though, if it's an option, I would find a private counsellor that you felt comfortable with and share how you feel. I totally understand how telling friends and family is a step too far. But sharing it with a professional, who can explore your feelings with you could help so much.

Your post has really touched me and I really hope you find the support and acceptance of yourself that you deserve.

You’re post made me think of my friend who is experiencing something not too dissimilar.

She has a little girl aged just over 3 and is a single mother, the father has never wanted anything to do with the child. My friend, ever since we were going, had always said she wanted to be a mother and having a child would mean everything to her etc. However, the reality has been very different and she doesn’t know what to think about her child and seems confused about how she feels about her. The little girl isn’t affectionate, if anything she’s quite vicious, hitting out and shrieking at my friend and parenting is not what she envisaged it would be.

She takes her daughter on days out all the time, to outsiders she would appear to be a mother who wants to do everything for her daughter but in reality the only reason she takes her out is because she can’t bear to be at home just the two of them. My friend said that when it’s just the two of them at home she doesn’t know what to say to her daughter or how to engage with her and that everything just feels a bit forced. She has actually used the word ‘numb’ before when trying to explain to me about how she feels about being a parent.

I really feel for her because she so desperately wanted a child and now she’s got one she’s realising that it’s not anything like she thought it would be. She says that she hates being a parent sometimes.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone

Maybe you're feeling numb around her on two counts: lack of affection from her and subconsciously distancing yourself from her because she doesn't need said affection. Its difficult interacting with someone, even a small someone, when they don't reciprocate. And that feeling of numbness is to protect yourself from being hurt. Some of us are very sensitive souls and feel things at greater depth than others.
My niece was like your daughter with her mum and although niece is older now at 25, when she was little my sister used to feel as you do and worried herself into a depression that their relationship would always be stiff and strained.
I used to go around there, pick my moment and model spontaneous bouts of affection directed at niece by sitting next to her, giving her a cuddle, stroking her hair and telling her I loved her and then we'd just get on with what we were doing like reading a story or colouring in. Niece didn't reciprocate for ages and often pushed me away but I persisted as did her mum. And one day, when she was seven, we both got hugs from her after a family party at mine.
These days she's still not the most affectionate member of the family and she gets irritated when people talk about feelings.
She's a doer rather than a thinker.
Her way of expressing affection is to make you a cup of tea rather than give you a hug when she sees you! And its all good.
You sound like a brilliant mum OP. You'll find a way.

Thank you so much for the kind and gentle advice and support. You’ve all brought tears to my eyes.
Counselling is probably the way forward you’re right. I will look into that.
I will admit that the affection has got better throughout the years. I try so hard to not force it and let her know that her body is her own and she’s doesn’t have to hug me because she feels she has to etc. But it’s so hard as it does make me think she doesn’t love me and it absolutely kills me as I love her very much despite everything.
However I know if someone gave me a time machine I would go back in time and would never have got pregnant in the first place. That’s awful isn’t it? I’m trying to be honest as this is the first time I’ve ever really admitted what’s going on but it’s also so upsetting to see it all written down like this.
Thank you again for all of your lovely replies. Xxx

Pallas you’re exactly right about the numb thing. I have always been a very sensitive and affection person and lately I am so so numb. I feel like I’ve completely lost all sense of who I am because I’ve had to spend five years building up such a thick skin as it hurt so deeply every single time I felt rejected by her. (About 20 times a day). Hmmm no wonder I feel so disconnected from her hey?

Super123 your post touched me too thank you. I hope her happiness means I’m doing something right. I always put it down to her personality!

Could there be an element that motherhood has not been as you had imagined it? And maybe unless you let go of what it “should be like” you can’t enjoy how it is? (Please ignore if this is not the case at all)

Abitlost yes absolutely! I definitely imagined having this amazing love and bond that everyone talks about. I assumed I would have a close relationship with my child and it would be really special. I just thought that’s automatically what happens. I have learned this is not the case and it’s hard!

I wonder if you would benefit from some of the theraplay attachment and trust building play programmes that are aimed at adopted dc?

I’m no expert on them but I think they include things like swimming together, games that involve physical contact and eye contact, age appropriate skin to skin.

I wonder about pnd? Do you feel there is any chance you had this? I think speaking to gp about how you feel and seeking counselling might help?

Not everyone falls in line with their child immediately and it can take lots of time. Some children are very different from us which can be a shock!

In love not in line - sorry.

I haven’t used this game but have seen it recommended:

familylinks.org.uk/shop/nurturing-game

I definitely did have pnd when she started to crawl (away from me- no coincidence there) for a few years.
But the thing is I’m so happy when I’m at work or with friends or on my own (Basically just away from her) that I can’t see how I can be depressed when it’s so selective?

I guess what I’m saying is not necessarily that you have pnd now but that I think it can affect the quality of your maternal feeling of attachment (I’m no expert and not an hcp but have read this). So going back and exploring your feelings at that time and going through a workbook of attachment promoting activities may really help.

Just an idea

What’s your relationship with your own Mum like?

OP I think being a parent is the most exposing thing there is. That stress you hide when you’re with your friends, that anxiety you never let show at work - guess where it ends up? In making you feel numb at the one point where no-one can judge you. I also think being a single parent is incredibly hard and could easily leave you feeling like you’re crap when in fact you’re doing brilliantly. If your daughter is happy at the moment, maybe cut yourself a break, work out what would help you feel better (don’t discount either medication or counselling, both are very valuable) and go from there

Surely depression can be a situational thing.
If you feel happy at work presumably that's because there you have status and respect and feedback from peers so you know what you are doing is correct and has worth.
On your own you're happy just to destress.
With your daughter part of you is worrying that things aren't as you think they should be and that this is affecting your daughter.

Counselling could help give you feedback, either to reassure you you're doing ok, or to give guidance in things you could do better.

I am wondering if you are maybe over analysing it all and you need to try to experience motherhood as it is for you and not how you imagined. Like, your daughter doesn't behave how you imagined so i think that now you've acknowledged that she is independent and not very affectionate, maybe just expect that and forget what other cuddly children are like. You also might find it boring if you're doing what you think is expected of you as a mum. Like I hate going to playgroup, play doh is boring etc. Do you like to travel? Go to festivals? With one child as long as it's not inappropriate you can usually just take them anywhere with you. Maybe you're not doing what YOU enjoy in your time with her.

Onceuponatime yes I can see thimw logic in that. I’d not considered that before.
Irrelevantpeasant - funnily enough it’s terrible! Huge unaffectinate narcissist. I’ve done a bit of work around it and put up huge boundaries with her etc but I know it still affects my relationship with my daughter....

I could have written your post, OP. I'm 16 months in and often feeling exactly the same. I'm just beginning to pursue an attachment based intervention via the health visitor, although I understand your DD is older. Is there any way you can talk confidentially to someone who deals with SEN or counselling at school? From Googling attachment therapy, I've discovered that much of it is aimed at parents and children who are on the autistic spectrum. I'm not suggesting that you or your DD are, just that SEN at school might be able to point you in the right direction?

It may also be helpful to do some thinking about your own attachment style. There's a bit of stuff/quizzes etc online. It's helping me with rationalising my thinking.

I am seeing history repeat irself, as my own relationship with my mum has been distant. Then again, I may just be projecting that onto my DD.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone and that there's no shame and a huge amount of courage involved in asking for help to make sense of it.

Your daughter may be just a self contained person, or dislike close contact and hugs, or may even be on the autistic spectrum. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
Lots of mums find very small children boring and exhausting, but go on to have a good relationship with them when they're older and more interesting.
There does seem to be a bit of a clash between expectation and reality going on - you hoped for a huggy, affectionate child, and some feedback and reassurance that you were loved, and instead got a rather cool and undemonstrative independent child.
I agree with the pps who suggested some counselling -I think you would find it a great relief to get your feelings out in the open with a non judgmental adult, who would help you to process it all.
And I think it would be good if you eventually started dating again, and got some hugs and affection from a partner, so you weren't solely dependent on your daughter for this - especially if she finds it difficult to provide any!

Someone lovely on MN when I posted about this before described it as like throwing rocks into a pond every time you consciously or unconsciously do something for your DD. Slowly and without realising, you fill up the gulf between you with tiny acts of love and then one day you can walk across all the rocks in the pond and walk away together and it's all fine. The mental image of that has helped me a lot. I hope you don't mind me sharing.

There’s a book by Jasmin Lee Cori (not sure about spelling) that I got off Amazon called the emotionally absent mother. It’s been a huge help to me working through issues similar to those you describe. I was amazed actually with the issues it brought to light. Would definitely recommend reading it if you can x