To be feeling numb around my child...? Please help!

[Seekingadvice1980]

Just seeing if anyone has experienced this or has any advice as I’m desperate. Will try not to drip feed or bore you all senseless. First time poster so I’m very nervous.
I’m a single mum to a happy, healthy five year old girl. (Product of a conception in Australia, for a million reasons I won’t bore you with (mostly red tape) the father has nothing to do with us and never has which is fine). I’m south of England based now.
So I’ve always had her on my own which has definitely had its advantages but I’m now really struggling emotionally with it all.
The main problems are that I don’t feel particularly bonded with her and the time I spend with her I feel utterly empty inside and it’s just a joyless, boring experience. No matter what we are doing. Before you worry, she’s mostly oblivious to all of this as I put on an act when I’m with her and am all smiles etc. Consequently she’s an astonishingly happy, easy going and secure little thing, and is no trouble at all. (I get comments about this a lot so it’s not just me that thinks this.)
For background: I have an interesting, sociable job, good amount of friends and live in a decent house with a garden. I have to all intents and purposes a really good life and it kills me that I’m having to write this as it feels so ungrateful and trite. (My point is that I don’t think I have PND as everything else is fine).
It’s worth mentioning that she has never been and isn’t isn’t an affectionate child which I know has also affected our bond. She’s very independent and has never needed hugs or cuddles which I have really, really struggled with but have somewhat come to terms with now although i know it’s massively affected our bond.
So anyway it’s been five years now and I just wish that I could actively enjoy my one-on-one time with her and I’d love for someone to help me do this.
I have this constant guilty feeling that I’m wasting and wishing away her childhood and that I will live to regret it and I just can’t stand that thought. She was a very much wanted baby. (As in I always wanted to be a mum so was pleased that I was pregnant) I just never thought I’d feel so numb about it all. I truly hate myself for it and I’d dearly love it to improve so hence me reaching out to see what you lovely folk can suggest....?
Please please be gentle, I hate myself and my situation enough and it’s taken all my courage to write this so hoping not to be too beaten up..
Thank you so much. xxx

I sometimes go through mini stages of this with my child. I feel like he's pulling away from be a bit - doesn't seem to like me or love me like he should do so I start to withdraw and it's a viscous circle. Then I realised this is what happened with me and my Mum. I didn't trust her because I didn't think she liked me enough so she would withdraw from me and the void just got bigger and bigger. As soon as I recognised this,I now start to make s massive effort to be more loving and present around my child and it works so quickly, he's very quickly more loving back. So when I feel he's withdrawing from me now I know that I must have slacked again and I'm not being present enough or showing enough love to him so instead of sulking I can fix it. Don't let that void grow, I guess it can grow so big it can't be filled sometimes. Kids are so aware of feelings no matter how you mask them. Make a special effort, put down your phone, ask for cuddles and face the rejection until she's ready to trust. Stroke her hair etc. And offer to play (I find this really hard) Little things that show you love her. Once you see the response you will see that you can change things. It just doesn't come totally natural to you like me xx

Aww op firstly you sound like you are an awesome mum so please don't feel bad !

I honestly think you could be depressed , I didn't know I was depressed untill I wasn't anymore if you see what I mean ! I felt that numb empty feeling and it was always miles miles worse at home I think at work which for me is also very sociable I didn't notice it ny where near as much so you could be fooled into thinking being at home and your child is making you feel like that when in actual fact when you are more occupied with more stimulating adult conversation and work etc you don't feel it as much ??

Could be totally wrong but just a thought ! for you

Honestly, kids can be boring. I think your been way too harsh on yourself here, we've all seen way too much media that makes parenting seem idyllic, joyful and our purpose. In reality I have three kids, sometimes I feel bored, frustrated, not joyful etc about them. But you know what, I love my kids fiercely, they mean the world to me and their happiness is my highest priority. That is enough, although we are brainwashed by society to be so maternal, enjoy every minute and adore them etc. Who adores mundane hard work, tantrums etc. Nobody looks at their adult children like they do a toddler, but that love is always there. Kids just wanna be loved, they don't need you to be perfect or crazy about spending time with them. You honestly sound like a normal fed up parent to me, I can go days without enjoying my kids. But the love is what makes us pay attention when we CBA, it's what makes us make sure they grow up happy. Please don't beat yourself up, I used to do this. One day I stopped telling myself I wasn't good enough, you will naturally probably enjoy your child a bit more aswell if the fear of not been enough is set aside :)

It can be hard letting go of how we thought our life would be, it’s a kind of grief. Sometimes (again I may be completely wrong) we can focus that on one subject (like motherhood) and that can just be the more obvious but not the actual only one.

I think the numbness is a protection thing. I wonder if you feel rejected by your DD and as such, and as a pp has said, you are numbing down your feelings when around her. I do something similar with my DH, it’s really awful so I feel for you a lot, especially as this is your child. I also wonder if you feel out of your depth with your dd as her personality is not what you expected, again numbing yourself so that your critical voice either about your dd or about how you are with her doesn’t read it’s ugly head.

I'm a single parent and recognise some of what you describe.

I struggle with a whole day at home so always try to get out. Today we got home and put telly on and sat not engaging for afternoon. I went upstairs and put away washing - sometimes I just need to be alone.

I'm an introvert and have read that alone time gives introverts energy, whereas company can be draining. It's certainly true for me. I feel guilty about this and worry my child will sense that I want to get away.

No advice but I wanted to share that I don't think it's uncommon.

And I agree with nell I'm also a single mum and while I love it , when I have time off work I can't just be at home everyday is go insane !! I also feel re energised with time alone !!

OP the physical contact thing is very interesting - as a single parent do you think you are missing a physical closeness with other people and it makes it feel more painful that you don't get it from her?

I also agree you may be setting your standards too high.

Being a single parent of an only child is incredibly hard - no release at all for either of you. My children play with each other a lot - I can't imagine how much more attention they would need if they didn't have each other. And I have my partner to talk to constantly

Essentialy your situation is a tough one as you are thrown upon each other every minute of every day. I think you should give yourself a break and accept its hard but you do love her!

Hello I will reply properly to this tomorrow! Just wanted to say thank you again for your lovely kind replies. Just had a 14 hour work day so can’t see straight but I will ASAP.

op I’m really glad talking about it is helping

My niece is 8 and has a variety of issues. One of the symptoms is a lack of affection and a refusal to hug and kiss (we think she is high functioning autistic but still in process of diagnosis). My sister has persisted. At first it was a high five as a greeting that earned her a treat. Teaching her that family expect to be greeted with physical contact and a greeting. It has taken time but we now get a hello, how are you and a hug or a high five.

I think maybe you should introduce some affection demands on your daughter. Slowly slowly but it isn’t unreasonable that she should hug you now and then. You just have to resist being hurt when she rejects your advances at first!

Cath2907 do you not think training a child that people expect to be greeted physically is a bit much? I don't hug anyone but my DH and my kids. Nobody is a performing seal, yes love bombing is great but only if the child wants it, demanding affection to appear socially acceptableis cruel imo

The one thing about motherhood and children is, everything is stages. Lots of good advice above about counselling. I just wanted to say that I found the baby bit very hard, I was never that fond of babies generally. Younger children CAN also be very boring at times. I remember before having my children, being shocked when a work colleague was talking so lovingly to her 3 yr old DD on the phone after her DP had picked her up from nursery. She then put the phone down, looked at me, and said “Oh sometimes, she is SO BORING!”.

Both mine have been physically affectionate - I would have found it really difficult if they weren’t so I feel for you there. But, especially with my DD, I have found that we are almost “bonding afresh” as she matures, develops her own ideas and opinions. She is 10 now and some of the nicest moments are just sharing time, like tidying her room together and talking about all sorts - funny things that happened to me when I was a child, or when I worked, our views on vegetarianism or Donald Trump, or sexism, or what colour to paint the walls. It may be that this will be an easier time for you and your DD, when you can talk, not exactly like you would to a friend, of course, but when you can talk about interests and have a joke together.
The great thing is that you are going through the motions, and I am sure you probably have more of a bond than you think.

It could simply be a hormonal thing. Perhaps speak to a doctor about Oxytocin therapy/replacement?