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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'No presents please'

46 replies

Hauskat · 21/04/2018 20:03

DD is turning 3 and having a party. We are inviting all the kids at her nursery and their parents and siblings as well. I'm aware it will be a madhouse but we are hiring a venue, the party is only 90 mins of our lives and I honestly can't wait to meet everyone!
Thats right meet because other than her BF's parents I don't know any of the other mums and dads. I'm looking forward to it because very few of my friends (okay one of my friends) have kids so DD doesn't have friends for all that fun sharing stuff she so needs. Also while I used to (arrogantly) feel I didn't want 'mummy friends' I'm really excited at the prospect of finding others out there who may or may not have found fragments of a custard cream INSIDE their trouser leg at some point or suffered from mastitis or squared up to the baffling algorithm that is balancing home and career (read: I don't currently have one).
Irrelevant stuff aside the point is I don't know these people, they don't know me or my daughter, would I BU to write 'No presents please' on the invitation? Although I live in a tiny flat I am not at all tat adverse but I hate the idea of anyone having any extra anxiety that might be a barrier to them coming to the party. DD won't be expecting gifts, her actual birthday is the day before and she will have had her fill of them then and I have no bloody intention of opening any on the day itself, I'm sure one or two people will bring one anyway which is lovely but I don't want anyone to feel any kind of obligation.
What would you think if you saw those words on an invitation? Would you call childlike? Assume I only ate kale? Feel more confused? Or actually be quite relieved?

OP posts:

Original poster

Hauskat · 21/04/2018 20:05

....childline, I meant childline...

OP posts:

whiningandwining · 21/04/2018 20:07

We did a no presents party. Most people stuck to it, and we had a few comments along the line of it being a sensible option for a big party!

I think people understand it's tricky. Hope you have a great party, and meet lots of nice parents.

TipTopTat · 21/04/2018 20:09

"No presents please, just bring yourselves!"

Mybabystolemysanity · 21/04/2018 20:09

I don't think that's unreasonable. We did it on our wedding invitations. We just said we have a very tiny house and everything we needed. We asked people to spend anything they would have spent on gifts on enjoying the day instead. We were still given lots of things. I can't bear it when people give you things. They become little parcels of guilt and obligation. I'd much rather just see people and spend time with them.

WanderlustHenpeck · 21/04/2018 20:10

I would understand. It's nice for the children to have the presents I suppose but I too would do the same for a big party. 20/30 presents is too many. Too much plastic tat/rubbish nobody really needs or wants.

I would be fine if that was written on an invite. We will likely be doing the same for my DS's party.

If it was a small party with only 6-7 friends then I wouldn't say no presents as the gifts could be opened with the gift giver there and it is nice to open pressies with friends.

Starlighter · 21/04/2018 20:10

I don’t think you need to say no presents. Most people will get a little something anyway, it probably wouldn’t make a difference to whether they come or not.

Personally, I couldn’t turn up to a child’s birthday party without a present, that would make me feel even more awkward to be honest!

Sortingfinances · 21/04/2018 20:10

Fabulous idea - 30 odd presents for any age child always seems way over the top.
I like your thinking. And timing great for your dd the day after her birthday.
I would think what a sensible person you were and be thankful for not having to do last minute (its always last minute ) present shopping.

flowerslemonade · 21/04/2018 20:11

It sounds totally fine if that's your preference :)

Sandsnake · 21/04/2018 20:11

I’d think you were eminently sensible. You sound very nice. It can be a bit of a crowd splitter on here, but personally I think there’s no need for presents at parties for children that young and it’s just something we do as it’s the ‘done thing’ (me included - I’ve bought a present for a two year old’s party tomorrow!). Enjoy the party!

flowerslemonade · 21/04/2018 20:12

I'd be completely OK with it and just turn up with a nice card.

Fruitcorner123 · 21/04/2018 20:13

There's no need for presents but people don't mind getting them and I am sure it wouldn't put anyone off coming.

littlecabbage · 21/04/2018 20:14

I think it is a good thing, in the current climate of looking at consumerism and excess waste. I wish we could move to a system where all parties are “no presents” and all party bags (and contents) are plastic free.

I feel uncomfortable ending up with a load of plastic tat that my DCs don’t even play with, but haven’t felt brave enough to state “no presents”. It’s not that I think other parents will react badly, it’s more that I fear my children will think they’re missing out. They are older than your DD and would notice that other kids receive presents and yet they do not. Good for you, I suspect no-one will mind.

Katedotness1963 · 21/04/2018 20:20

I've seen people collect for the local animal rescue centre instead of gifts. Would you be interested in that? No one has to come empty handed, a charity gets help, and your child gets to visit animals and bring them food/treats.

I'd feel really bad arriving at a child's birthday party without anything.

Crispbutty · 21/04/2018 20:26

I always feel sorry for the child that doesn’t get presents. How do you explain it when you take your child to a party and they hand over a gift and wonder why nobody brought any for them.

SaltireSaltire · 21/04/2018 20:37

‘Please do not bring presents, it you feel you want to give something a small box will be available to donate some change to Save the Children’

HighwayDragon1 · 21/04/2018 20:55

To me 'no presents' reads as 'cash please'

implantsandaDyson · 21/04/2018 21:01

I'd probably internally eye roll but it's your child's party. I think even though the intentions are great it can come across a little sanctimonious and po faced. Most people I know would stick a fiver in a card if you specified no presents.

I also think that it can put a bit of pressure on the next person having a birthday party to do the same thing.

Original poster

Hauskat · 21/04/2018 21:04

Wow thanks for all the responses! It's really great to get a sense of perspective because, staggeringly perhaps (was nanny for years...), I haven't even been to a 3 year olds birthday party before.
For those who would feel embarrassed turning up without a present how could I help you, because I would feel that way too if it was a wedding and then I would be so stressed if there wasn't a gift list or specific disclaimer? The party isn't themed (but the invites aren't out yet so I can stick something on there to act as a clue to DD's preferences if it would help the task of present buying be less onerous?)
I think I would feel uncomfortable suggesting a charity as it is still asking for an outlay of cash which to me at least feels stressful most of the time and I'd really rather just try and make my guests drink a glass of wine too early in the day and ideally leave feeling fuller, sleeper but marginally less stressed (that said there are party blowers ... and 12 kids I may be dreaming.......)
Thats for all the supportive comments! I have NO idea of kids party etiquette so its really nice!

OP posts:

MeYouWye · 21/04/2018 21:07

Sounds fine. Maybe your could consider something like Kindergifts.co.uk, and ask people to donate to a main item and to a charity?

Original poster

Hauskat · 21/04/2018 21:12

oh balls just read your responses HighwayDragon and implantsandaDyson would you feel that was expected even if you hadn't even met the child?
Because I'd only stick cash in a card for a niece or something.
I get that it might look super hempy and sanctimonious. Would a glittery unicorn shaped piñata and a gold paper cup of prosseco assuage those ideas?

OP posts:

Smellyjo · 21/04/2018 21:13

Personally I think it's great and would do this, I'd appreciate it as an attendee and not think you sanctimonious. However the replies show a range of feelings about it so it seems you may just need to accept pleasing some and not others. I think like people have said, some will still bring presents so your kid won't be the one with no gifts.

Smellyjo · 21/04/2018 21:14

Although having said this I wanted to say no presents at my wedding but allowed myself to be overruled by all the people in my life who were upset by the idea.

PinotMwah · 21/04/2018 21:19

I don't think YABU at all but I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that some of the parents will probably ignore this request -- I think a lot of people think they can't accept people's hospitality without bringing a present.

Tartsamazeballs · 21/04/2018 21:26

I think the problem you have with no present parties is that if 10 guests ignore it and still bring a present and 1 guest doesn't then life gets awkward for that 1 guest.

I'd personally be neurotic and pack an emergency present in my bag lol 😂

SaltireSaltire · 21/04/2018 21:39

If you get presents you don’t want, give them to the local hospital or charity.
If you have an optional charity box for ‘spare change’, nobody will expect to give much unless they want to, and it would be anonymous anyway.

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