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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice please!

40 replies

namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 19:45

Posted elsewhere earlier but thought I'd try here too for traffic. Sorry but I'm desperate Need of help suggestions opinions and advice please!!

Separated from ex. 15 month old DS. Ex has DS 1 day a week whilst I'm working.

In the last few weeks, every time I collect DS ex tells me something about DS that isn't true. Eg soiled clothes, horrific nappies but with awful inappropriate language etc.

I picked him up today and he said (with the language) that DS had a nappy leak (soiled) but he hasn't changed his clothes as there weren't any in his bag (that I provide - and that's not true there was)

Anyway when I got DS home after an extremely uncomfortable car ride (approx 10 mins) I go to change him to find he is red raw and his vest and shorts are absolutely disgusting. He was screaming when I was trying to clean him. Think new wee and poo on top of old.

I've confronted him and he just said he didn't realise the newest additions. He claims to love DS and wanna spend time with him and see him etc but sounds utterly disgusted and put out when he tells me he's had to deal with nappies and other normal baby activities.

Anything I can do/what would you do?? I have taken pics on my phone of a few incidents. This has been every week for 4/5 weeks now. Thank you

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 21/04/2018 19:46

I would stop contact until both have grown up.
He is guilty of neglect, why would you continue to send you dc to him?

northbynorthwesty · 21/04/2018 19:48

Oh gosh. That sounds worrying! I don’t have any experience of this. Would recommend that you write the incidents down in a diary.

I’m sure other people on here will have advice !

Shizzlestix · 21/04/2018 19:50

He is neglecting your child. I would refuse contact as he doesn’t seem to care. He can go through the courts and you can show your evidence.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/04/2018 19:50

I would stop your DS from going and let your ex take you to court for supervised access, rather than the current unsupervised that he can't seem to handle.

BlondeB83 · 21/04/2018 19:53

That is neglect. Do not let him have your child unsupervised.

Original poster
namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 19:54

I already have 3/4 pages of A4 notes for other things that have happened too. They are somewhere on MN on other threads but I thought it would all be worth noting. I have pics of tonight too. He says he changed him only bout 40 mins before I picked him up but his vest was so wet nappy saggy and the soiled nappy was stuck to him he was red raw and really screamed when I was trying to clean him. He says he just didn't notice

OP posts:
lovetoomuchfood · 21/04/2018 19:56

Changing a child in a dirty nappy is a very basic need they have. He is neglecting a basic need, say he can't see DS until he's learnt how to meet his needs.

Original poster
namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 20:07

He must change him at least once every contact time - cause he's in a different nappy than he was in.

But it's mainly the lies that get me. Why keep telling me about DS having a nappy leak or dirty clothes etc. He bags them up and puts them in a nappy bag and then makes a massive fuss about it telling me when I pick him up. I've text him before and confronted him about it not being true and he either says 'well I didn't inspect them' or just ignores me completely. The list (or A4 pages) goes on but I just don't know what to do

For those who like browsing threads, I am also the person who's ex wants to take DS on holiday for 8 days after behaving like this constantly and only seeing him couple hours a week. Although he's still not mentioned a single thing yet and they're due to go in 2 and a half weeks HmmHmmHmm

OP posts:
userabcname · 21/04/2018 20:17

I would not let my son visit anyone who would ignore such a basic need. Your poor baby. Tell him he can see DS with you (at times to suit you, not him) but all unsupervised contact will end. If he's not happy with that then stop contact completely.

Olympiathequeen · 21/04/2018 20:19

I would gather evidence to stop contact. My sons safely and well-being comes first

Original poster
namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 20:22

I'm trying to recall other incidents I've written down and got recorded. Just a few as examples. They probably sound small and petty all separate but al together week after week with the limited contact he has it's ridiculous.

I work 4 days per week and ex works 6 days a week he has Saturdays off I work Saturdays.

OP posts:
louise5754 · 21/04/2018 20:38

Your poor boy. What was the ex like with him when you were together? Changing nappies / feeding / bathing etc x

Original poster
namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 20:42

@louise5754 we split up when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I've done everything on my own from day 1.

When DS was a baby he came over twice a week, then changed to once a week when he came over for couple of hours then when I changed jobs and work on contact day we arranged he would pick him up from my parents in the afternoon and have him for couple of hours and I pick him up when I've finished work

OP posts:
Bigpizzalover · 21/04/2018 20:50

Certainly wouldn’t be letting him take him on holiday, if he can’t remember or doesn’t notice to change a nappy, how will he remember suncream, not to let him drown in the pool, remember he has DS with him and not to wander off. Not chances I would want to take.

I would stop access - if he wants to see him he can see him supervised at your parents whilst you work. If he’s not happy with that I would stop contact altogether, he can then get solicitors and courts/mediation involved and you will have all your evidence to support your reasoning.

Original poster
namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 20:54

@Bigpizzalover the whole legal route scares me. The guy is a compulsive liar (100% the reason we split up in the first place he used to lie to me about the tiniest things in life for absolutely no reason down to what he had for dinner the nights I was home late) it's my word vs his I can supply all my records and notes etc but he can just go 'that's not true I love my DS I do as much as I can for him I pay for him' blah blah blah and then they'll side with him and give him 3/4 days bd nights a week etc. He can tell them whatever he wants

OP posts:
condepetie · 21/04/2018 20:55

That's disgusting, even a saggy wee nappy is hard to ignore but a soiled one - and so badly soiled? How long did he ignore the smell!? If he can't deal with normal baby things like changing a shitty nappy then he can't look after his son on his own, simple as that. It's hardly difficult to not leave the baby sitting in his own mess for hours until it's dried and stuck to his skin. :(

Ceirrno · 21/04/2018 21:33

How is your DS at handover? I think that can say a lot

Bigpizzalover · 21/04/2018 23:09

I’ve been through it so I understand, ex DP used to say he was picking DC up at xxx time and then show up 3 hours late or not at all, would say DC had/hadn’t napped but I could tell by their behaviour etc I went to one of the free half hour sessions who advised me to keep a note of all conversations, times agreed and the times he actually came etc, how DC we’re on pick up and drop off and when things didn’t improve to stop contact. I did this, I also arranged and paid for mediation that he didn’t turn up to. After a while he took me to mediation and we came to an agreement on contact under the guidance if it was broken it would be heard in court.

Yes he can tell them what he wants, but with evidence such as the notes, texts between you and photos they don’t have to buy it. I would stick to questioning him about the nappies etc through text so you have a record. Ultimately what you choose to do is up to you but you need to think of your child’s welfare. Hope it works out x

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2018 23:48

You should never leave your child with him again. What you have described is flat out neglect and abuse. Don't risk tragedy by allowing him unsupervised visits.

Puffycat · 21/04/2018 23:54

You know the answer, end of

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2018 23:55

This has happened for the last few weeks?

Why haven't you stopped contact already?

Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 07:35

@Nanny0gg this particular incident hasn't been happening for weeks but it's the weird lies that have been going on for weeks, telling me he had an explosive nappy and had to change his trousers, then getting him home to find sparkly clean spotless trousers in a nappy bag. Telling me his nappy leaked wee and that his trousers needed changing, then me getting him to, again, sparkly clean sweet smelling trousers in the nappy bag cause trousers that had wee on them would smell a bit right?? But both of these examples his trousers have 'got it' but his vest miraculously escaped it?!!??

The list of A4 pages are mainly other things, such as

  • hardy playing/interacting with Ds when he has him (when he used to come round to visit
  • occasionally agreeing to 'babysit' but then text me all night asking wen I'm coming home and things he's said when I've returned
  • being stood by the door with his coat and shoes on ready to leave as soon as soon as I do get home
  • lying to me about seeing DS so he could go on holiday with his GF

Etc etc

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 08:46

If you continue to allow him access, then eventually it goes to Court, YOUR capability as a mother will be brought into question.

SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 08:53

To go down the legal route, he would have to pay a fortune so highly unlikely as he won't qualify for Legal Aid as that is only awarded to a parent when there is police documented evidence of the OTHER parent being abusive (DV & Child Abuse).
If he does, he HAS to attend mediation - you both are legally bound to as a first port of call. You can show mediators the evidence who will likely put Supervised contact in place at a contact centre.

I highly doubt it will ever get to Court! These cases rarely do. An order can be made out of court. Either way, CAFCASS will be involved who will assess you both. You show the CAFCASS worker your evidence - they will tell the court NOT to allow him unsupervised access and a supervised contact order is created. Job done.

These authorities/judges/CAFCASS workers have heard it allllll before from Dads lying, denying etc. They hear it every day. However YOU are the one with actual evidence.....

Seriously, if you continue contact, even one more instance, you will be heavily, heavily criticised and questioned about your capabilities as a mother and they could throw the word Neglectful towards you as well for allowing it, despite knowing he was being neglected. Any Solicitor will tell you this.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go find a free initial session with a Solicitor....ASAP

FASH84 · 22/04/2018 08:53

OP would your parents be willing to supervise contact at their house? I wouldn't be surprised if he starts finding excuses and not showing, by that way when you end up in court you've gone above and beyond whilst safeguarding DC

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