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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice please!

40 replies

namechanger200 · 21/04/2018 19:45

Posted elsewhere earlier but thought I'd try here too for traffic. Sorry but I'm desperate Need of help suggestions opinions and advice please!!

Separated from ex. 15 month old DS. Ex has DS 1 day a week whilst I'm working.

In the last few weeks, every time I collect DS ex tells me something about DS that isn't true. Eg soiled clothes, horrific nappies but with awful inappropriate language etc.

I picked him up today and he said (with the language) that DS had a nappy leak (soiled) but he hasn't changed his clothes as there weren't any in his bag (that I provide - and that's not true there was)

Anyway when I got DS home after an extremely uncomfortable car ride (approx 10 mins) I go to change him to find he is red raw and his vest and shorts are absolutely disgusting. He was screaming when I was trying to clean him. Think new wee and poo on top of old.

I've confronted him and he just said he didn't realise the newest additions. He claims to love DS and wanna spend time with him and see him etc but sounds utterly disgusted and put out when he tells me he's had to deal with nappies and other normal baby activities.

Anything I can do/what would you do?? I have taken pics on my phone of a few incidents. This has been every week for 4/5 weeks now. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 09:33

Thank you so much for all your replies! Feel totally lost

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 17:07

Sorry OP, Hope I haven't upset you. I just thought you'd appreciate honesty. If you need to talk, please pm me. Anytime x

Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 19:08

@SickofThomasTheTank no not at all it's fine!!! I appreciate your info I really do!! I feel awful when he has him and just hate when he's with him! I've had a lot of people saying to me that I'm lucky he 'puts up with' as little contact as he does, as if it was court ordered he would have had him a lot more than he does from a much earlier age!! That's from friends who are also separated/divorce from their experience. I worried that if he did take it down the legal route I'd lose DS to him a lot more than I do now cause I don't actually have evidence just written notes of things that have happened that I thought might be worth noting down when they happened cause they annoyed me! Such as the whole holiday with his girlfriend thing, had messaged declaring his undying love for DS and how much he wanted to see him etc then I find out he lied about his return date so he didn't have to see DS which he (slowly and reluctantly) admitted to. Hence the being lost comment. Some of it feels like I am just being petty and ridiculous but other times I want to cry.

DS is teething badly at the moment, and nearly all his poop-y nappies since last night have leaked out a little, but no where near to the extent of how I picked him up yesterday. Now I'm worrying about that.

But all the Lying stuff still stands ☹️☹️

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 19:16

No, he wouldn’t automatically get that at all! I’ve been through Court cases with people where CAFCASS have recommended Supervised Contact for a LOT less!

My advice - Call Social Services tomorrow morning. Ask their advice and also ask that they log it. Then you have that to fall back on in Court. However like I said, I highly highly doubt it would get to Court as A) It would cost so much he'd Have to represent himself (unless he’s a high earner?). Can you envisage him doing so? He wouldn’t be able to have his girlfriend in there with him.
And B: It has to go to Mediation first. It would come out in Mediation how he treats the child and then the mediator would report back to Solicitor (unless it is your Solicitor who mediates) and CAFCASS.

Your friends can tell you what they like but unless they are in the exact same situation then the outcome will be very different

SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 19:20

CAFCASS are professionals at spotting neglect. They will have to visit his home, spend time with him alone, meet his family etc. The know what they are doing. If they were so easy to manipulate then they wouldn’t be used by the Courts.

If he gets any kind of unsupervised contact then I’ll eat my hat....

You will be applauded for ceasing Contact now and putting your child’s needs first.

SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 19:32

But i’ll echo what I’ve previously said - I highly doubt it would get to Court as his legal bills up to and including a Court Hearing could stand at around £10k....Unless he represents himself. Which isn’t for the faint hearted, believe me. Or those without what’s required! X

Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 19:32

@SickofThomasTheTank but surely when they do Home visits etc people are on their best behaviour no??

I don't know if social services for one account of not changing a nappy would be taken seriously? And they won't be interested in the other lying stuff... will they??

OP posts:
SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 19:35

Was it only once?

SickofThomasTheTank · 22/04/2018 19:36

They’ll be interested in everything! They’ll take a note of whatever you tell them. You’re not asking them to act on it, but they’ll take note of it all xx

Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 19:38

It was yesterday. But previously he's told me ds has had horrific nappies etc needed new trousers etc makes a massive fuss then when I get home and take them out the bag there spotless. I ask him what he's going on about and he either says well I didn't inspect them (after making a huge fuss about how bad it was) or just ignores me. But yesterday he was really sore (which could've been from teeth) but his vest was soaked through which couldn't have happened in less than 45 mins which is when it supposedly happened as he claimed to change his nappy at 4 and I picked him up at 4:40

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 19:38

The lying about wet/soiled clothing has been every week for about 5 weeks now

OP posts:
shuggas · 22/04/2018 19:44

I am absolutely not saying this situation is ok, but just wanted to say my youngest two have had awful nappies when teething, no barrier cream have done the job to protect, and literally it has taken minutes and they have had awful bright red bums after a poo. It's awful. It can happen quickly, but knowing that I would never leave my dcs in a soiled nappy, as I know the consequences so pot show from dad. How awful for you, I would certainly be thinking about how you manage the contact Thanks
Ps metanium works a treat, really recommend it for when bums are like that x

Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 19:59

@shuggas yeah I totally get that. I work in childcare too so I understand kids get sore. It's not so much the sore bum it's the fact that he must've been in the same nappy (wet) for a while for his vest to be as soaked as it was. And for him to continue to lie saying he changed him (conveniently) very shortly before I arrived but his vest was really awful and he was obviously very uncomfortable.

I picked him up and as I walked in he smiled at me then just walked to the door and stood there looking back for me ready to go.

My main point I'm guessing is ex's lies and his behaviour (or lack of I guess) towards ds

OP posts:
shuggas · 22/04/2018 20:02

Absolutely, I really feel for you, it must be a worry xx

Original poster
namechanger200 · 22/04/2018 20:32

@SickofThomasTheTank please come back!!!

OP posts:
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