I probably am BU but I’m so pissed off!

[SinkGirl]

I have toddler twins and several chronic conditions that have worsened since they were born (not surprising, I am constantly running round and don’t get much sleep). One of the conditions causes horrific periods, this one started on Monday so I’ve had an entire week of agony, morphine drowsiness, fatigue, migraines and nausea while chasing around the twins. Even took them to a sodding toddler group yesterday and then cried on the way home as I was in too much pain to push the 3 tonne buggy up the hill.

But hey, at least it was Friday so nearly the weekend and my DH could help me out. He works from home but is really busy so I try not to bother him - he will come and lend a hand if he can.

Anyway, yesterday he decided that it was absolutely essential that he went out before work and bought a lawnmower and then that he took a long lunch break and went out and mowed the lawn... at the hottest time of day, without any sunscreen, water or a hat, and got himself heat exhaustion and a nasty sunburn.

Last night I was quite concerned - bringing him water, taking his temperature, insisting he take off the many layers he put on because he felt cold.

This morning he’s still really unwell and I can’t help it, I’m pissed off. I was up umpteen times in the night. Up early with the boys this morning. He eventually got up but is too unwell to do anything and I’ve told him to go back to bed. I’m exhausted, I’m in pain, yesterday I had such an awful migraine my vision went blurry in one eye. I need a rest.

I’m not angry with him because I know he didn’t do it on purpose, I’m just annoyed with the situation.

The problem is I’m so annoyed that I’m being snappy with him which isn’t fair when he’s ill. I think it’s just annoying me that I have to carry on when I’m ill, and if we are both ill then it’s me who has to carry on.

All for a bloody lawn. FFS.

Please talk me down so I can stop being passive aggressive. I don’t want to be, I’ve just lost all perspective and patience.

I know he does feel awful, which is why I’m trying to talk myself down before he wakes up. I haven’t had a three hour nap since they came home from hospital, I would feel way too guilty!

I’ve got ME, chronic pain and Ive recently just been diagnosed with adenomyosis, I it basically endometriosis inside the womb muscle and I’ve been told a hysterectomy is the only real cure. I’ve had it a long time though. Prepregnancy and misdiagnosed. So I get it.

Because of the severity of the ME pretty severely i was too ill to look after my dd when it got really bad and she went to nursery 3 x a week and I had various people helping for the other 2 week days. Someone from surestart came one day for a couple of hours.

Perhaps you could try surestart for a little respite. I also used to go to bed with dd downstairs all doors open for an hour. Could you take the children in the bedroom on a tablet and rest? Idk their ages.

I have adenomyosis too. Hugs. Currently considering a hysterectomy but want the boys to be older first because I don’t want to have to get DH to take ages off work. They’re only 19 months so can’t trust them in a padded room at the moment. Trying to make their room completely and totally safe so that I could use a stair gate and put them in there if urgent. We have a play pen downstairs which is pretty big and I do use while I do chores or have a rest on the sofa but they hate it now and just cry and i feel so guilty so it doesn’t last long. At the moment they have some days where they have a reasonable nap so I try to rest then. It’s so tough. Sending lots of love, these illnesses are hideous. My ME was improving, but I had to stop working for that to happen. We decided to have one child and carefully planned how we would manage but my body had other ideas!

Forgot to say - there’s no surestart here any more. I tried Homestart but they were over subscribed. I don’t get any disability benefits, neither does my son who requires quite a bit of extra care, so it’s tough at the moment.

I haven’t had a three hour nap since they came home from hospital, I would feel way too guilty!

Do not feel guilty about resting. You are resting for the benefit of your family as well as yourself so you are in the best form to contribute to family life. People being well rested contributes to the wellbeing of the entire family, nothing to feel guilty about.

A well rested engaged Mum capable of enjoying time with her kids is better for children than a tired, snappy, only just managing Mum.

Sorry I meant Homestart. Just had a doze. Was groggy, always am premenstrual. Oh god they’re so little. 19 months is the headless chicken stage. Poor you. . Hugs. It is such a shame to miss out on such a wonderful part of their lives feeling crappy.

I know someone who has fibromyalgia and less ill than me who recently got a disabled badge. So it could be worth trying for that. It would probably be the first point. I’m going to apply this weekend with dh. I don’t get disability benefits. Never felt well enough to apply. Then When I did I didn’t really think I’d qualify. I’ve always though leave it to those, who need it more. But then the woman I talked

I have some endo too. I’m a bit of a quandary as to whether to have the hysterectomy but I’m very near menopause so hoping to hold off as I’ve read up and I understand it would mean ovary removal. The ovaries create hormones, without which it puts more pressure on the already buggered adrenals. I have been told Mirena coil may work as it releases progesterone and endo / adeno is estrogen dominance.

Have you been offered this and have you had any blood tests to check hormones/ thyroid?

I got a bit burned with factor 50 on yesterday in London. Was 27 degrees. So certainly possible.

Long story, but the Mirena was a complete catastrophe for me. A year of hell and then surgery to remove it! I’ve had six laps and every hormone treatment going. Gynae says it’s “end stage” (lovely turn of phrase!) and a hyst is my last option.

He’s up now but still really unwell. Looks like he’s about to throw up all over the floor. I’m really trying not to be shitty but I am annoyed. I’ve always felt too bad to take an entire day to recuperate but now I know what he would do in that situation I’m changing my tune.

When he’s better I will be having a serious chat about the fact that the way he feels now (sick, fatigue, headache etc) is how I feel bloody often and I have no choice but to get on with it. Maybe it will help him understand a bit more.

Thank goodness! your last post calmed me down, I was quite angry on your behalf. Please put yourself first for once and you will all feel better for it as you heal and feel rested and loved.
Self respect instead of guilt!

They sounds horrendous. Really dubious of coil myself having had problems with deepa pro injection a long time ago, resulting in abnormal cells. Hormones is what got me here in the first place so I’m not wanting to mess with them!

I wish I’d never taken any hormones ever. It may have slowed the endo but it’s fucked up so many other things. With the Mirena I had 6-8 hours of full strength contractions every single day but they cut the strings too short and couldn’t get it out, hence the surgery. Never ever again!

I really need to just get to the boys bedtime before I lose my shit with the lot of them to be honest!

Thanks Blue - I do appreciate that he feels bloody awful and I can’t help but empathise, but it feels pretty bloody unfair right now. It’s always what everyone else needs, I feel like a right mug.

Ugh, we’ve just had a huge row - turns out I am massively unreasonable to be annoyed at the situation, and for refusing to go for a lie down now, at 4pm on a sodding Sunday, after doing everything all weekend. It’s a bit bloody late now.

He got really unwell again last night, really high temperature so I spent most of the night worrying. He felt somewhat better this morning but still weak and with awful stomach cramps, I’m sure it absolutely sucks, but it was completely avoidable and I’m sure if the tables were turned he would be pretty upset too.

And now I’m the arsehole. Awesome.

Did I understand your OP correctly that your chronic pain is treated with regular morphine? That must be really awful.

Perhaps ask him if he thinks the GP would prescribe morphine for his stomach cramps? Of course the answer is no. Yet you've been on it all weekend (and therefore in worse pain than him), and you've still had to look after the kids the whole time.

Does he pick up the slack when you are unwell. Because there are two possibilities.

If he does pick up slack when you’re not feeling well then he might be feeling a bit frustrated if he feels he is unwell now and isn’t getting the same favour in return which is sort of understandable.

If he doesn’t pick up slack when you are not well then he’s being a massive dick and expecting something he won’t do himself.

I think you need to force yourself to rest OP.

I'm not trying to have a go at all, but it sounds a bit like you just keep going, even when you really shouldn't. If he sees you coping, he probably doesn't realise how much you're struggling.

Go and take the lie-down he's offering you! Take the evening to yourself and let him deal with the children. You've earned it.

Lannie yes I’ve been on morphine every day for over a decade, although the amount varies - periods are the worst time and I need a lot (although I significantly reduced my dose while pregnant so I’m on a lot less than I used to be when I was working full time

He does try and help out more when things are bad. And I probably have been a bit of a cow this weekend, although I’ve tried to take care of him, went out and got stuff he need today, made sure he’s resting etc.

We’ve had a bit of a chat and I think he gets it. I’ve told him that I will need a proper rest before next weekend so he can either juggle work around and find a morning or afternoon where he can take care of the boys, or he can take a day off. He basically said he hates seeing me so irritated and angry, so I asked him how he would feel if he felt as unwell as he does now and had to be in charge of the little rascals all day every day for a week and then didn’t get a break at the weekend.

I’m definitely not good at shutting off and insisting on rest when I need it because it makes me feel guilty (I know how hard it is to take care of them on your own so I don’t like putting that on him when I’m in the house!). I definitely need to start putting my health first sometimes before I completely crash and am useless.

Go and rest OP. And I would reconsider about putting your hysterectomy off to save your DH taking time off work. Sometimes you have to put yourself and your medical needs first. And it will do your DH good to see what a run of full time childcare is like.

Thanks Buttery - I’m hoping to wait another year so that the boys can walk around more easily and require less lifting as I think that would make a huge difference. I will have to see how it goes.