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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I probably am BU but I’m so pissed off!

69 replies

SinkGirl · 21/04/2018 12:13

I have toddler twins and several chronic conditions that have worsened since they were born (not surprising, I am constantly running round and don’t get much sleep). One of the conditions causes horrific periods, this one started on Monday so I’ve had an entire week of agony, morphine drowsiness, fatigue, migraines and nausea while chasing around the twins. Even took them to a sodding toddler group yesterday and then cried on the way home as I was in too much pain to push the 3 tonne buggy up the hill.

But hey, at least it was Friday so nearly the weekend and my DH could help me out. He works from home but is really busy so I try not to bother him - he will come and lend a hand if he can.

Anyway, yesterday he decided that it was absolutely essential that he went out before work and bought a lawnmower and then that he took a long lunch break and went out and mowed the lawn... at the hottest time of day, without any sunscreen, water or a hat, and got himself heat exhaustion and a nasty sunburn.

Last night I was quite concerned - bringing him water, taking his temperature, insisting he take off the many layers he put on because he felt cold.

This morning he’s still really unwell and I can’t help it, I’m pissed off. I was up umpteen times in the night. Up early with the boys this morning. He eventually got up but is too unwell to do anything and I’ve told him to go back to bed. I’m exhausted, I’m in pain, yesterday I had such an awful migraine my vision went blurry in one eye. I need a rest.

I’m not angry with him because I know he didn’t do it on purpose, I’m just annoyed with the situation.

The problem is I’m so annoyed that I’m being snappy with him which isn’t fair when he’s ill. I think it’s just annoying me that I have to carry on when I’m ill, and if we are both ill then it’s me who has to carry on.

All for a bloody lawn. FFS.

Please talk me down so I can stop being passive aggressive. I don’t want to be, I’ve just lost all perspective and patience.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 21/04/2018 14:03

Oh sweetheart. I'm really sorry. You'd been hanging on for today to get a break, and now it's been ruined.

What about tomorrow? Can your DH take over then? Ask him now while he's still basking in your care and attention and hopefully delirious.

BarefootMe · 21/04/2018 14:13

After this awful week and weekend is over, when you get into a slightly calmer place and he is feeling OK again, I would sit him down and go over what happened, and let him know that his lack of care of himself and poor priorities with mowing the lawn etc, meant that you who was already ill, got no help or support yourself, and he should have been giving you it then as you were sleep deprived and in pain. Tell him you need things to be different next time, and you cannot parent alone, especially when ill. Important to rate yourself highly or others will inevitably take you for granted, sadly.

Mightymucks · 21/04/2018 14:14

It’s knackering having twins without illness thrown in and it sounds like you’re all suffering this week.

I think maybe when DH is better you need to talk about DH using some annual leave or taking the kids for a whole weekend and giving you chance to recharge. I have twins and me and DH give each other child free time just to read a book or study or rest and it makes a big difference.

Have you tried non-twin baby groups? Normally the organisers have a little extra time to help with twins, giving you more chance to meet people. I’ve also found it easier to socialise with singleton mums as they are a bit more mobile and spontaneous whereas it can be really difficult for twin Mums to get together.

Also, today, don’t feel bad if you need to resort to a bit of CBeebies or if you just let them run off energy in the garden with a ball: It sounds like you’re doing a terrific job in really tough circumstances so don’t feel too down, you’re doing amazing.

maggiecate · 21/04/2018 14:15

He is BU to cut the lawn at noon on a hot day, it's best to do it mid morning after the dew has dried but before it gets too hot, or late afternoon once it's cooled down a bit. Poor lawn care there (misses point spectacularly but at least you can be cross with him on two grounds now)

Original poster

SinkGirl · 21/04/2018 14:15

Thank you. If he’s well enough tomorrow he will definitely be in charge while I rest.

It’s my birthday coming up in a couple of months and he asked me if I wanted to go to a spa with my sister for the weekend or something. Not sure I could do it though, haven’t left them before (apart from a few appointments here and there). In fairness he recently cancelled plans to visit a mate for the weekend to go to a football match as he didn’t want to leave me in the lurch so he doesn’t do it either. With two of them it’s all hands on deck usually.

OP posts:

Original poster

SinkGirl · 21/04/2018 14:18

The group we went to yesterday was all singletons apart from us - lots of lovely kids and their parents doing all the lovely activities while I chased mine around and tried to stop one from eating all the twigs on the ground. All the mums were giving me the judgemental side eye.

OP posts:

ziggiestardust · 21/04/2018 14:20

Do you live in the UK OP? It was hot yesterday... but it wasn’t that hot. My DH was gardening pretty much all day yesterday and the day before (it’s turned into a sort of hobby when he’s off work and DS is at school) and we live a few miles away from where the hottest temperatures were recorded... he doesn’t have heatstroke. But he also takes care of himself; he’s blond and fair skinned so he wears a hat and sunglasses, and takes a cool drink about with him. These would be normal precautions for a sensible adult to take. I can understand your irritation at why your DH hasn’t taken them.

Whatabugashoo · 21/04/2018 14:23

"The problem is I’m so annoyed that I’m being snappy with him which isn’t fair when he’s ill. I think it’s just annoying me that I have to carry on when I’m ill, and if we are both ill then it’s me who has to carry on."

It is fair! Be snappy! he deserves it the bloody idiot!

adaline · 21/04/2018 14:24

What's done is done now, though I'd be annoyed at the wasted day. Could he have the kids tomorrow instead?

expatinscotland · 21/04/2018 14:26

Take him up on the weekend away offer.

Original poster

SinkGirl · 21/04/2018 14:27

Yep, UK. Just looked and it was 23 here at lunch time Yesterday. To be fair I didn’t think you could get that unwell moving the lawn in that kind of heat, so I’m not surprised it didn’t occur to him either. I was reading up and apparently there’s something called exertional heat exhaustion where doing physical activity in the heat can accelerate the problem. Makes sense I guess.

I feel such an idiot now - the boys have been asleep for over two hours which is very unusual, I should have tried harder to sleep myself once I’d gotten things done but have been sitting here waiting for them to wake up any minute, so that’s bloody typical.

OP posts:

Original poster

SinkGirl · 21/04/2018 14:28

Mowing, clearly. Moving the lawn would be much harder work.

OP posts:

OneStepSideways · 21/04/2018 14:29

I'd be annoyed too! He was foolish and careless, and as a result you're having to do his share of the childcare and housework, when you're in pain and should be resting. Do you have endometriosis?

When he's better I'd have a serious calm chat about his behaviour and how it impacts you.

Can you put the twins into nursery/childminder a couple of days a week so you can rest? I have severe endometriosis and my toddler does extra nursery days when I'm unwell (her nursery offer flexible hours).

SoupDragon · 21/04/2018 14:33

We only had 19 degrees.

In South London it is currently 22 degrees and it was significantly hotter and less cloudy yesterday.

Oysterbabe · 21/04/2018 14:35

I think there's a high chance he's laying it on thick and is mostly fine today. It's April in England, even being out there all day shouldn't put him out of action for 2 days.

Mightymucks · 21/04/2018 14:37

When you are poorly normally does he give you breaks to rest? I think that is something really important to look at going forward.

If you have a long term illness there should be enough respite built into your regular routine so if unexpected things like this happen you have some reserves of energy and are not running on empty.

MustBeThursday · 21/04/2018 14:42

Given that you're both unwell and you've had to push through today alone after already pushing through the whole week, I think he should be taking over tomorrow regardless, unless he is literally unable to function. It's not very nice that he'll have to suffer through looking after children when feeling poorly but it's fairer - you've then each had a rest.

Did he not notice he was getting burned if he's caught the sun that badly??

ziggiestardust · 21/04/2018 14:45

OP I’ve just shown my DH this thread; and he thinks your DH is pulling a fast one. 23 degrees and heat stroke? What does he do when you open the oven? Take the day off work? Does he never visit a sauna or steam room?

Mightymucks · 21/04/2018 14:47

ziggie, I know people who’ve got heatstroke on 10 degree cloudy days if they’re prone. He has a temp and OP thinks he’s really bad.

SoyDora · 21/04/2018 14:50

I’d be pissed off too.
DH is very very fair and easily affected by the heat and would easily get heat exhaustion/heat stroke from being out in 23 degrees for a couple of hours at midday (for all the doubters)... so he doesn’t do it.

Original poster

SinkGirl · 21/04/2018 14:55

Well he’s definitely burned and does seem really unwell still today - I took his temp several times last night as I was worried. He didn’t look that burnt straight away but he looks bright red now. I don’t think he’s putting it on. And I don’t think he ever has been in a sauna actually! He doesn’t cope well in hot weather to be fair.

Regardless he’s had almost three hours in bed now so hopefully he should be well rested for me to stay in bed til noon tomorrow ;)

He usually does make sure I have a rest at the weekend, but obviously it’s hard during the week when he’s working. He doesn’t get a rest himself really so I can’t complain. This is probably only been the second or third time he’s been too ill to do anything since they were born so he doesn’t play up being unwell usually so I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.

Yes, I have endo and ME, and what they think is most likely fibromyalgia which has only kicked off since pregnancy. It bloody sucks.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 21/04/2018 14:55

I’m not angry with him because I know he didn’t do it on purpose, I’m just annoyed with the situation

Yeah, well, I'm not so sure. Obvs he didn't purposely get heat stroke, but his 'having' to get a mower, mow, strim, etc on a day when you were feeling like shit certainly was 'on purpose'. No matter how bad the yard looked it could have waited one more day so he could be free to give you a break.

LoniceraJaponica · 21/04/2018 15:00

We have 18 degrees just now SoupDragon. I do miss the South London climate, but nothing else from living there.

ziggiestardust · 21/04/2018 15:01

If that’s the level of exertion it’s taken to give him heatstroke; he absolutely needs to be more careful in the future then. Next time there’s yard work to be done; he needs to either plan it with proper sun protection and rest breaks, or hire a professional to do it for him.

Endo is the fucking WORST, you have my complete sympathies you poor, poor thing. Coupled with ME too? Your DH needs to put you first so that you can work during the week too (and you DO work; it’s more than a full time job, what you’re doing!)

I hope you get your rest tomorrow OP 🤞

MrMeSeeks · 21/04/2018 15:09

I think it's easy to get caught out. Is everyone calling him an idiot or a prat perfect? Most people have been caught by the sun at some point - with a breeze it often doesn't feel as hot as it is, or if you're not planning to be out that long you might not think about using cream.
Yes! The dh was trying to make the garden nice for his family, not out living it up
I know how the op feels, so i have sympathy, but i also feel for her dh.
I’ve managed to get heatstroke, it didn't seem a particularly sunny day, i felt awful

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