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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aaah. Frustrated by friend

66 replies

Longdriveahead · 21/04/2018 03:58

Ok, so don’t have much money at moment and have to spend wisely. Have a nice friend who does have more disposable income, ie, already has 5 mini breaks to look forward to. Anyway asked me several weeks ago to join her and her partner on an evening out, tickets approx £80 plus train tickets so all in about £100.
Rang me again today to ask again if I would like to go, I agreed. She then said she would book tickets which she did and I transferred money straight into her bank account. All good so far!
Now 12 hrs later I pick up a message saying saying sorry ‘we can’t go, forgot about another commitment’.
So I have payed out for tickets to go to something which I wouldn’t have done ( there’s only so many times I can say no to invitations out with her without sounding like a misery ). Of course I don’t expect her to pay for our tickets but it is a niche outing specific to her tastes and i’m cross at the casual text . No apology just ‘oh , we can’t go now, maybe you can find someone to take our place’. Am I being unreasonable to feel annoyed because I could have spent the money on something less frivolous.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2018 07:48

Yes, I think an 'Oh, that's a shame, we were looking forward to going with you. Could you sell the tickets and return our funds? Thanks', would be suitable.

pictish · 21/04/2018 07:48

Yeah I think she’s a bit out of order actually.

“Hi...ok well, that’s not ideal because I really only agreed to go because you were going and I wanted to make the effort for you. I’m not fussed about going otherwise as the money could be better spent elsewhere. Is there any way you can get a refund for me?”

GnotherGnu · 21/04/2018 07:49

Ask her to resell the tickets. If she liked whatever it was, she is more likely to know others who do.

rookiemere · 21/04/2018 07:51

I agree with those saying she she should pay for the tickets.
"That's a shame you can't come, but I was only going so I could catch up with you. I don't have anyone else to go with so please send me my money back and see if you can resell the tickets"

Then never arrange to see her at anything that costs you money again.

Jonsey79 · 21/04/2018 07:51

What a dick! She's not your friend.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2018 07:51

I suspect you're only uncomfortable asking for the money back because you're less well off, very conscious of that and don't want to make an issue of it. Someone better off would have no shame about asking for the ticket price back in a straightforward way.

rookiemere · 21/04/2018 07:52

Actually myimaginarycat has much better wording.

Curtainshopping · 21/04/2018 07:55

i’ll try not to think off the school trip it could have paid for

Tell her this and tell her your financial situation. When you have money, you tend to forget other people don’t.

Monny1 · 21/04/2018 07:56

I am sorry but in my opinion,she is not a friend. Please grow a pair. Please get your money back and cancel your holiday for that day and use it for something that you want to do. I only get a few Saturdays off like you, annually and understand that they are precious.

Stormy76 · 21/04/2018 08:00

I think you need to have a chat with her and explain that you can't afford the same things as her and perhaps tell her that you won't be booking an expensive activity with her again because she was inconsiderate. She should deal with the reselling of the tickets not you, she sounds quite spoilt.

FaithEverPresent · 21/04/2018 08:01

I think there’s two issues here. One is letting you down, the other is expecting you to sort selling on their tickets. I would message her saying Oh, that’s a shame. We were only really going because you were so keen. Why don’t you sell all 4 tickets on together and then refund me ASAP.

ChasedByBees · 21/04/2018 08:02

I would ask for the money back and point out you wouldn’t choose to go to this if it wasn’t to go with her. There’s been a lot of good suggestions here. I wouldn’t make it depending on her selling them though, you deserve your money back full stop.

Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 21/04/2018 08:04

Oh, that’s a shame. We were only really going because you were so keen. Why don’t you sell all 4 tickets on together and then refund me ASAP.

I would send this

PalePinkSwan · 21/04/2018 08:12

Just to echo a PP above, I suspect you feel uncomfortable asking for your money back because you feel poorer than her. FWIW I have more disposable income than most of my friends but would absolutely expect a refund in these circs.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 21/04/2018 08:12

She didn’t forget about another commitment. She got a better offer.

Loonoon · 21/04/2018 08:15

You have had some great responses on here. I agree you should be batting this straight back at her. My closest and lifelong friend has become similarly unreliable of late and it is SO annoying.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2018 08:17

She hasn't proven herself 'not a friend' (yet) just a bit thoughtless, as the money won't have meant a lot to her.

The 12 hour turn-around is a bit speedy though - takes your money and runs! Makes it more obviously her problem to sort out - it was clearly a mistake on her part, so she shouldn't have asked you in the first place and needs to put things right.

Somehow if it been a longer gap and you'd taken possession of the tickets they would have seemed more your problem.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2018 08:20

...and good point above. Go for 'How about you refund me, then you can sell all four tickets together'. Perhaps prefaced by 'we all make mistakes!'.

Rudgie47 · 21/04/2018 08:22

She didn’t forget about another commitment. She got a better offer.

This is spot on, she's no friend to do that to you. Fair enough if she couldnt make it because someone was taken ill or something serious. But to blow you off then make it your problem when it was her suggestion is awful really.

Lonesurvivor · 21/04/2018 08:22

Did you reply to her message yet?
I think you need to mention your disappointment and that you would not have spent your money on this event if it weren't for her asking. Something along the lines of "oh I'm gutted you can't make it, was looking forward to the event with you, only reason we shelled out so much money cause it's left us tight"

eddielizzard · 21/04/2018 08:24

you don't have to accept what she's telling you to do. tell her to sell tickets.

Snowman123 · 21/04/2018 08:30

This is so inconsiderate.
Try and sell your ticket and cut your losses. Treat "friend" with caution.

Cagliostro · 21/04/2018 08:31

“I’m gutted, we only agreed to go because you were so desperate to. I used money that is really needed elsewhere. I need you to return the tickets you ordered so I can have my money back.”

MarthasGinYard · 21/04/2018 08:34

Bad form

I'd still go, but like Hell would I try and sell the other tickets for her.

TBH I don't know why you said yes if it's not really your bag.

She is though a CF

expatmatt78 · 21/04/2018 08:39

Honestly I got to the point a few years ago when I'd be really blunt about this. At the time I had a new baby and rare chances to go out - we'd plan and I'd be excited and then she'd blow me out casually last min and I'd end up crying I'd be so disappointed.
Eventually I would be quite honest and say how I felt.
In this situation she's essentially INVITED you to something, pressed you into buying tix and then casually blown it out.
If I were you I would email and be clear that this was not ok. That you specifically earmarked your weekend for this time spent with her, bought tickets and made travel plans and now you're left in the lurch. At the same time I would still go with your partner and have a fun night out because you've already spent the money so why not.
In my experience some people don't even CONSIDER the impact of last minute casual changes in plans. And let's be honest, I don't know how old you are but I know for sure aged late 30s with kids that conflicting plans rarely come up last minute as weekends are schedule weeks in advance so I'd wonder if she got a better offer and didn't consider the impact
Sorry she's a bit of a flakey friend but hope u have fun anyway

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