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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridemaid but can't afford £250 hen do

70 replies

Cerulean60 · 20/04/2018 20:47

Hi,

I'm a bridesmaid for an old friend I'm not particularly close to anymore. The co-bridesmaids are mutual old friends. They've suggested a budget of £250 for a UK break (spa trip and 2 nights at an airbnb with alcohol/food/games).

I was honest and said I'd struggle to afford that and others might too, but now everyone else has come back saying that budget is ok. I do work full time but am also doing postgrad study which is costing me a fortune, and I really have no spare cash each month (my outgoings are about £200/month more than I earn...). The co-bridesmaids have been quite insensitive to this and have made me feel bad for suggesting a slightly more affordable budget. I actually feel quite embarrassed and down that I'm the only one who can't afford it.

Of course I want the bride to have a lovely weekend and tried to make some creative suggestions e.g. spa day with overnight stay optional, but they didn't like that idea. I've also asked whether it really needs to be 2 nights but apparently it does. I feel like my co-bridesmaids are being quite insensitive (the bride isn't aware of any of this) and not being sympathetic at all.

Any thoughts? I have considered suggesting I'll do something on my own with the bride that is a bit more affordable for me (e.g. spa day) - do you think the bride would be ok with that? I don't want to fall out with anyone but am really worrying about the cost :(

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2018 21:55

Is there any way you can just go to one day of whatever it is they've planned? I wouldn't be happy with being railroaded into this either, especially since you have restrictions on your budget.

Do you really want to stay as BM for this not-so-close friend? If not, maybe backing out of being BM would be an option?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/04/2018 21:59

I would decline the whole thing, yiu say yiur not close to her. It is a lot of money tbf.

AMerkinInParis · 20/04/2018 22:04

Walk away lovely.

I got married last year. My hen night was a meal and a few drinks in a local pub. For those who wanted to come. Nobody was put under any pressure to attend.

Tell them to sod off! I'd have gone nuclear if anyone had attempted to treat my friends like that.

TheJoyOfSox · 20/04/2018 22:04

As bridesmaids you are under no obligation to join the hen party.

You’ve told them you can’t afford the weekend, stick to your guns!

peanutbutter310 · 20/04/2018 22:04

If nobody else has a problem with the budget then it could simply be that this is the type of hen do that happens in their circle. In which case the bride could end up being quite disappointed if they were to compromise too much.

Equally, the bride has asked you to be bridesmaid and so you should feel able to tell her the truth, that you can't afford it but would like to treat her on another occasion.

BigPinkBall · 20/04/2018 22:04

I’d back out of being a bridesmaid all together if you can, this won’t be the last thing you’re expected (pressured into) paying for.

Megsmcgoo · 20/04/2018 22:08

Honestly be honest, I’m £300 quid down for a hen party in the uk that’s taking me 6 hours to travel to and I’m only a guest. I WISH I had just said no, we’re moving around the same time and I’ve really had to budget for it

HelenaDove · 20/04/2018 22:09

A. im also glad that i got married 20 years ago before all this was the norm and i still would have refused all this.
B. one good thing about being obese when i was younger meant i never got asked to be a bridesmaid. Ive never been one.

Bagadverts · 20/04/2018 22:18

Keep being honest and saying no. Let the bride know the reason you aren't coming. I wouldn't withdraw immediately from being a bridesmaid, but would if the bride put any pressure or guilt on.

SundayGirls · 20/04/2018 22:21

Each to their own but I personally can't stand these type of hen do's that cost a fortune. Half the time you don't even know the other hens and everyone has different ideas on where to eat, when to eat, when to go to bed, when to get up... hate having to go along with everything.

I like a good night out with a meal and drinks/dancing in the local town/city. (boring old fart that I am! ).

0SometimesIWonder · 20/04/2018 23:00

I’m even more boring..... I’m happy with the meal and few drinks 😊

LadyLoveYourWhat · 20/04/2018 23:07

Just duck out of the hen do. There's no need to do anything else special with the bride to compensate either, the wedding will still happen whether the bride sees all her female friends before or not and you will you both see each other after she's married too.

RedForFilth · 20/04/2018 23:16

I agree that you should just tell the bride you would love to go but you can't afford 250 quid. If she's a decent person she will be mortified that people are being told to pay such a huge amount.
One of my friends had a hen weekend but people could choose which parts to go to. There was a night out with an overnight stay, spa day and a meal out. It did mean there was something for everyone but I would have been uncomfortable with segregating my friends based on income. Each to their own thougj. Another friend had a weeks holiday abroad for hers!

Original poster

Cerulean60 · 21/04/2018 09:12

Thanks everyone - there's a clear consensus here!

To be clear, the bride is (as far as I'm aware) oblivious of all of this so I think saying I won't be a bridesmaid is OTT for now. I'm more than happy to support her emotionally/practically both before and on the big day, just less keen on spending money I haven't got on the hen do - but this may well be the co-bridesmaids causing the stress and the bride may be totally fine with doing something with me separately.

I have also got savings so I wouldn't be going into debt as such, but those savings are mostly inheritance from my late father, intended to go towards a deposit on a house one day and specifically not to be "whittled away". I'm just not comfortable using the money for an expensive hen weekend. Again I'm feeling like I need to justify myself :(

I'll tell the co-bridesmaids/bride I'll do something separately and go from there... thanks all; I feel reassured.

OP posts:

GooodMythicalMorning · 21/04/2018 09:19

Don't understand why they need to be so much. When I got married it was just an evening out or meal. I've just paid for two hen weekends in 6 months. Both costing over 250 each. Wouldnt have gone but both are my dsis's.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/04/2018 13:11

Good for you. Don’t be persuaded - just stick to “I can’t afford it and will do something separately” Nice and simple and strong.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 21/04/2018 13:55

It doesn't even matter whether you can technically "afford" it or not, imo. If it's more than you want to spend more than you personally find reasonable that's that. No need to feel guilty about it.

Honestly, a one-on-one meal with the bride sounds a lot more meaningful and memorable than a weekend with a crowd, especially if it's not a tight group of friends.

BackforGood · 21/04/2018 14:03

Good for you. Also, don't start going into details of 'well I have some savings but I don't want to use that....' type conversations. Just stick to "I don't have the budget for that - I don't mind you all going without me, but just in case the budget is dependent on certain numbers, I'm letting you know I won't be going."

charityhallet · 21/04/2018 14:10

I had a picnic in the sunshine for my hen - was perfect!

Original poster

Cerulean60 · 21/04/2018 17:50

Thanks again everyone - so glad so many of you are on the same page!

OP posts:

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