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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridemaid but can't afford £250 hen do

70 replies

Cerulean60 · 20/04/2018 20:47

Hi,

I'm a bridesmaid for an old friend I'm not particularly close to anymore. The co-bridesmaids are mutual old friends. They've suggested a budget of £250 for a UK break (spa trip and 2 nights at an airbnb with alcohol/food/games).

I was honest and said I'd struggle to afford that and others might too, but now everyone else has come back saying that budget is ok. I do work full time but am also doing postgrad study which is costing me a fortune, and I really have no spare cash each month (my outgoings are about £200/month more than I earn...). The co-bridesmaids have been quite insensitive to this and have made me feel bad for suggesting a slightly more affordable budget. I actually feel quite embarrassed and down that I'm the only one who can't afford it.

Of course I want the bride to have a lovely weekend and tried to make some creative suggestions e.g. spa day with overnight stay optional, but they didn't like that idea. I've also asked whether it really needs to be 2 nights but apparently it does. I feel like my co-bridesmaids are being quite insensitive (the bride isn't aware of any of this) and not being sympathetic at all.

Any thoughts? I have considered suggesting I'll do something on my own with the bride that is a bit more affordable for me (e.g. spa day) - do you think the bride would be ok with that? I don't want to fall out with anyone but am really worrying about the cost :(

OP posts:
Sammy901 · 20/04/2018 21:11

@MidLifeCrisis2017 - were did you find a week in Greece for £250? I wouldn’t mind a week in Greece for that ..

Op - if you can’t afford it don’t go, message the hen seperatly and take her out for some food/drinks on your own x

Frouby · 20/04/2018 21:11

This is exactly why I organised my own hen do. It was drinks and a meal in town. When I say meal.it was a cheap and cheeful italian where people could share pizza and chips if they wanted.

If I had left it to others it would have ended up being 2 hens. One for those who could afford spa day/hotel etc and those who could have afforded a cheap meal and drinks.

Just tell the bride. I would have been mortified.

Gemini69 · 20/04/2018 21:11

you need to be honest .... even if it means you aren't a Bridesmaid any more.... you simply cannot afford this hen do jolly Flowers

Silvercatowner · 20/04/2018 21:14

Threads like this make me glad I'm old and married as are my friends, long before this ridiculous "hen weekend" nonsense became the norm

restingbemusedface · 20/04/2018 21:14

When is it?

ConciseandNice · 20/04/2018 21:14

Hen dos are ridiculous and unnecessary anyway. Just say no. Don’t go. If the bride thinks highly of you and is a decent person she’d be horrified for you to be spending money you can’t afford.

Silvercatowner · 20/04/2018 21:14

That

GeminiWarrior · 20/04/2018 21:16

If you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it- end off. Just tell them and suggest doing something else with bride

bluelampshades · 20/04/2018 21:16

talk to the bride. She probably has no idea. People's disposable incomes and their attitude towards credit(debt) varies wildly. I often have to decline events because I can't afford what my friends can, a simple "I'd love to but i can't afford it" , is all it takes. I see my mates for things I can afford .

SandAndSea · 20/04/2018 21:19

I'm another one who just doesn't understand this sort of thing at all. I get wanting to do something lovely with friends but I just don't get people putting pressure on others to do things they don't want to / can't afford. How is that enjoyable for anyone??

How do you feel about contacting the bride and explaining that it's out of your budget but you'd love to do something else with her, like take her out for a meal just the 2 of you? Then, just tell the others that you're not going. Simples!

I'm engaged and have spoken to friends about having a hen night. One of them mentioned that I "don't pay for anything, the hens pay for it" - WTAF??!!! I literally wouldn't dream of putting my friends in that situation!

SluttyButty · 20/04/2018 21:19

I just don't get this hen do nonsense at all. Spending £££'s on what is essentially a girly weekend away with lots of booze. I'm old and even when younger I'd never have agreed.

Say you can't, save your money for something that has more meaning for you. If she bins you as a bridesmaid then you've had a lucky escape.

Sorry but a marriage is a meaningful contract between two people and not an excuse to spend money on piss ups before said meaningful contract.

notacooldad · 20/04/2018 21:22

There's nothing wrong with indulgent week long hen/stag parties as long as everyone is on board and comfortable with it.
It is clearly out of your reach at the moment OP. If I was in your shoes I would quietly back out as the others aren't sympathetic. You and the bride should do something together before the wedding.

Leeds2 · 20/04/2018 21:23

I would probably decline to go, tell the bride why and offer to take her out separately, as a sort of unofficial hen do.
Or, would it be possible for you to do only part of the organised hen do, say the spa bit but not the overnight stay/meals out? It might be a bit awkward, but would at least show willing.

Willow2017 · 20/04/2018 21:24

SOunds like its a weekend away for the bridesmaids not the bride!
Does she actually know what they are planning?
I bet the costs would spiral above £250 as well.

Just tell the bride you cant afford it and want to do a meal out or whatever with her another time. If she kicks off she isnt a friend at all so tell her to stuff her wedding.

BackforGood · 20/04/2018 21:25

Just be honest. Say you (and probably 99% of whoever they are going to ask) don't have that sort of budget. Obviously if they want to go, you hope they have a lovely time but youll have to give it a miss and you'll see them all on the morning of the wedding / at the next dress fitting / whenever.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/04/2018 21:25

A good friend will appreciate your financial constraints,you're a student on tight budget
You simply don’t have the money,and that’s how it goes
Explain individually to bride and arrange another event meet up you and her

BewareOfDragons · 20/04/2018 21:26

Just say no and don't go. Stand firm.

Ridiculous behaviour.

And if the bride complains, drop out of the wedding; she's not your friend.

LagunaBubbles · 20/04/2018 21:30

Why are you a Bridesmaid to someone you're not close to? Confused

AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2018 21:34

Your studies are paramount and your outgoings already exceed your income. Your own future is the most important thing here and you have the absolute right to be careful with your money and put your schooling first. The bride and/or bridesmaids aren't going to be topping off your salary down the road because you went to a stupid hen-do and spent money you needed for books or expenses, are they? And they sure aren't going to be volunteering to repay the debt you might incur by spending your money on a hen-do instead of schooling expenses.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with just saying "Sorry, I won't be able to attend. I don't have enough money". You don't owe anyone an explanation other than that.

OMG, I just read this back and, boy, do I sound like my mother. I even read it back in her voice!!!! That's OK, she was a wise lady so I'm going to post it anyway!

DeniseBest · 20/04/2018 21:36

Long gone are the days where the hen do was a Saturday doing a pub crawl in your local town drinking WKD blue through a penis straw, wearing a Bride To Be sash and a feather boa (not me, never married just the ones I've attended Grin).

Keep being honest. You can't afford it and that's that really. They can crack on with their spa weekend.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/04/2018 21:40

Fuck that. Don’t go.

Make your apologies to the bride and explain and have no shame about it.

The other women sound like a nightmare.

Echobelly · 20/04/2018 21:41

I would just say that with your studies and your budget this isn't a goer, sorry.

I have to say, it does annoy me a bit when people don't think through expensive hens, though I suppose if you're not close, she might not realise your constraints. When I got married all my mates were skint (in fact 10 years later, most of them still are!) so we made sure our hen/stag was cheap. Think it came to about £16 a head to hire a canal boat and that was only fixed cost.

GabsAlot · 20/04/2018 21:46

ridiculous

my dsis hen was one night in a cheap b and b and pre paid cocktails optional afternoon tea people done what they could afford

GhostsToMonsoon · 20/04/2018 21:50

If you're a bridesmaid I would be honest and say you can't afford it. They ideally need to find something more inclusive and affordable, or failing that you could just do something with the bride another time.

I'm going to a friend's hen do soon (one night in a spa hotel) and it will probably come to about £300 by the time I've paid for petrol, pub lunches and additional activities. It's not cheap!

KarmaStar · 20/04/2018 21:53

Yes OP explain (again☺)you can't afford to go so you will not be going for the weekend.
Is there any chance you could join them for a day y and evening activity or is it too far away?
But your suggestion of doing something affordable with the bride sounds good and she will get two treats!
Don't allow them to make you feel guilty op.

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