to wish people would stop focussing on my child's race

[CaraDeanna]

I'm 3 months pregnant and have just told people at work that I'm expecting. AIBU to be irritated by the fact that I keep being told that my child is going to be cute because he/she will be mixed race?

Is this a normal thing to say? I feel like it's meant in a kind way but I can't help but feel frustrated that people are focussing on my child's race and physical features before they're even born.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up of hearing 'I wish I could meet a black guy so I can have a mixed race baby'...

@Mimco I think part of the issue here is that it makes you feel a bit like a prized pig with everyone standing by ready to catch a glimpse of your prize winning piglets. Offence doesn't have to be intended to be damaging. Ignorance can be just as frustrating. If my baby had been born and someone wanted to comment on his/her beautiful skin for example or his/her lovely head of curls then I see nothing wrong with that. Automatically assuming however that a child will be beautiful because they are going to be mixed race is a fetishisation. Not all mixed race children are an epitome of beauty.

Great that it doesn't bother you however as I wish it didn't bother me!

I think part of the issue here is that it makes you feel a bit like a prized pig with everyone standing by ready to catch a glimpse of your prize winning piglets

I think this is often the case in pregnancy.

People are trying to be nice, like I said, mixed race people are interesting and beautiful to a lot of people. if it bothers you you should say something.

I got this all the time. Plus many random and insenstive comments “arent you a bit sad your child wont ever look like you” wtaf! Most people are just interested, happy for you but dont think before opening their mouth. Particularly at a time you are feeling more sensitive. It doesnt change when your lo is born either, so just learn to develop a thick skin and brush it all off. People do seem to have a fascination about mixed race children.
Congrats btw enjoy and forget any comments

I can see where you are coming from and why it bothers you. I can well imagine the press having an absolute field day speculating on how Harry and Meghan's babies will look.

Yep this is an absolute thing. I’m mixed race (white/African) and my mum got this - and now my mixed race DS has it. To be fair as he has gone from baby to toddler it’s mostly people squealing, “Isn’t he handsome! He’s going to be a heartbreaker!” which is a different sort of annoying to people pointing out his ‘mix’.

I model and have had a good time of it, as mixed race has become a desirable thing in the industry. But then I worry I’m contributing to the issue of colourism and allowing brands to play into the stereotype of mixed race being exotic yet safe.

On balance, while it isn’t nice being fetishised, I’d rather that than having people shout the ‘n’ word at me. Also a thing that has happened.

Very interesting thread.
I’ve always thought people, kids especially of mixed race are particularly attractive, I’m not entirely sure why, I don’t think it was something I was ‘told’ and then signed up to, it feels like something quite automatic in me, which I don’t understand!!
Anyways this thread has brought this reaction in me to my attention and I’m now aware that it can cause offence so I’m going to keep my thoughts about what physical characteristics I find attractive to myself and question why I have them.
It’s odd and superficial, and shouldn’t be how we ‘judge’ people

@Schmoozer great that this thread has helped to raise awareness, however don't feel that you can't comment on a child's physical characteristics. There's no harm in commenting on a baby's beautiful eyes or gorgeous hair. I would just steer clear of any comments about being particularly beautiful due to being mixed race. It can be offensive and implies that children who are not mixed race are characteristically less attractive. As someone with very dark skin it is also disheartening that people only think your child will be 'stunning' because you've chosen to have a baby with a white man, implying that if I had a baby with a black man it would be 'less beautiful'. I find the whole thing a little odd to be honest.

I think people say this about lots of babies. My hubby is tall and we got a lot of, 'ooh I bet he'll be tall like his daddy!' Or comments about how he might look given the combination of mine and my husbands looks.

I think it's really normal to look at two parents and imagine what the child will look like! If in your imagination said child looks really cute! You might pass comment! I don't see a problem!

For what it's worth, I think Philippino children are really cute. My friends children who have Philippino dad and white British mum are absolutely stunning kids! She knows it!!! And is proud! :) before they were born she had lots of comments on how cute they'd be, and everyone was right!!

Don't get the issue !

Becoming a parent unfortunately exposes you to a much higher range of ridiculous things people want to say to you.
These comments are stupid and as ridiculous as saying all black people are good dancers or some other daft prejudice.

Lots of people commented on whether my child would be blonde haired or blue eyed like me, or very dark like my husband. I don't think it was racism, I think they were just showing an interest.

I can understand the sensitivity when it comes to colour and race, and these people seem to be very ill informed about good manners and what is acceptable.

I have to say you will get comments about everything from the way your baby looks (too cute or otherwise) to how you feed/dress and look after your baby.

Something about being pregnant seems to open up the floodgates of opinion full stop.

Shutting down the comment by simply saying ' I haven't thought about it'

someone wanted to comment on his/her beautiful skin for example or his/her lovely head of curls then I see nothing wrong with that

I have really curly hair and whenever I said I was pregnant people said "Oh I wonder if your baby will have curly hair" then when they were born people studied their hair as it grew in to see if it would be curly or not. It was all they talked about and it really annoyed me. It was like they didn't see the actual person, just the hair, and if they didn't have curly hair it was a bit of a failure, whether the failure was mine or the baby's I'm not sure.
People are weird around babies. They think they are able to make comments they probably wouldn't make anywhere else.

Mixed race children tend to be born with hair, defined features and slim faces thus avoiding the potato/churchill look of some babies. Hence the stereotype. However, babies arrive in all shapes and sizes. You will no doubt hear alot of other stereotypes as the years go by, your best option is to put on a smile and say nothing. People talk. About all sorts of things, all the time. The best advice is to befriend the ones who don't have opinions you find offensive and give the ones who do little attention.

@Whenwillth1send "Mixed race children tend to be born with hair, defined features and slim faces thus avoiding the potato/churchill look of some babies"

This is absolutely not true. I am dark skinned but mixed race. I didn't have any hair until I was about 8 months old, had a very round face (and still do) and can't say my features are particularly well defined. In fact the majority of my friends and family who have mixed race children would likely say the same - I don't recall any of them being born with hair or defined features. This is a slightly bizarre thing to say and I'm not sure where you got this idea from...

I suppose you're too young to remember Waynetta Slob and "I wanna brown baby"

Yanbu btw.

@AornisHades quite possibly but I am in the process of googling...

I find this weird. I think it’s meant as a compliment but it’s patronising and crass.

My h is from overseas and when we there they used to coo over ds and said he’s beautiful because he’s mixed. Lol - he looks just like them and the spitting image of his father (European).

There’s this silly idea that mixed people are beautiful - I’m very average. It does exotify people even though it’s meant as a compliment.

My DS is mixed race (white and middle eastern) and I’ve had loads of this. The comments about him being beautiful don’t bother me - because it’s true but it’s when you get chatting to strangers who think it’s ok to play “guess his race” that pisses me off.

I think sometimes it’s peoples crappy way of telling you they are not racist.....DS2 is white with blond hair and DS3 is only 6 months younger (adopted), and mixed race. I got a lot of people overdoing it with ‘mixed race kids are so beautiful’. It’s been an eye opener watching my boys grow up together - I’ve had some really foul racist abuse but most people felt it necessary to tell me how cool they were with how my boys looked! They are 18 now, I’d hoped it would have changed.

I would see it as a form of racism too, although people don't always realise they're doing it. It's setting your baby apart as being different, something unusual to look at and pass comment on, not "one of us".

It's also laughable that people think mixed race babies are more appealing than others. All that means is that the mixed race child has caught their attention. Babies of all race and colour are sometime cute and sometimes not so much.

It smacks of an idolisation of black culture but toned down and made accessible by the lighter skin and genetic connection to white culture. It makes white people feel more at ease.

OP YADNBU I'm not even pregnant and me and do get comments all the time about what out theoretical children will look like. Both have very curly hair, 'oh your childrens hair will be so curly blah blah blah'
My dp is African but white, he has black ancestors but very far back, I had one person tell me if I was lucky I might get a throw back baby!

I am a bit at all the people saying

Oh all mixed race babies are SOO cute. on this thread.

That is so patronising!
Unless you think every baby in the world is cute, then fair enough.

Mixed race babies can be from a countless number of genetic combinations, and are just as likely to be cute/not cute as any other child.

it is very much 'kind racism' in that it is commenting on the 'otherness' of the baby, rather than just treating them as a baby.
Anything which emphasises race is surely a form of racism, even if kindly meant?

@steppemum it did baffle me a little bit also but wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive as so many people seem to be fine with this...

@steppemum agreed!
Some of the responses on this thread are exactly what the OP is talking about!

That said, I have a mixed race DD who does look very different to me in appearance, and literally haven’t had a single “mixed race” comment about her appearance ever. Definitely get comments about whether I’m her mum or not, but tbf I’ve noticed a lot of professionals double check who is the parent these days (“are you mum?”) regardless.

It brings to mind Waynetta Slob and her 'braaaahn' baybee.

Stupid stupid thing to say. I never would, but I secretly admit that I find a large number of mixed race children (and adults) particularly good looking.

Kids don't have to be mixed race to not look like you. My two kids don't look like me unless you really look for it. DD is long straight blond hair with grey eyes, and is tall and slim whereas I'm short, with curly brown hair and very blue eyes. Her friends have commented jokingly but it doesn't bother me at all, she's an individual, not a mini copy of me.