to wish people would stop focussing on my child's race

[CaraDeanna]

I'm 3 months pregnant and have just told people at work that I'm expecting. AIBU to be irritated by the fact that I keep being told that my child is going to be cute because he/she will be mixed race?

Is this a normal thing to say? I feel like it's meant in a kind way but I can't help but feel frustrated that people are focussing on my child's race and physical features before they're even born.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up of hearing 'I wish I could meet a black guy so I can have a mixed race baby'...

Thanks all. It's really grating on me. I have no idea why it bothers me so much. I'm bored of hearing it I guess. I adore my dark skin and wouldn't change it for the world but I don't think it defines me and I wouldn't want to think my baby is going to be defined by his or hers either!

@NewYearNewMe18 No one said racism, but no, this wouldn’t be racist because you can’t be racist to white people. You can be prejudiced against them, but not raciest.

Wow how can people honestly think it's okay to say stuff like that? Dafuq!?

I'm just commenting so I can find this thread and reread properly tomorrow. I'm a mother to mixed race children so I can have an opinion but I need to be less tired to digest and articulate about what's already been put.

It could be worse, I had multiple 'hopefully it won't get the ginger gene' comments! Just joked back about it though, people generally don't mean any harm and are just looking for something to say, but YANBU to find it annoying.

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie you could say that of literally every single child that has ever exsisted, regardless of what ethnicity their parents are. Ignorance like your comment is what riles up parents of mixed race children, you are othering mixed race children saying they are ‘interesting’ based on something which applies to all offspring of sexual reproduction, we all inherit genes from both our parents. Having parents of different races does not change or amplify this.

@SluttyButty the differences in people's opinions is really interesting. I'm curious about what people think and am not the type to get in to arguments with people online so haven't said much myself. Just trying to gain a little perspective/reassurance. I'm used to people commenting on my Caribbean background but I'm an adult and can comprehend whether people are being kind/ignorant/stupid etc. Children can't, and the constant fetishisation of mixed race children infuriates me!

@user8595847 how bizarre! This is exactly the type of behaviour I'm referring to! I can't wrap my head around it I really can't.

Yeah I’ve had both sides of this, initially it was ‘you cannot have a mixed race baby as it won’t be fair on them to be a half and half’ Then it was ‘you will have the cutest mixed race babies ever’. I let it go now because it’s boring and old. Congrats OP!

It's a form of fetishization and it will get worse, I've had it all my life from both Black and White people. There are even different levels on light skin and eyes, soft hair etc.. there are even model agencies that want mixed kids on their books because they are considered stunning. If you have a girl she will be considered more desirable than her darker friends when she's older and light guys are pursued by all races. Sad but true.

I don't see how it's racist personally. My kids are mixed race and my husband and I never minded people commenting on what a lovely colour they are or whatever a gorgeous mix or whatever. Totally normal to say stuff like that from where I am. It's just admiring their beauty.

Wow this is so weird! I've never come across this though my mother sometimes mentions stuff like this but not in a negative way (but yet it can be just by mentioning it I totally get that). But that generation have come a hell of a long way (baby boomers), my lot should know better and the next lot surely it's not worth mentioning ...

How boring it must be getting OP. A baby is a baby, they're all cute regardless of race! You're not the only one whose fed up of it though, give this video a watch when you get the chance

m.youtube.com/watch?v=g8sY29iN0-c

Got to say, we have a mixed race toddler in our family and she really is super cute. I don't think I'd say this to an acquaintance though, I can see why it would annoy you.

It’s fetishising. I think it can mess you up a bit, just like how all this focus on looks and appearance can affect girls. As a mixed race girl/women you get the sexist angle, along with the fetish/racist.

I went from cute mixed race child, to awkward/ugly mixed race teen to reasonable looking mixed race adult (but people here still approach me and say I’m gorgeous). I’m not, I just look different and it stands out.

user that photo shows exactly the problem but I have trouble articulating my thoughts on this.

Ha! Bubbleandsquarks same here. They all speculated about a dark skinned baby with ginger hair. "Do you think it will have red hair!?" They all said. My mum even saw a mixed boy with a ginger tinge to his hair in the street and shouted "that's what your baby will look like" small town, everyone gets excited. He turned out quite light skinned with fluffy dark hair and now I quite enjoy the fact people can't actually tell if he's got black/Arab/Spanish heritage so they can't label him but they all see his beautiful smile and fall in love with him immediately.

As others have said get used to it.
What bothers me more is when people aske “are you the Mum?” Or some variant of, because I know if my lo was white it would be assumed she was mine and wouldn’t be questioned. None of my friends have ever been asked if their child is theirs but I get it all the time! Last week even the doctor asked. I felt like saying ‘why no doctor I’ve just brought some random child in!’ It shouldn’t, but it really does hurt my feelings. A lot!

My DS gets this a lot too, I don't want him to think that his lighter skin or loose curly hair makes him 'better' than me with my dark skin or Afro hair, all skin tones are beautiful in their own way but to fetishise a whole race is so wrong and just rubs me up the wrong way! My DP is mixed race but very light with blue eyes many don't even realise he's black/white mixed race and just assume he's from a mediterranean background but I've seen the surprised look when we're together, racism is still about and dark skin is still seen as undesirable. Being mixed race is not a guarantee of being good looking anyway I've seen plenty of 'ugly' mixed race people too! every race has beauty within it I've seen plenty of beautiful black, white, Asian and mixed race children and we ought to celebrate them all.

@madmomma you're the second person to mention racism when there in fact has been no mention. I simply stated that it was frustrating. To use the word 'racism' was your call.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm almost sad to see I'm not the only person who experiences this. It looks as though the fetishisation of mixed race folks is pretty widespread. Not sure what to make of all of this...

I do think people go on about looks and babies' looks too much. I never understood once they are born - he looks just like his father too which I can never ever see. Tiny babies don't really look like either parent. I sometimes thing people just say that to make the father feel the baby is his and not his wife's hidden lover's child. And all those big fat bouncy baby competitions which gave prizes to the fattest (and therefore least well fed) baby in the past were awful too. I suppose because babies can't talk if you are going to talk about a new one it tends to be about who it sleeps, looks etc so perhaps I'm being unfair ...now why I have 3 blonde children when neither of us is blonde might be more interesting (must be a genetic throw back).

I am more interested as a feminists on whether new baby girls of any colour will in due course be able to get out there and out earn men, get good careers and have fair and equal treatment in life which is not based on looks and who can marry the richest man because they are the prettiest of them all.

Seriously?

My eldest DC are mixed race and I had this a lot. People say it because a lot of people think mixed race children are beautiful. This has happened to us in other countries too.

My youngest has big blue eyes and blonde curls. People also comment on this.

A fair few posters are finding offence were there is none intended. If you find it offensive that people mention you child's looks (in a positive way) then I think you need to get a thicker skin because it's going to happen a lot with mixed race DC.

Yes this is very much a thing, and was when I had my eldest 18 years ago (mum to two mixed race African/White kids). People used to comment all the time, and especially as my kids have two different skin tones and my eldest is very very light skinned. Neither of them look like me (I have blonde hair and blue eyes).
It's a bit tiresome, and anyway all babies are cute. I think my girls are beautiful (even now, as teenagers) but I'm sure all mums feel the same about their kids.